Part One - Chapter 2 - THE INVADERS

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Part One, Chapter 2 - THE INVADERS [P G Wodehouse's novel: The Swoop! or How Clarence Saved England]

Clarence flung the boy a halfpenny, tore a paper from his grasp, and
scanned it eagerly. There was nothing to interest him in the body of
the journal, but he found what he was looking for in the stop-press
space. "Stop press news," said the paper. "Fry not out, 104. Surrey 147
for 8. A German army landed in Essex this afternoon. Loamshire
Handicap: Spring Chicken, 1; Salome, 2; Yip-i-addy, 3. Seven ran."

Essex! Then at any moment the foe might be at their doors; more, inside
their doors. With a passionate cry, Clarence tore back to the house.

He entered the dining-room with the speed of a highly-trained Marathon
winner, just in time once more to prevent Mr. Chugwater lowering his
record.

"The Germans!" shouted Clarence. "We are invaded!"

This time Mr. Chugwater was really annoyed.

"If I have told you once about your detestable habit of shouting in the
house, Clarence, I have told you a hundred times. If you cannot be a
Boy Scout quietly, you must stop being one altogether. I had got up to
six that time."

"But, father----"

"Silence! You will go to bed this minute; and I shall consider the
question whether you are to have any supper. It will depend largely on
your behaviour between now and then. Go!"

"But, father----"

Clarence dropped the paper, shaken with emotion. Mr. Chugwater's
sternness deepened visibly.

"Clarence! Must I speak again?"

He stooped and removed his right slipper.

Clarence withdrew.

Reggie picked up the paper.

"That kid," he announced judicially, "is off his nut! Hullo! I told you
so! Fry not out, 104. Good old Charles!"

"I say," exclaimed Horace, who sat nearest the window, "there are two
rummy-looking chaps coming to the front door, wearing a sort of fancy
dress!"

"It must be the Germans," said Reggie. "The paper says they landed here
this afternoon. I expect----"

A thunderous knock rang through the house. The family looked at one
another. Voices were heard in the hall, and next moment the door opened
and the servant announced "Mr. Prinsotto and Mr. Aydycong."

"Or, rather," said the first of the two newcomers, a tall, bearded,
soldierly man, in perfect English, "Prince Otto of Saxe-Pfennig and
Captain the Graf von Poppenheim, his aide-de-camp."

"Just so--just so!" said Mr. Chugwater, affably. "Sit down, won't you?"

The visitors seated themselves. There was an awkward silence.

"Warm day!" said Mr. Chugwater.

"Very!" said the Prince, a little constrainedly.

"Perhaps a cup of tea? Have you come far?"

"Well--er--pretty far. That is to say, a certain distance. In fact,
from Germany."

"I spent my summer holiday last year at Dresden. Capital place!"

"Just so. The fact is, Mr.--er--"

"Chugwater. By the way--my wife, Mrs. Chugwater."

The prince bowed. So did his aide-de-camp.

"The fact is, Mr. Jugwater," resumed the prince, "we are not here on a
holiday."

"Quite so, quite so. Business before pleasure."

The prince pulled at his moustache. So did his aide-de-camp, who seemed
to be a man of but little initiative and conversational resource.

"We are invaders."

"Not at all, not at all," protested Mr. Chugwater.

"I must warn you that you will resist at your peril. You wear no
uniform--"

"Wouldn't dream of such a thing. Except at the lodge, of course."

"You will be sorely tempted, no doubt. Do not think that I do not
appreciate your feelings. This is an Englishman's Home."

Mr. Chugwater tapped him confidentially on the knee.

"And an uncommonly snug little place, too," he said. "Now, if you will
forgive me for talking business, you, I gather, propose making some
stay in this country."

The prince laughed shortly. So did his aide-de-camp. "Exactly,"
continued Mr. Chugwater, "exactly. Then you will want some
_pied-a-terre_, if you follow me. I shall be delighted to let you
this house on remarkably easy terms for as long as you please. Just
come along into my study for a moment. We can talk it over quietly
there. You see, dealing direct with me, you would escape the
middleman's charges, and--"

Gently but firmly he edged the prince out of the room and down the
passage.

The aide-de-camp continued to sit staring woodenly at the carpet.
Reggie closed quietly in on him.

"Excuse me," he said; "talking shop and all that. But I'm an agent for
the Come One Come All Accident and Life Assurance Office. You have
heard of it probably? We can offer you really exceptional terms. You
must not miss a chance of this sort. Now here's a prospectus--"

Horace sidled forward.

"I don't know if you happen to be a cyclist, Captain--er--Graf; but if
you'd like a practically new motorbike, only been used since last
November, I can let you--"

There was a swish of skirts as Grace and Alice advanced on the visitor.

"I'm sure," said Grace winningly, "that you're fond of the theatre,
Captain Poppenheim. We are getting up a performance of 'Ici on parle
Francais,' in aid of the fund for Supplying Square Meals to Old-Age
Pensioners. Such a deserving object, you know. Now, how many tickets
will you take?"

"You can sell them to your friends, you know," added Mrs. Chugwater.

The aide-de-camp gulped convulsively.

* * * * *

Ten minutes later two penniless men groped their way, dazed, to the
garden gate.

"At last," said Prince Otto brokenly, for it was he, "at last I begin
to realise the horrors of an invasion--for the invaders."

And together the two men staggered on.

Content of Part One Chapter 2 - THE INVADERS [P G Wodehouse's novel: The Swoop! or How Clarence Saved England]

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Read next: Part One: Chapter 3 - ENGLAND'S PERIL

Read previous: Part One: Chapter 1 - AN ENGLISH BOY'S HOME

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