Chapter 6. In Which I Draw The Matrimonial Line...

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_ CHAPTER SIX. IN WHICH I DRAW THE MATRIMONIAL LINE ROUND MY PARDNER AND ALSO KEEP MY EYE ON MR. POMPER

The next mornin' Whitfield and Tirzah went home, Josiah and I thinkin' we would stay a few days longer. And what should I git but a letter from Cousin Faithful Smith sayin' that her Aunt Petrie beyond Kingston wuz enjoyin' poor health, and felt that she must have Faith come and visit her before she went West. So she wuz goin' to cut short her visit to the Smithses and go to her Aunt Petrie's on her way to the West, and as she had heard Josiah and I wuz to the Islands, she would stop and stay a few days with us there. And as the letter had been delayed, she wuz to be there that very day on the afternoon boat. So of course Josiah and I met her at Clayton. And I went to the boardin'-house keeper to see if I could git her a room.

But she wuz full, Miss Dagget wuz; and when anybody is full there is no more to be said; so with many groanin's from my pardner, on account of the higher price, we concluded we would git rooms at the hotel, that big roomy place, with broad piazzas runnin' round it and high ruffs. And as Josiah said bitterly, the ruffs wuzn't any higher than the prices. And I told him the prices wuzn't none too high for what we got, and I sez, "We are gittin' along in years and don't often rush into such high expenses, so we'll make the venter."

And he groaned out, "Good reason why we don't make the venter often, unless we want to go on the Town!"

And then he kinder brightened up and wondered if he couldn't make a dicker with the hotel-keeper to take a yearlin' steer to pay for our two boards.

And I sez, "What duz he want of a yearlin' steer here in the midst of a genteel fashion resort?"

And he snapped me up and said he didn't know as there wuz anything onfashionable or ongenteel about a likely yearlin'. Sez he, "I'll bet they'd take it at Coney Island."

"Well, what would he do with it here?" sez I.

"Why, do as I do with it; let it grow up and make clear gain on its growth."

"Oh shaw!" sez I, "he couldn't have it bellerin' round amongst the gay and fashionable throng."

"It wouldn't beller," sez he, "if he fed it enough."

I broke it up after a long talk, for I wouldn't let him demean himself by askin' the question and bein' refused, and then he said he wuz goin' to ask him if he would take white beans for his pay, or part of it, or mebby, sez he, "he would like to take a few geese."

"Geese!" sez I, "what would they want with geese squawkin' round here?"

"Why," sez he, "you know they would look handsome swimmin' round in the water in front of the hotel. And he might gin out, if he wuz a mind to, that they wuz a new kind of swans; they do such things at Coney Island."

Sez I, "Are you a deacon or are you not? Are you a pillow in the meetin' house or hain't you a pillow?"

"I didn't say he had _got_ to do thus and so, I said he might if he wanted to."

Sez I, "You keep your geese and pray to not be led into temptation." And then the truth come out, he hated the geese and wanted to git rid of 'em. Men always hate to keep geese, it is one of their ways, though they love soft pillows and cushions as well as wimmen do, or better, it is one of their curious ways to love the effects of geese dearly and hate the cause and demean it.

Well, by givin' up the best part of the forenoon to the job I ground him down onto not tryin' to dicker with any barter, but to walk up like a man and pay for our two boards. Faith is real well off and kinder independent sperited, and I knew she wouldn't let us pay for hern, and at last we got a good comfortable room for ourselves and one for Faith, not fur from ourn. Both on 'em looked out onto the beautiful river, and I had lots of emotions as I looked out on it, although they didn't rise up so fur as they would, if I hadn't had such a tussel with my pardner, so true it is that chains of cumberin' cares and Josiahs drag down the aspirin' soul-wings for the time bein'. But I laid out to take sights of comfort in more tranquil and less dickerin' times, in lookin' out on the beauty and glory of the waters, and fur off, into the beautiful distance lit with the mornin's rosy light, and "sunset and evenin' star."

We sot off on the afternoon boat for Clayton. Faith seemed real glad to see us and we visey versey. And it wuz a joy to me to see her admiration of the Islands as we swep' by 'em and round 'em on our way to the Park.

We got back in time to git ready for supper in pretty good sperits; the dinin' room wuz large and clean and pleasant, the waiters doin' all they could for us, and we had a good supper and enough on't. And speakin' of the waiters, most of 'em wuz nice boys and girls, tryin' to git an education; some on 'em had been to college and wanted to earn a little more money to finish their education, and some wuz learnin' music and wanted more money to go on with their lessons--good plan, I think--they will be as likely agin to succeed as if they wuz sot down and waited on. It is a good thing, as the Bible sez, "to bear the yoke in your youth," and though I spoze the yoke weighed down considerable heavy on 'em, specially on excursion days, and when there wuz folks hard to please, yet I thought they will come out all right in the end.

Some on 'em wuz studyin' for the ministry, and I thought they would git a real lot of patience and other Christian virtues laid up agin the time of need. Though here, as in every other walk of life, there wuz some that wuz careless and slack.

But to resoom forwards. I see at the table there wuz the usual summer tourists round me, care-worn fathers and weary dyspeptic mothers with two or three flighty, over-dressed daughters, and a bashful, pale son or two, and anon a lady with a waist drawed in to that extent that you wondered where her vital organs wuz. And how could any live creeter brook the agony them long steel cossets wuz dealin' the wearer? You could see this agony in the dull eyes, pale face and wan holler cheeks wearin' the hectic flush of red paint. And the little pinted shues, with heels sot in the very center of the nerves, ready to bring on prostration, and blindness.

Right by that agonized female would be a real lady. English, mebby, with a waist the size the Lord give and Fashion had not taken away. With good, sensible shues on, dealin' out comfort to the amiable feelin' feet; rosy cheeks, bright eyes, all bearin' witness to the joys of sensible dressin' and sensible livin'.

And then there wuz bright pert-lookin' young wimmen, travelin' alone in pairs, and havin' a good time to all human appearance. Anon good-lookin', manly men, with sweet pretty wives and a roguish, rosy little child or so. Sad lookin' widder wimmen, some in their weeds, but evidently lookin' through 'em. Anon a few single men with good-lookin' tanned faces, enjoyin' themselves round a table of their own, and talkin' and laughin' more'n considerable. Respectable, middle-aged couples, takin' their comfort with kinder pensive faces, and once in awhile a young girl as adorably sweet and pretty as only American girls can be at their best.

But on my nigh side, only a little ways acrost from us sot the ponderous man I remembered on my journey thither who wanted to be a fly. Furder and furder it seemed from amongst the possibles as he towered up sideways and seemed to dwarf all the men round him, though they wuz sizeable. And gittin' a better look at him, I could see that he had a broad red face, gray side whiskers and one eye. That one eye seemed to be bright blue, and he seemed to keep it on our table from the time we come in as long as we sat there.

That evenin' in the parlor he got introduced to us. Mr. Pomper, his name wuz, and we all used him well, though I didn't like "the cut of his jib," to use a nautical term which I consider appropriate at a watering-place.

But go where we would, that ponderous figger seemed to be near. At the table he sot, where that one eye shone on us as constant as the sun to the green earth. In our walks he would always set on the balcony to watch us go and welcome us back. And in the parlor we had to set under the rakin' fire of that blue luminary. And if we went on the boats he wuz there, and if we stayed to home there wuz he.

And at last a dretful conviction rousted up in me. It come the day we went the trip round the Islands. We enjoyed ourselves real well, until I discerned that huge figger settin' in a corner with that one eye watchin' our party as clost as a cat would watch a mouse. Can it be, sez I to myself, that that man has formed a attachment for me?

No, no, it cannot be, sez I to myself. And yet I knowed such things did occur in fashionable circles. Men with Mormon hearts hidden under Gentile exteriors wuz abroad in the land, and such things as I mistrusted blackened and mormonized the bosom of Mr. Pomper, did happen anon and oftener. And I methought if so, what must I do? Must I tell my beloved companion? Or must I, as the poet sez, "Let concealment, like a worm in the rug, feed on my damaged cheek?"

But thoughts of the quick, ardent temper of my beloved companion bade me relinquish the thought of confidin' in him. No, I dassent, for I knew that his weight wuz but small by the steelyards, and Mr. Pomper's size wuz elephantine, with probably muscles accordin'. No, I felt I must rely on myself. But the feelin's I felt nobody can tell. Thinks I, "It has come onto me jest what I have always read and scorfed at"; for I had always thought and said that no self-respectin' female need be inviggled unless she had encouraged the inviggler, or had a hand in the invigglin'. But alas! with no fault of my own, onless it wuz my oncommon good looks,--and of course them I couldn't help,--here I wuz the heroine of a one-eyed tragedy, for I felt that the smoulderin' fire burnin' in that solitary orb might bust forth at any time and engulf me and my pardner in a common doom.

But two things I felt I could do; I could put on a real lot of dignity, and could keep a eagle watch onto my beloved pardner, and if I see any sign of Mr. Pompers attacktin' him, or throwin' him overboard, I felt the strength of three wimmen would be gin to me, and I could save him or perish myself in the attempt. In accordance with them plans, when Mr. Pomper approached us bringin' us some easier chairs, I confronted him with a look that must have appauled his guilty mind, and when he sez to me:

"It is a pleasant day, mom."

I looked several daggers at him and some simiters, and never said a word. And when a short time afterwards he asked me what time of day it wuz, pretendin' his watch had stopped, I looked full and cold in his face for several minutes before I sez in icy axents, "I don't know!" Every word fallin' from my lips like ice-suckles from a ruff in a January thaw, and then I turned my back and went away from him.

Vain attempt! What wicked arts men do possess! He pretended to believe I wuz deef, and with that pretext he dasted to approach still nearer to me and kinder hollered out:

"What time of day is it?"

I see I must answer him, or make a still more sentimental and romantick seen, and I sez, with extreme frigidity and icy chill, "I don't know anything about it."

[Illustration: _"'What does ail you, Samantha, lockin' arms with me all the time--it will make talk!' he whispered in a mad, impatient whisper, but I would hang on as long as Mr. Pomper wuz around." (See page 100)_]

And then I turned on my heel and walked off. In such noble and prompt ways did I discourage all his overtoors, and every time I see him approach my pardner, if they wuz anywhere near the outer taff-rail of the boat, I would approach and lock arms with Josiah Allen, killin' two birds with one stun, for that act both ensured safety to my heart's idol, and also struck a blow onto Mr. Pomperses nefarious designs. He see plain that I idolized my pardner. Once or twice, so hardly is oncommon virtue rewarded in this world, Josiah spoke out snappishly:

"What duz ail you to-day, Samantha, lockin' arms with me all the time--it will make talk!" he whispered in a mad, impatient whisper, and he would kinder wiggle his arm to make me leggo'; but secure in my own cast-iron principles, I would hang on as long as Mr. Pomper wuz round. _

Read next: Chapter 7. In Which Josiah Proposes To Dance...

Read previous: Chapter 5. Josiah's Imagination About His Fishin' Exploits

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