Chapter 19

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_ CHAPTER XIX

Wall, this mornin', on our way to the grounds, I sez to Josiah--

"There is one thing that I want you to do the first thing to-day, and that is for you to see that good creeter, Senator Palmer."

Sez I, "I jest happened to read this mornin' how he's takin' up a subscription to help the Duke of Veragua, and we must see him and help the cause along." Sez I, "I can't bear to think of Columbuses folks a-sufferin' for things."

Sez Josiah, "Let Columbuses folks nip in and work jest as I do, and they'll git along."

"They hain't been brung up to it," sez I; "I don't spoze he ever ploughed a acre of land in his life, or sheared a sheep. And I don't spoze she knows what it is to pick a goose, or do a two weeks' washin'."

I'm sorry for 'em as I can be. And to think that that villain of a Manager should have run away with that money while they wuz over here a-helpin' their forefathers birthday!

Sez I, "It makes me feel like death."

"It makes me feel," sez Josiah gloomily, "that no knowin' but the Old Harry will git into Ury while we are away."

But I sez, "Don't worry, Josiah--Ury and Philura are pure gold."

"Wall, dum it all, pure gold can be melted if the fire is hot enough."

But I went back to the old subject--"We must give sunthin' to the cause; it will be expected of us, and it is right that we should."

"But," sez Josiah, with a gloomy and fierce look, "if I can git out of Chicago with a hull shirt on my back it's all I expect to do. I hain't no money to spend on Dukes, and you'll say so when we come to pay our bills."

Sez I, "You needn't send any money, Josiah Allen; but," sez I, "we might send 'em a tub of butter and a kag of cowcumber pickles jest as well as not, and a ham, to help 'em along through the winter, and I'd gladly send him and her yarn enough for a good pair of socks and stockin's. She might knit 'em," sez I, "or I would. I'll send him a pair of fringe mittens anyway," sez I; "it hain't noways likely that she knows how to make them. They take intellect and practice to knit."

And sez I, "I want you to be sure and see Senator Palmer without fail, and tell him to be sure and let us know when he sends things, so's we can put in and add our two mites."

Sez he, "The money has gone."

"Wall," sez I, "I am a disap'inted creeter. I wanted to do my part towards gittin' them good, noble folks enough to live on till Spring."

Sez Josiah (and mebby it wuz to git my attention off from the subject, which he felt wuz perilous to his pocket--he is clost)--sez he, "There is one man here, Samantha, that I'd give a cent to see."

Sez I, "Who is it that you are willin' to make such a extraordinary outlay for?"

"The Rager," sez he.

"The Rager," sez I dreamily; "who's that?"

"Why, the Rager from India. I spoze," sez he, "that he is one of the raginest men that you ever see. He took his name from that, most likely, and to intimidate his subjects. Now, King or Emperor don't strike the same breathless terror; but Rager--why, jest the name is enough to make 'em behave."

"Wall," sez I, "if the Monarch of Ingy is here I must see him, and git him not to burn any more widders with their dead pardners." Sez I, "It's a clear waste of widders, besides bein' wicked as wicked can be. Widders is handy," sez I, "now to keep boardin'-housen, or to go round as agents. Old maids hain't nothin' by the side of 'em, and they look so sort o' respectable behind their black veils, and then they are needed so for the widdower supply--and that market is always full." Sez I, "I don't want 'em wasted, and I want the wickedness to be stopped.

"And then to insist on marryin' so many wimmen. I'd love to labor with him, and convince him that one's enough."

"It seems to me," sez Josiah, "that I could make him _know_ that one's enough. It _seems_ as if _any married man might_. Heaven knows, it _seems_ so!" sez he.

I didn't like his axent. There seemed to be some iron in it, but I wouldn't dane to parley.

"And then," sez I, "their makin' their wimmen wear veils all the time. What a foolish habit! What's the use on't? Smotherin' 'em half to death, and wearin' out their veils for nothin'.

"And then I'd make him educate 'em--gin 'em a chance," sez I; "but whether he gives it or not the bell of Freedom is a-echoin' clear from Wyomin' to Ingy, and it sounds clear under them veils. They will be throwed off whether he is willin' or not, and I'd love to tell him so."

Sez Josiah, "I guess it will be as the Rager sez."

"No," sez I solemnly; "it will be as the Lord sez, and He is callin' to wimmen all over the earth, and they are answerin' the call."

But we hearn afterwards that Josiah had got it wrong--it wuz Ragah--R-a-g-a-h--instead of Rager--and he wuz one of the most sensiblest fellers that ever stepped on our shores in royal shoes. He paid his own bills, wuz modest, and intelligent, wanted to git information instead of idolatry from the American people. He didn't want no ball, no bowin' and backin' off--no escort. No chance at all here for the Ward McAllisters to show off, and act.

He acted like a good sensible American man, some as our son Thomas Jefferson would act if he should go over to his neighborhood on business.

He wanted to see for himself the life of the Americans, the way the common people lived--he wanted to git information to help his own people.

And he wanted to see Edison the most of all. That in itself would make him congenial to me. I myself think of Edison side by side with Christopher Columbus, and I guess the high chair he sets on up in my mind, with his lap full of his marvellous discoveries, is a little higher than Columbuses high chair.

Oh, how congenial the Ragah of Kahurthalia would be! How I wish we could have visited together! But it wuzn't to be, for Josiah said that he'd gone the night before, so we wended on.

Wall, we hadn't more than got into the grounds this mornin' when Josiah hearn a bystander a-standin' near tell another one about the Ferris Wheel.

"Why," sez he, "you jest git into one of them cars, and you are carried up so that it seems as if you can see the hull world at your feet."

Josiah turned right round in his tracts, and sez he, "Where can I find that wheel?"

And the man sez, "On the Midway Plaisance."

And Josiah sez, "Where is that?"

And the man pinted out the nearest way, and nothin' to do but what we must set out to find that wheel, and go up in one.

I counselled caution and delay, but to no effect. That wheel had got to be found to once, and both on us took up in it.

I dreaded the job.

Wall, the Plaisance begins not fur back of the Woman's Buildin'. It is a strip of land about six hundred feet wide and a mild in length, connecting Washington Park with Jackson Park, where Columbus has his doin's, and it comes out at the Fair Ground right behind the Woman's Buildin'.

Josiah jest wanted to rush along, clamorin' for the wheel, and not lookin' for nothin' on either side till he found it.

But I wuz firm in this as a rock, that if I went at all I would go megum actin' and quiet, and look at everything we come to.

And wuzn't there enough to look at jest in the street? Folks of all nations under the earth. They seemed like the leaves of a forest, or the sands of the sea, if them sands and leaves wuz turned into men, wimmen, and children--high hats, bunnets, umbrells, fans, canes, parasols, turbans, long robes, and short ones, gay ones, bright ones, feathers, sedan chairs, bijous, rollin' chairs, Shacks--or that is how Josiah pronounced it. I told him that they wuz spelt S-h-e-i-k-s.

But he sez that you could tell that they wuz Shacks by the looks on 'em.

Truly it wuz a sight--a sight what we see in that street. Why, it wuz like payin' out some thousand dollars, and with two trunks, and onmeasured fatigue, spend years and years travellin' over the world.

Why, we seemed to be a-journeyin' through foreign countries, a-carryin' the thought with us that we took our breakfast in our own hum, and that we should sleep there that night, but for all that we wuz in Turkey, and Japan, and Dahomey, and Lapland, etc., etc., etc.

Wall, the first thing we come to as we begun on the right side--and anybody with my solid principles wouldn't begin on any other side but the sheep's side--we wouldn't begin on the goats--no, indeed!

The first thing we come to wuz the Match Company. Here you could see everything about makin' matches, and when you consider how hard it would be to go back to the old way of strikin' light with a flint, and traipsin' off to the neighbors to borrow a few coals on a January mornin', you will know how interestin' that exhibit wuz.

And then come the International Dress and Costume Company--all the different countries of the globe show their home life and costumes.

And I sez to Josiah, "If this Fair had been put off ten years, or even five, I believe the American wimmen would show a costume less adapted to squeezin' the life out of 'em, and scrapin' up all the filth and disease in the streets, and rakin' it hum."

And Josiah sez, "Oh, do come along! we shan't git to that wheel to-day if you dally so, and begin to talk about wimmen and their doin's."

Then come the Workin' Man's Home in Philadelphia. Then the Libby Glass Works, and when Josiah discovered it wuz free, he willin'ly accedded to my request to walk in and look round. He told me from the first on't that he wuzn't goin' to pay out a cent of money there. Sez he, "We can see enough--Heaven knows we can--without payin' for any sights."

Wall, here we see all kinds of American glass manufactured, from goblets and butter-dishes up to glass draperies, dresses, laces, neckties, and all sorts of orniments.

Josiah sez, "Samantha, oh, how I would like a glass necktie--it would be so uneek; how I could show off to Deacon Gowdy!"

"Wall," sez I, "we can try to buy one, and at the same time I will order a glass polenay."

"Oh, no," sez he, "it would be too resky; glass is so brittle it would make you restive."

And he tried to hurry me along, but I would look round a little; and we see there right before our face and eyes a man take a long tube and dip it into melted glass, and blow out cups and flower-vases, and trim 'em all off with flowers of glass of all colors, and sech cut glass as we see there I never see before; why, one little piece takes a man a month to cut it out into its diamond glitter.

And I would stop to see that glass dress all finished off for the Princess Eulaly. There it wuz in plain sight in Mr. Libby's factory draped on a wax figger of Eulaly. Mr. Libby made it and presented it to the Princess.

It took ten million feet of glass thread; it wuz wove into twelve yards of cloth, and sent to a dressmaker in New York, who fitted it to the Princess on her last days in the city. It is low neck and short sleeves, and has a row of glass fringe round the bottom, and soft glass ruching round the neck and sleeves. It looks some like pure white satin, and some different. It is as beautiful as any dress ever could be, and Eulaly will look real sweet in it. She'll be sorry to not have me see her in it, I hain't a doubt.

[Illustration: It took ten million feet of glass thread, and Eulaly will look real sweet in it.]

And oh, how I did wish, as I looked at it, that her ancestor could have seen it, and meditated how pert and forwards the land wuz that he'd discovered!

Glass dresses--the idee!

But Josiah looked kinder oneasy all the time that I wuz a-lookin' at it; he wuz afraid of what thoughts I might be entertainin' in my mind onbeknown to him, and he hurried me onwards.

But the very next place we come to be wuz still more anxious to proceed rapidly, for this wuz the Irish Village, where native wimmen make the famous Irish laces.

It wuz a perfect Irish village, lackin' the dirt, and broken winders, and the neighborly pigs, and etc.

At one end of it is the exact reproduction of the ancient castle Donegal, famed in song and story. In the rooms of this castle the lace wuz exhibited--beautiful laces as I ever see, or want to see, and piles and piles of it, and of every beautiful pattern.

I did hanker for some of it to trim a night-cap. As I told Josiah, "I wouldn't give a cent for any of the white lace dresses, not if I had to wear 'em, or white lace cloaks." Sez I, "I'd feel like a fool a-goin' to meetin' or to the store to carry off butter with a white lace dress on, or a white lace mantilly, but I would love dearly to own some of that narrer lace for a night-cap border."

But his anxiety wuz extreme to go on that very instant.

He wanted to see the Blarney stun on top of the tower of the castle. It is a stun about as big as Josiah's hat, let down below the floor, so's you have to stoop way down to even see it, let alone kissin' it.

Josiah wuz very anxious to kiss it, but I frowned on the needless expense.

Sez I, "Men don't _need_ to kiss it; Blarney is born in 'em, as you may say, and is nateral nater to 'em."

Sez he, "But it is so stylish to embrace it, Samantha, and it only costs ten cents."

[Illustration: "But it is so stylish, Samantha, and it only costs ten cents."]

"But," I sez firmly, "you hain't a-goin' to kiss no chunk of Chicago stun, Josiah Allen, or pay out your money for demeanin' yourself."

Sez I, "The original Blarney stun is right there in its place in the tower of Blarney Castle in Ireland. It hain't been touched, and couldn't be."

"I don't believe that Lady Aberdeen would allow no sech works to go on," sez he.

Sez I, "Lady Aberdeen can't help herself. How can a minister keep the hull of his congregation from lyin'?"

Sez I, "She is one of the nicest wimmen in the world--one of the few noble ones that reach down from high places, and lift up the lowly, and help the world. I don't spoze she knows about the Blarney stun. And don't you go to tellin' her," sez I severely, "and hurt her feelin's."

Sez he, in a morbid tone, "We hain't been in the habit of visitin' back and forth, and probable if we wuz, you'd tell her before I could if you got a chance. Wimmen have sech long tongues."

He wuz mad, as I could see, about my breakin' up his fashionable performance with that Chicago rock, but I didn't care.

I merely sez, "If you want to do anything to remember the place, you can buy me a yard and a half of linen lace to trim that night-cap, or a under-clothe, Josiah." But he acted agitated here, and sez he, "I presoom that it is cotton lace."

Sez I, "I wish you'd be megum, Josiah Allen. This lace is perfectly beautiful, and it is jest what they say it is.

"And what a noble thing it wuz," sez I, "for Lady Aberdeen to do to gin these poor Irish lace-makers a start that mebby will lift 'em right up into prosperity; and spozen," sez I, "that you buy me a yard or two?"

But he fairly tore me away from the spot. He acted fearful agitated.

But alas! for him, he found the next place we entered also exceedin'ly full of dangers to his pocket-book, for this wuz a Japanese Bazaar, where every kind of queer, beautiful manufactures can be bought--

[Illustration: He found the next place we entered full of dangers to his pocket-book.]

Rugs, bronzes, lacquer work, bamboo work, fans, screens, more tea-cups than you ever see before, and little silk napkins of all colors, where you can have your name wove right in it before your eyes, and etcetry, etcetry. Here also the peculiar fire department of the Japanese is kept.

The next large place is occupied by the Javanese; this concession and the one right acrost the road south of it is called the "Dutch Settlement," because the villages wuz got up by a lot of Dutch merchants.

But the people are from the Figi, Philippine, and Solomon Islands, Samoa, Java, Borneo, New Zealand, and the Polnesian Archipelagoes.

Jest think on't! there Josiah Allen and I wuz a-travellin' way off to places too fur to be reached only by our strainin' fancy--places that we never expected or drempt that we could see with our mortal eyes only in a gography.

Here I wuz a-walkin' right through their country villages with my faithful pardner by my side, and my old cotton umbrell in my hand, a-seemin' to anchor me to the present while I floated off into strange realms.

All these different countries show their native industries.

We went into the Japanese Village, under a high arch, all fixed off with towers, and wreaths, and swords--dretful ornimental.

There wuz more than a hundred natives here. Their housen are back in the inclosure, and their work-shops in front, and in these shops and porticos are carried on right before your eyes every trade known in Japan, and jest as they do it at home--carvers, carpenters, spinners, weavers, dyers, musicians, etc., etc. The colorin' they do is a sight to see, and takes almost a lifetime to learn.

The housen of this village are mostly made of bamboo--not a nail used in the place. Why, sometimes one hull side of their housen would be made of a mat of braided bamboo. Bamboo is used by them for food, shelter, war implements, medicine, musical instruments, and everything else. Their housen wuz made in Japan, and brung over here and set up by native workmen. They have thatched ruffs and kinder open-work sides, dretful curious-lookin', and on the wide porticos of these housen little native wimmen set and embroider, and wind skeins of gay-colored cotton, and play with their little brown black-eyed babies.

The costumes of the Japanese look dretful curious to us; their loose gay-colored robes and turbans, and sandals, etc., look jest as strange as Josiah's pantaloons and hat, and my bask waist duz to them, I spoze.

They're a pleasant little brown people, always polite--that is learnt 'em as regular as any other lesson. Then there is another thing that our civilized race could learn of the heathen ones.

Missionaries that we send out to teach the heathen let their own children sass 'em and run over 'em. That is the reason that they act so sassy when they're growed up. Politeness ort to be learnt young, even if it has to be stomped in with spanks.

The Japanese are a child-like people easily pleased, easily grieved--laughin' and cryin' jest like children.

They work all day, not fast enough to hurt 'em, and at nightfall they go out and play all sorts of native games.

That's a good idee. I wish that Jonesvillians would foller it. You'd much better be shootin' arrers from blowpipes than to blow round and jaw your household. And you'd much better be runnin' a foot race than runnin' your neighbors.

They've got a theatre where they perform their native dances and plays, and one man sets behind a curtain and duz all the conversation for all the actors. I spoze he changes his voice some for the different folks.

Wall, I led Josiah off towards the church, where all the articles of furniture is a big bamboo chair, where the priest sets and meditates when he thinks his people needs his thought.

I d'no but it helps 'em some, if he thinks hard enough--thoughts are dretful curious things, anyway.

Josiah and I took considerable comfort a-wanderin' round and seein' all we could, and noticin' how kind o' turned round things wuz from Jonesville idees.

Now, they had some queer-lookin' little store-housen, and for all the world they opened at the top instead of the sides, to keep the snakes out of the rice in their native land, so they said.

Josiah wuz jest crazy to have one made like it.

"Why," sez he, "think of the safety on't, Samantha! Who'd ever think of goin' into a corn house on top if they wanted to steal some corn?"

But I sez, "Foreign customs have got to be adopted with megumness, Josiah Allen." Sez I, "With your rumatiz, how would you climb up on't a dozen times a day?"

He hadn't thought of that, and he gin up the idee.

Then the ideal figger of the Japanese wimmen is narrer shoulders and big waist.

And though I hailed the big waist joyfully, I drawed the line at the narrer shoulders.

They have long poles about their housen, with holes bored in 'em, through which the wind blows with a mournful sort of a voice, and they think that that noise skairs away evil sperits.

When they come here each of their little verandas had a cage with a sacred bird in it to coax the good sperits; they all died off, and now they've got some pigens for 'em, and made 'em think that they wuz sacred birds.

And Josiah, as he see 'em, instinctively sez, "Dum 'em, I'd ruther have the evil sperits themselves round than them pigens, any time."

He hates 'em, and I spoze they do pull up seeds considerable.

Them Japanese wimmen are dretful cheerful-lookin', and Josiah and I talked about it considerable.

Sez Josiah, "It's queer when, accordin' to their belief, a man's horse can go to Heaven, but their wives can't; but the minute they leave this world another celestial wife meets him, and he and his earth wife parts forever. It is queer," sez he, "how under them circumstances that the wimmen can look so happy."

And I sez, "It can't be that they hail anhialation as a welcome rest from married life, can it?"

Josiah acted mad, and sez he, "I'd be a fool if I wuz in your place!"

And bein' kinder mad, he snapped out, "Them wimmen don't look as if they knew much more than monkeys; compared to American wimmen, it's a sight."

But I sez, "You can't always tell by looks, Josiah Allen." Sez I, "As small as they be, they've showed some of the greatest qualities since they've been here--Constancy, Fidelity, Love."

Now one of them females lost a baby while she wuz here. Did she act as some of our fashionable American wimmen do? No. They own twenty Saritoga trunks, and wear their entire contents, but they do, as is well known, commit crime to evade the cares of motherhood.

But this little woman right here in Chicago, she jest laid down broken-hearted and died because her baby died. Her true heart broke.

Little and humbly, no doubt, and not many clothes on, but from a upper view I wonder if her soul don't look better than the civilized, fashionably dressed murderess?

There wuz theatres here with dancin' girls goin' as fur ahead, they said, of Louie Fuller and Carmenciti as them two go ahead of Josiah and Deacon Sypher as skirt-dancers.

I guess that Josiah Allen would have gone in, regardless of price, to see this sight, so onbecomin' to a deacon and a grandfather, but I broke it up at the first hint he gin. Sez I, "What would your pasture say to your ondertakin' such a enterprise? What would be the opinion of Jonesville?"

"Dum it all," sez he; "David danced before the Ark."

"Wall," sez I, "I hain't seen no ark, and I hain't seen no David." Sez I reasonably, "I wouldn't object to your seein' David dance if he wuz here and I wouldn't object to your seein' the Ark."

"Oh, wall, have your own way," sez he, and we wandered into the German Village.

[Illustration: "Oh, wall, have your own way," sez he, and we wandered into the German Village.]

The German Village represents housen in the upper Bavarian Mountains.

There are thirty-six different buildin's. Inside the village is a Country Fair, the German Concert Garden, a Water Tower, and two Restaurants, Tyrolese dancers, Beer Hall, etc.

In the centre is a 16th century castle, with moat round it, and palisades.

Josiah wuz all took up with this, and said "how he would love to have a moat round our house." Sez he, "Jest let some folks that I know try to git in, wouldn't I jest hist up the drawbridge and drop 'em outside?"

And I sez, "Heaven knows, Josiah, that sech a thing would be convenient ofttimes, but," sez I, "anxieties and annoyances have a way of swimmin' moats, you can't keep 'em out."

But he said "that he believed that he and Ury could dig a moat, and rig up a drawbridge." And to git his mind off on't I hurried him on.

Inside the castle is a dretful war-like-lookin' group of iron men, all dressed up in full uniform, and there wuz all kinds of weepons and armor of Germany.

The Town Hall of this village is a museum.

In the village market-place is sold all kinds of German goods. Two bands of music pipe up, and everybody is a-talkin' German. It made it considerable lively to look at, but not so edifyin' to us as if we knew a word they said.

And then come the Street of Cairo, a exact representation of one of the most picturesque streets in old Cairo, with queer-lookin' kinder square housen, and some of the winders stood open, through which we got lovely views of a inner court, with green shrubs, and flowers, and fountains.

On both sides of this street are dance halls, mosques, and shops filled with manufactures from Arabia and the Soudan. In the Museum are many curious curiosities from Cairo and Alexandria.

And the street is filled with dogs, and donkeys, and children and fortune-tellers, and dromedaries, and sedan chairs, with their bearers, and camels, and birds, and wimmen with long veils on coverin' most of their faces, jest their eyes a-peerin' out as if they would love to git acquainted with the strange Eastern world, where wimmen walk with faces uncovered, and swung out into effort and achievement.

I guess they wuz real good-lookin'. I know that the men with their turbans and long robes looked quite well, though odd. In the shops wuz the most beautiful jewelry and precious stuns, and queer-lookin' but magnificent silk goods, and cotton, and lamps, and leather goods, and weepons, etc., etc., etc.

Wall, right there, as we wuz a-wanderin' through that street, from the handsomest of the residences streamed forth a bridal procession. The bride wuz dressed in gorgeous array of the beautiful fabrics of the East.

And the bridegroom, with a train of haughty-lookin' Arabs follerin' him, all swept down the streets towards the Mosque, with music a-soundin' out, and flowers a-bein' throwed at 'em, and boys a-yellin', and dogs a-barkin', etc., etc.

I drew my pardner out of the way, for he stood open-mouthed with admiration a-starin' at the bride, and almost rooted to the spot.

[Illustration: A-starin' at the bride.]

But I drawed him back, and sez I, "If you've got to be killed here, Josiah Allen, I don't want you killed by a Arab."

And he sez, "I d'no but I'd jest as lieves be killed by a Arab as a Turkey.

"But," sez he, "you tend to yourself, and I'll tend to myself. I wuz jest a-studyin' human nater, Samantha."

And that wuz all the thanks I got for rescuin' him.

It wuz jest as interestin' to walk through that village as it would be to go to Egypt, and more so--for we felt considerable safer right under Uncle Sam's right arm, as it wuz--for here we wuz way off in Africa, amongst their minarets and shops, and tents, men, wimmen, and children in their strange garbs, dancin', playin' music, cookin' and servin' their food, jest as though they wuz to hum, and we wuz neighborin' with 'em, jest as nateral as we neighbor to hum with Sister Henzy or she that wuz Submit Tewksbury.

Then there wuz some native Arabs with 'em who wuz a-eatin' scorpions, and a-luggin' round snakes, and a-cuttin' and piercin' themselves with wicked-lookin' weepons, and eatin' glass; I wuz glad enough to git out of there. I hate daggers, and abominate snakes, and always did.

And then I knew what a case Josiah Allen is to imitate and foller new-fangled idees, and I didn't want my new glass butter dish and cream pitcher to fall a victim to his experiments.

Wall, next come Algeria and Tunis, and then Tunicks showed jest how they lived and moved in their own Barbery's state.

Their housen are beautiful, truly Oriental--white, with decorations of pale green, blue, and vermilion.

One is a theatre that will hold 600 folks.

Then comes the panorama of the big volcano Kilauana.

They couldn't bring the volcano with 'em, as volcanoes can't be histed round and lifted up on camels, or packed with sawdust, specially when they're twenty-seven milds acrost.

So they brung this great picter of it. I spoze it is a sight to see it.

But Josiah felt that he couldn't afford to go in and see the sight, and he sez, "It is only a hole with some fire and ashes comin' out of the top of it."

I sez ironically, "Some like our leech barrel, hain't it, with a few cinders on top?"

"Why, yes; sunthin' like that," sez he. "It wouldn't pay to throw away money on ashes and fire that we can see any day to hum."

I didn't argue with him, for I never took to volcanoes much--I never loved to git intimate with 'em. But it wuz a sight to behold, so Miss Plank said--she went in to see it. She said, "It took her breath away the sight on't, but she's got it back agin (the breath); she talked real diffuse about it. But to resoom. The Chinese Village wuz jest like goin' through China or bein' dropped down onbeknown to you into a China village.

Two hundred Chinamen are here by a special dispensation of Uncle Sam.

And next to China is the Captive Balloon. I had wondered a sight what that meant.

Josiah thought that somebody had catched a young balloon, and wuz bringin' it up by hand, but I knew better than that. I knew that balloons didn't grow indigenious.

And it wuz jest as I'd mistrusted--they had a big balloon here all tied up ready to start off at a minute's notice.

You jest paid your money, and you could go on a trip up in it through the blue fields of air. I told Josiah "that it wouldn't be but a few years before folks would ride round in 'em jest as common as they do in wagons." Sez I, "Mebby we shall have a couple of our own stanchled up in our own barn."

"You mean tied up," sez he, and I do spoze I did mean that.

But now to look up at the great deep overhead, and consider the vastness of space, and consider the smallness of the ropes a-holdin' the balloon down, I said to myself, "Mebby it wuz jest as well not to tackle the job of ridin' out in it that day."

Jest as I wuz a-meditatin' this Josiah spoke up, and sez, "I won't pay out no two dollars apiece to ride in it."

And I sez, "I kinder want to go up in it, and I kinder don't want to."

And he sez, "That is jest like wimmen--whifflin', onstabled, weak-livered."

Sez I, "I believe you're afraid to go up in it."

"Afraid!" sez he; "I wouldn't be afraid a mite if it broke loose and sailed off free into space."

"Why don't you try it, then?" I urged. "Wall," he sez, a-lookin' round as if mebby he could find some excuse a-layin' round on the ground, or sailin' round in the air, "if I wuz," sez he--"if I had another vest on. I hain't dressed up exactly as I'd want to be to go a-balloon ridin'.

"And then," sez he, a-brightenin' up, "I don't want to skair you. You'd most probable be skairt into a fit if it should break loose and start off independent into space. And it would take away all my enjoyment of such a pleasure excursion to see you a-layin' on the earth in a fit."

Sez I, "It hain't vests or affection that holds you back, Josiah Allen--it's fear."

"Fear!" sez he; "I don't know the meanin' of that word only from what I've read about it in the dictionary. Men don't know what it is to be afraid, and that is why," sez he, "that I've always been so anxious to have wimmen keep in her own spear, where men could watch over her, humble, domestic, grateful.

"Nater plotted it so," sez he; "nater designs the male of creation to branch out, to venter, to labor, to dare, while the female stays to hum and tends to her children and the housework." Sez he, "In all the works of nater the females stay to hum, and the males soar out free.

"It is a sweet and solemn truth," sez he, "and female wimmen ort to lay it to heart. In these latter days," sez he, "too many females are a-risin' up, and vainly a-tryin' to kick aginst this great law. But they can't knock it over," sez he--"the female foot hain't strong enough."

He wuz a-goin' on in this remarkably eloquent way on his congenial theme, but I kinder drawed him in by remindin' him of Miss Sheldon's tent we see in the Transportation Buildin'--the one she used in her lonely journeyin' a-explorin' the Dark Continent. Sez I, "There is a woman that has kinder branched out."

"Yes," sez he, "but men had to carry her." Sez he, "Samantha, the Lord designed it that females should stay to hum and tend to their babies, and wash the dishes. And when you go aginst that idee you are goin' aginst the everlastin' forces of nater. Nater has always had laws sot and immovable, and always will have 'em, and a passel of wimmen managers or lecturers hain't a-goin' to turn 'em round.

"Nater made wimmen and sot 'em apart for domestic duties--some of which I have enumerated," sez he.

"Whilst the males, from creation down, have been left free to skirmish round and git a livin' for themselves and the females secreted in the holy privacy of the hum life."

Jest as he reached this climax we come in front of the Ostrich Farm, where thirty of the long-legged, humbly creeters are kept, and we hearn the keeper a-describin' the habits of the ostriches to some folks that stood round him.

And Josiah, feelin' dretful good-natered and kinder patronizin' towards wimmen, and thinkin' that he wuz a-goin' to be strengthened in his talk by what the man wuz a-sayin', sez to me in a dretful, overbearin', patronizin' way, and some with the air as if he owned a few of the ostriches, and me, too, he kinder stood up straight and crooked his forefinger and bagoned to me.

"Samantha," sez he, "draw near and hear these interestin' remarks. I always love," sez he, "to have females hear about the works of nater. It has a tendency," sez he, "to keep her in her place."

Sez the man as we drew near, a-goin' on with his remarks--he wuz addressin' some big man--but we hearn him say, sez he--

"The ostrich lays about a dozen and a half eggs in the layin' season--one every other day--and then she sets on the eggs about six hours out of the twenty-four, the male bird takin' her place for eighteen hours to her six.

"The male bird, as you see, stays to hum and sets on the eggs three times as long as she duz, and takes the entire care of the young ostriches, while the female roams round free, as you may say."

I turned round and sez to Josiah, "How interestin' the works of Nater are, Josiah Allen. How it puts woman in her proper spear, and men, too!"

He looked real meachin' for most a minute, and then a look of madness and dark revenge come over his liniment. A tall, humbly male bird stood nigh him, as tall agin most as he wuz.

And as I looked at Josiah he muttered, "I'll learn him--I'll learn the cussed fool to keep in his own spear."

I laid holt of his vest, and sez I, "What, do you mean, Josiah Allen, by them dark threats? Tell me instantly," sez I, for I feared the worst.

"Seein' this dum fool is so willin' to take work on him that don't belong for males to do, I'll give him a job at it. I'll see if I can't ride some of the consarned foolishness out of him."

Sez I, "Be calm, Josiah; don't throw away your own precious life through madness and revenge. The ostrich hain't to blame, he's only actin' out Nater."

"Nater!" sez Josiah scornfully--"Nater for males to stay to hum and set on eggs, and hatch 'em, and brood young ones? Don't talk to me!"

He wuz almost by the side of himself.

And in spite of my almost frenzied appeals to restrain him, he lanched upon him.

You could ride 'em by payin' so much, and money seemed to Josiah like so much water then, so wild with wrath and revenge wuz he.

I see he would go, and I reached my hand up, and sez I, "Dear Josiah, farewell!"

But he only nodded to me, and I hearn him murmurin' darkly--

"Seein' he's so dum accommodatin' that he's took wimmen's work on him that they ort to do themselves, I'll give him a pull that will be apt to teach him his own place."

[Illustration: "I'll give him a pull that will be apt to teach him his own place."]

And he started off at a fearful rate; round and round that inclosure they went, Josiah layin' his cane over the sides of the bird, and the keeper a-yellin' at him that he'd be killed.

And when they come round by us the first time I heard him a-aposthrofizin' the bird--

"Don't you want to set on some more eggs? don't you want to brood a spell?" and then he would kick him, and the ostrich would jump, and leap, and rare round. But the third time he come round I see a change--I see deadly fear depictered in his mean, and sez he wildly--

"Samantha, save me! save me! I am lost!" sez he.

I wuz now in tears, and I sez wildly--

"I will save that dear man, or perish!" and I wuz jest a-rushin' into the inclosure when they come a-tearin' round for the fourth time, and jest a little ways from us the ostrich give a wild yell and leap, and Josiah wuz thrown almost onto our feet.

As the keeper rushed in to pick him up, we see he held a feather in his hand.

He thought it wuz tore out by excitement, and Josiah clinched the feathers to save himself.

But Josiah owned up to me afterwards that he gin up that he wuz a-goin' to be killed, and that his last thought wuz as he swooned away--wuz how much ostrich feathers cost, and how sweet it would be to give me a last gift of dyin' love, by pickin' a feather off for nothin'.

I groaned and sithed when he told me, and sez I, "What won't you do next, Josiah Allen?"

But this wuz hereafter, and to pick up the thread of my story agin.

Wall, Josiah wuzn't killed, he wuz only stunted, and he soon recovered his conscientousness.

And before half a hour passed away he wuz a-talkin' as pert as you please, a-boastin' of how he would tell it in Jonesville. Sez he, "I wonder what Deacon Henzy will say when I tell him that I rode a bird while I wuz here?" Sez he, "He never rode a crow or a sparrer."

"Nor you, nuther," sez I; "how could you ride a crow?"

"Wall," sez he, "I've rid a ostrich, and the news will cause great excitement in Jonesville, and probable up as fur as Zoar and Loontown."

Then come Solomon's Temple. Josiah and I both felt that that wuz a good scriptural sight, worthy of a deacon and a deaconess, for some say that that is the proper way to address a deacon's wife.

But come to find out, the Temple wuz inside of a house, and you had to pay to go in.

And I sez, "Less pay, Josiah Allen, and go in."

And he said that "it wuzn't scriptural. Solomon's Temple in Bible times never had a house built round it. And he wuzn't a-goin' to encourage folks to go on and build meetin'-housen inside of other housen.

"Why," sez he, "if that idee is encouraged, they will be for buildin' a house round the Jonesville meetin'-house, and we will have to pay to go in."

Sez he, "Less show our colors for the right, Samantha."

The argument wuz a middlin' good one, though I felt that there wuzn't no danger.

But he went on ahead, and I had to foller on after him, like two old ducks goin' to water.

I guess that if it had been free he wouldn't have insisted on our showin' our colors.

Wall, the end of the Plaisance wuz devoted to soldiers, military displays, and camps and drill grounds.

Quite a spacious place, as big as two city blocks, and it must have been very interestin' for war-like people to look on and see 'em in their handsome uniforms, a-marchin', and a-counter-marchin', and a-haltin', and a-presentin' arms, etc., etc.

And there wuz gardens and orange groves nigh by, too, where you could see ripe oranges and green ones hangin' to the same trees--dretful interestin' sight.

Wall, if you would turn back agin and go towards the Fair ground on the south side, a Hungarian Orpheum is seen first. This is a dance hall, theatre, and restaurant all combined.

Folks can dance here all the time from mornin' till night, if they want to, but we didn't want to dance--no, indeed! nor see it; our legs wuz too wore out, and so wuz our eyes, so we wended on to the Lapland Village.

The main buildin' in this is a hundred feet long, with a square tower in the centre.

Above the main entrance is a large paintin' representin' a scene in Lapland. Inside the inclosure are the huts of a Lapland Village, with the Laps all there to work at their own work.

What a marvellous change for them! Transported from a country where there is eight months of total darkness, and four months of twilight or midnight sun, and so cold that no instrument has ever been invented to tell how cold it is.

When the frozen seas and ice and snow is all they can see from birth till death.

I wonder what they think of the change to this dazzlin' daylight, and the grandeur and bloom of 1893!

But still they seem to weather it out a considerable time in their own icy home.

King Bull, who is in Chicago, is one hundred and twelve years old, and is a five great-grandpa.

And most of the five generations of children is with him here. But marryin' as they do at ten or twelve, they can be grandpa a good many times in a hundred years, as well as not.

In this village is their housen, their earth huts, their tepees, orniments, reindeers, dogs, sledges, fur clothin', boats, fishin' tackle, etc., etc.

As queer a sight as I ever see, and here it wuz agin, my Josiah and me a-journeyin' way off in Lapland--the idee!

[Illustration: My Josiah and me a-journeyin' way off in Lapland--the idee!]

The Dahomey Village come next. This shows the homes and customs of that country where the wimmen do all the fightin'.

I sez to Josiah, "What a curiosity that wuz!"

And he sez, "I d'no about the curiosity on't. It don't seem so to me; some wimmen fight with their fists," sez he, "and some with their tongues."

That wuz his mean, onderhanded way of talkin'.

But these wimmen are about as humbly as they make wimmen anywhere.

And as for clothes, they are about as poor on't for 'em as anybody I see to the Fair. They had on jest as few as they could.

They say their war dances is a sight to see. But I didn't let Josiah look on any dancin' or anything of the kind that I could help. I did not forget what I mistrusted he sometimes lost sight on, when he's on towers--that he wuz a deacon and a grandpa.

He acted kinder longin' to the last. He said "he spozed it wuz a sight to see 'em dance and beat their tom-toms."

And I sez, "I don't want to see no children beat; and," sez I, "what did Tom do to deserve beatin'?"

Sez he, "I meant their drums, and the stuns they roll round in their husky skin bags, and cymbals," sez he.

"Then," sez I, "why didn't you say so?"

Sez he, "I spoze to see them humbly creeters with rings in their noses, a-dancin' and contortin' their bodies, and twistin' 'em round, is a sight. And I spoze the noises is as deafenin' as it would be for all the Jonesville meetin'-house to knock all the tin pans and bilers they could git holt of together, and yell.

"And they don't wear nothin' but some feathers," sez he.

"Wall," sez I, "I don't want to see no sech sight, and I don't want you to."

And dretful visions, as I said it, rolled through my mind of the awful day it would be for Jonesville, if Josiah Allen should carry home any such wild idees, and git the other old Jonesvillians stirred up in it.

To see him, and Deacon Henzy, and Deacon Bobbet, and the rest dressed up in a few feathers a-jumpin' round, and a-beatin' tin-pans, and a-contortin' their old frames, would, I thought, be the finishin' touch to me. I had stood lots of his experimentin' and branchin's out into new idees, but I felt that I could not brook this, so I would not heed his desire to stop. I made him move onwards.

And then come Austria. There is thirty-six buildin's here, and they show Austrian life and costumes in every particular.

Then come the Police Station, and Fire Department, and then a French Cider Press; but I didn't care nothin' about seein' that--cider duz more hurt than whiskey enough sight, American or French, and it wuzn't any treat to me to see it made, or drunk up, nor the effects on it nuther.

Then there wuz a large French Restaurant, one of the best-built structures on the ground.

Then come right along St. Peter's, jest as it is in this world, saints a-follerin' sinners.

It is the exact model of the Church of St. Peter's at Rome.

I would go in to see that, and Josiah consented after a parley.

It is the exact model down to the most minute details of that most wonderful glory of art. It is about thirty feet long, and about three times as high as Josiah, and it is a sight to remember; it is perfectly beautiful.

In this buildin' where the model is seen is some portraits of the different Popes, and besides these large models is some smaller ones of the beautiful Cathedral of Milan, the Piambino Palace, the Pantheon, and a statute of St. Peter himself.

Good old creeter, how I've always liked him, and thought on him!

But Josiah hurried me almost beyend my strength on the way out, for the Ferris Wheel wuz indeed nigh to us, and I forgive Josiah for his ardor when I see it.

[Illustration: The Ferris Wheel wuz indeed nigh to us, and I forgive Josiah for his ardor when I see it.]

If there wuz nothin' else to the World's Fair but jest that wheel, it would pay well to go clear from Jonesville to Chicago to see it. It stands up aginst the sky like a huge spider-web. It is two hundred and fifty feet in diameter--jest one wheel; think of that! As wide as twenty full-sized city houses--the idee! And there are thirty-six cars hitched to it, and sixty persons can ride in each car. So you can figger it out jest how much that huge spider-web catches when it gits in motion. Wall, my feelin's when I wuz a-bein' histed up through the air wuz about half and half--half sublimity and orr as I looked out on the hull glory of the world spread at my feet, and Lake Michigan, and everything--

That part wuz clear riz up and noble, and then the other half wuz a skittish feelin' and a-wonderin' whether the tacklin' would give way, and we should descend with a smash.

But the fifty-nine other people in the car with me didn't seem to be afraid, and I thought of the thirty-five other cars, all full, and a-swingin' up in the air with me; and the thought revived me some, and I managed to maintain my dignity and composure.

Josiah acted real highlarious, and he wanted to swing round time and agin; he said "he would give a cent to keep a-goin' all day long."

But I frowned on the idee, and I hurried him off by the model of the Eiffel Tower into Persia.

There it wuz agin, my pardner and I a-travellin' in Persia--the very same Persia that our old Olney's gography had told us about years and years ago--a-visitin' it our own selves.

I see the bazaars and booths all filled with the costliest laces, and rugs, and embroideries, and the Persians themselves a-sellin' 'em.

But Josiah hurried me along at a fearful rate, for I had got my eye onto some lace that I wanted.

I did not want to be extravagant, but I did want some of that lace; I thought how it would set off that night-cap.

But he said "that Jonesville lace wuz good enough if I had got to have any; but," sez he, "I don't wear lace on my night-cap."

"No," sez I; "how lace would look on a red woollen night-cap!"

"Wall," sez he, "why don't you wear red woollen ones?"

Sez I, "Josiah, you're not a woman."

"No," sez he; "you wouldn't catch a man goin' to Persia for trimmin' for a night-cap."

His axents jarred onto me, and mechanically I follered him into the Moorish Palace.

One reason why I follered him so meekly and willin'ly, I didn't know but he would broach the subject of seein' them Persian wimmen dance.

And I felt that I would ruther give a hull churnin' of fall's butter than to have his moral old mind contaminated with the sight.

For they do say, them who have seen the sight, that "them Persian dancin' girls carry dancin' clear to the very verge of ondecency, and drop way off over the verge."

I see lots of wimmen comin' out with their fan held before their blushin' faces.

They say that wimmen fairly enjoy a-goin' in there to be horrified.

They go day after day, they say, so to come out all horrified up, and their faces bathed in blushes.

The men didn't come out at all, so they said.

Wall, Josiah Allen didn't git in--no, indeed. I remembered the Jonesville meetin'-house, our pasture, and the grandchildren, and kept 'em before him all the time, so I tided him over that crisis.

Now, I never had paid any attention to the Moors, and Josiah hadn't; we never had had any to neighbor with, and I felt that I wuzn't acquainted with 'em at all, unless of course I had a sort of bowin' acquaintance, as it wuz, with that one old Moor in my Olney's gography in my school-days.

And what I'd seen of him didn't seem to make me hanker after any further acquaintance with him.

But when I see that Palace of theirn I felt overwhelmed with shame and regret to think I'd always slighted 'em so, and never had made any overtoors towards becomin' intimate with 'em.

The outside on't wuz splendid enough to almost take your breath, with its strange and gorgeous magnificence. It wuz sech a contrast in its construction to the Exposition Buildin's that lift their domes in such glory on the East.

But if the outside struck a blow onto our admiration and astonishment, what--what shall I say of the inside?

Why, as I entered that magnificent arched vestibule, with my faithful pardner by my side, and my good cotton umbrell grasped in my right hand, the view wuz pretty nigh overwhelmin' in its profusion of orniment and gorgeous decoration.

That first look seemed to take me back to Spain right out of Chicago, and other troubles. I wuz a-roamin' there with Mr. Washington Irving, and Mr. Bancroft, and other congenial and descriptive minds, and surrounded with the gorgeous picters of that old time.

I wuz back, I should presoom to say, as much, if not more, than four hundred years, when all to once I was recalled by my companion.

"Dum it, I didn't know they charged folks for goin' to meetin'!"

"Hush!" sez I; "this is not a meetin'-house, this is a palace; be calm!"

And comin' down through the centuries as sudden as if jerked by a electric lasso of lightnin', I see that old familiar sight of a man a-settin' a-sellin' tickets.

And Josiah with a deep sithe paid our fares, and we meandered onwards.

Right beyend the ticket man, to the right on him, wuz a colonnade runnin' round a circular room covered with a ruff in the shape of a tent. The ceilin' and walls are covered with landscape views of Southern Spain, and a mandolin orchestra carried out the idee of a Andulusian Garden.

And then comes a labyrinth of columns and mirrors, and through 'em and round 'em and up overhead wuz splendor on splendor of orniment, gorgeousness on gorgeousness.

These columns are made to put one in mind of the Alhambria, where we so often strayed with our friend Washington Irving.

[Illustration: Josiah paid our fares.]

And oh, what curious feelin's it did make me have to cast my eyes onwards amongst these splendid arches and pillows, and see anon or oftener a tall Moor, with his long robe and his white turban, or whatever they call it, a-fallin' round his face!

And then another and another of the white-robed figgers, a-glidin' round in amongst the arches, or a-settin' there in a vista of gorgeousness, like ghosts of the past come to visit the Columbus Fair.

Way beyend the labyrinths, and to the left on't, is the Palm Garden, with lounging places for three or four hundred visitors, and a Moorish orchestra hid by a cluster of branchin' palms, and Arab attendants in native costumes.

And then there wuz grottoes and fountains lit by electric lights, and groups of statuary illustratin' famous historical seens.

And right here, while the past wuz a-pressin' so clost to us, that we wuz almost took back there in the body--our minds wuz there, way, way back--

When sudden, swift, wuz we brung back from the past--brung back to conscientousness, as it were, by two forms and two voices.

Here of all places in the world, in the heart of a Moorish palace, did my eyes fall upon the faces of Bizer Dagget, and Selinda, his wife.

And I sez, as my eyes fell from the contemplation of art-decked freeze and fretted archways onto the old familar freckled face, and green alpaca dress, and Bizer's meek sandy whiskers, and pepper-and-salt suit--

Sez I, "Whyee, Selinda and Bizer, is it you? How do you do? When did you git here? You didn't lay out to come when we started."

"No," sez Selinda; "you know jest how it wuz, you know we had his folks to take care on, and Father Dagget wuz so helpless that we had to lift him round. And we shouldn't been able to git here at all, only Father had a severe fall out o' bed one night in the dead of night. He wuz all alone, and skairt--so we spoze--and that fall took him off on the second day.

"And as quick as we could git ready we sot off here.

[Illustration: "Whyee! Selinda and Bizer, is it you?"]

"It didn't seem really right, but you know Father hain't known anything for upwards of two years, and you know jest how bad we did want to come here.

"But I don't know as it wuz exactly right to come off so soon after he fell. I spoze it will make talk, I spoze his folks will talk, and the Jonesvillians."

"But," I sez, for I wanted to comfort her--she's a good creeter--

Sez I, "Columbus had to wait before he sot out to discover us, till Grenada fell, and that made talk." Sez I, "Probable Columbuses folks talked as much as Bizer's folks will. But," sez I, "it wuz all for the best.

"And," sez I, "your Father Dagget wuz a good creeter before he lost his mind."

"Yes," sez she, "but for upwards of two years he's tried to put his pantaloons on over his head, and he'd put his arms in his boots every time if we'd let him, thinkin' it wuz a vest."

"Wall," sez I, "you've did well by him, Selinda, and now if I wuz in your and Bizer's place, I'd try to look round all I could and git my mind off, and see everything I could see."

Sez she with a deep sithe, "There hain't no trouble about that; there is enough to see." Sez she, "It seems as though I had seen enough every five minutes sence I come, if it wuz spread out even and smooth, to cover a hull lifetime, and cover it thick, too," sez she.

"And," sez I, warmly and candidly, "Heaven knows that is true--true as gospel."

And then Selinda and Bizer, and Josiah and me walked on into other parts of the buildin', and there we see a small-lookin' model of the Santa Maria, the Admiral's flag-ship, manned by men with the same clothes on as wuz wore by Columbuses mariners. That filled me with large emotions, and Selinda felt it too.

And it wuz here that Josiah nudged me, and sez he, "You've always throwed it into my face that men don't think so much of each other as wimmen do; and now," sez he, "look at them two men--I've watched 'em as long as ten minutes--a-holdin' each other's hands."

And sure enough, I turned, and I see two good-lookin' men a-holdin' each other by the hand as if they loved each other fondly--

As if they couldn't bear to leggo. They wuz first-rate lookin' men, too, and you could see plain by their liniments how much store they sot by each other.

Wall, Josiah and I wended off and looked at the wax figgers of Lincoln, and the death of Marie Antoinette, and lots of other interestin' wax statutes; and when we come back, there stood them two men still a-holdin' each other by the hand; and Josiah whispered agin, "How they love each other! no gabblin' and gushin', like wimmen, but jest silent, clost, deep love."

"But," I sez, "I believe there is sunthin' wrong about 'em. It hain't nateral for men to stand still so long holt of hands. I believe they're in a fit or sunthin'."

"A fit!" sez he. "I spoze a woman would have a fit if she had to keep still a minute with another woman in gunshot of her.

"But to satisfy you," sez he, "I'll see."

So he accosted 'em, and sez he, "I will ask the way to Noah's Ark." So he advanced with a polite air, and sez he, "Could either one of you two gentlemen tell me where Noah's Ark is situated?" Sez he, "Bizer is anxious to see it."

They didn't move or stir, and Josiah agin sez, "Do you know where Noah's Ark is?" and he laid his hand on the arm of one of the men who stood near him.

A Columbian Guard who stood near sez, "Keep your hand offen the wax figger!"

Josiah wuz mortified most to death. He'd wanted to show off the equality of his sect, and to have man's love and fidelity proved to be but wax wuz harrowin'.

But he didn't stay mortified more'n a minute and a half on sech a business.

And the Guard told us where Noah's Ark wuz.

And Bizer and Josiah wuz all carried away with it. This wuz in the children's room, and all the animals are reproduced life size, every one of 'em two and two, jest as they enter the Ark.

We couldn't hardly tear our two pardners away, Selinda and I couldn't.

Josiah said, "It wuz so beautiful and interestin'," and so Bizer said.

But I believe what made them men cling to it so for sech a length of time, they hearn us talk about how we wanted to go into the Bazaar, where there wuz lots of things to sell.

But finally they see they couldn't hold us back no longer, so we went through that gorgeous place, all full of bronzes, rugs, vases, pipes, and etcetry.

We didn't stay long here, though, for Bizer and Josiah said that the air wuz that bad they wuz chokin', and that they couldn't stan' it.

And Selinda and I a-feelin' that chokin' a pardner wuz the last thing we wanted to undertake, we went through it at a pretty good jog, and anon we found ourselves in Turkey; and here I found the Turkeys had done first-rate.

Why, one piece of their hand-wrought lace wuz worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. While I wuz a-admirin' of it, Josiah whispered firmly--

"Don't go to thinkin' of that old night-cap in sech a time as this."

And I whispered back, "I hain't no more idee on't than you have of buyin' that old tent to take down to the lake with you a-fishin'."

That very old battle-tent wuz all hand work, embroidered in gold and silver and silk in nateral figgers, and they said it wuz worth five millions of dollars--

And a silver bedstead the Sultan is a-goin' to give to his daughter as a part of her settin' out when she marries wuz worth four hundred and fifty thousand dollars.

You can from this form some idee of the value of the other enormous exhibits.

And the most beautiful horses you ever see, right from the Sultan's stable, wuz a-prancin' round. And one hundred Beoudins with camels and dromedaries added to the picteresqueness of the seen.

And then we see Cleopatri's needle, that tall column a-risin' up to the sky, all covered with writin' worse than mine, and that's a-sayin' a good deal. I couldn't read a word on't, nor Josiah couldn't.

And to the back of the Grand Bazaar wuz leven cottages, where male and female Turkeys wuz workin' at their different trades, showin' jest how rugs, and carpets, and embroideries, and brass work is made.

As I said to Selinda, "Would you believed it possible, Selinda, if we'd been told on't a dozen years ago that you and I should be a-travellin' in Turkey to-day?"

And she said, "No, indeed; she had never imagined that she should ever visit sech foreign shores."

Yes, we felt considerable riz up to think that we wuz engaged in foreign travel, but not hauty. No, we are both on us well-principled, and don't believe in puttin' on airs.

Wall, we stayed here a good while, and Josiah thought he'd eat sunthin' here, too. If he'd had his way, he would had a good square meal in every foreign country, and native one, too. That man's appetite is wonderful. Foreign countries can't quell it down, nor rumatiz, nor nothin'.

Hakenbeck's animal show comes next, and it is the most complete--so they say--that wuz ever exhibited.

The tent is two hundred feet square, and is filled with all the animals that ever went into the Ark, and more, too, I believe. Five thousand people can go in here at one time, and set down, and see lions a-ridin' on horseback, with a woman to run the performance, and see animals a-doin' everything else that ever wuz done by 'em, and tigers, and elephants, and performin' horses, and two hundred monkeys, and one thousand parrots.

We didn't go in, but Josiah slipped in one day when I wuzn't with him, and he described it to me. He owned up to me that he had.

And he said he did it to keep me from havin' sech a skair.

"Why," sez he, "a woman that is afraid of a gobbler, and runs from a snake--

"Why," sez he, "I wouldn't as a man of feelin' take her right in the way of havin' her feelin's hurt and skairin' her most to death for nothin' this world could give."

And I said--and I meant it--"If it hadn't been for the fifty cents I guess you wouldn't felt so, Josiah Allen."

But he stuck to it that it wuz pure affection and principle. I d'no what to think about it, but I have my suspicions.

Wall, at the next place Josiah could not be restrained. It wuz the good old-fashioned New England house with gable ends, and here a good New England dinner wuz served.

And sez Josiah, "I don't leave this house till I have a good square meal."

Bizer felt jest so, and so Selinda and I jined 'em in a meal most as good as she and I got up to hum, and that is sayin' a great deal.

Josiah's satisfaction in eatin' that pork and beans, and them doughnuts, wuz a sight to witness.

Bizer called for cold biled vittles, and sure enough, they brung 'em on.

And the enjoyment of them two men wuz extreme. Selinda and I took comfort in some old-fashioned pound-cake and custard pie.

Selinda said she'd love to have the receipt of that pound-cake.

Selinda is a good plain cook. She can't cook like me, of course, but she duz well.

Wall, their extra good meal had sot up Josiah and Bizer to a wonderful extent (they had drunk coffee too strong for 'em by half, and I knew it), and them two men wanted to go back into the Cairo Street. Bizer and Selinda had never seen it, and all the way there Josiah seemed to be on the lookout to do sunthin' heroic and surprisin' to Bizer.

And jest after we got there, we did see as strange a sight as I ever see. It wuz a Eastern Fakir, as they called him. He wuz performin' one of his strange sights right there before our face and eyes.

A big crowd wuz gathered round him of human bein's in all strange costumes, and camels and their drivers, and dromedaries, and donkeys, and everything else under the sun. But this man stood calm under the sights and ear-piercin' yells and jabbers.

And in some way, I d'no how, nor Josiah don't, he wuz a-holdin' another Japan or Turkey--anyway, one of them foreign men--suspended right up in the air.

I see it, and Josiah see it, and Bizerses folks. Eight eyes from Jonesville looked at it, to say nothin' of the assembled crowd.

He wuzn't restin' on nothin' at all, so fur as we could see. What material wrought out of the Occult World wuz piled up under him I d'no.

There might have been a sofa and two cushions wrought out of another fabric different from what we know anything about, and that don't make any show aginst the summer sky.

And then, agin, it might be that Josiah wuz right.

He sez, "It's easy enough to do that. He casts a mist before our eyes, and we have to see jest what he wanted us to."

"Wall," sez I, "if I had to do one of 'em to entertain the Missionary Society at Jonesville, I d'no but I had jest as soon hist Submit Tewksbury up in the air, and suspend her there in our parlor, as to cast mists before the eyes of the Jonesvillians and make 'em see her there when she wuz a-settin' on the sofa. Either one on 'em is queer--queer as a dog."

"Wall," sez he, "you don't want to go into any sech a job. You'll kill Submit, anyway, experimentin' on her."

And I sez, "You needn't worry; I hain't a-goin' to try to branch out into no sech doin's." Sez I, "I wuz usin' Submit as a metafor."

Wall, the Fakir after a while asked the queer-lookin' crowd gathered round him for money to try more experiments with.

And wantin' to branch out and outdo Bizer, and make himself a hero, Josiah planked out a five-dollar bill.

And then the man asked Josiah to look in his hat, and there inside the band he found the money, or so it seemed.

And then he told me to look in my pocket, and there wuz five silver dollars to all appearance.

I felt real well about it, and wuz about to put 'em into my portmoney, thinkin' that they wuz my lawful prey, seein' they had fell onto me through my pardner's weakness, when lo and behold! they wuzn't there.

I felt real stunted, and kinder sot back.

"Slight of hand," sez Josiah to me and Bizer. "Don't be afraid, I'll make it all right." And he reached out his hand to git the money back. The man handed the money back, or so we spozed, and vanished in the crowd.

And Josiah, when he went to look in his hand, found some pink and white paper. He hollered round and acted for quite a spell, but the man wuz gone for good, and Josiah's money with him. Wall, Josiah wuz almost broken-hearted over the loss of his money; he felt awful browbeat and smut, and acted so.

And then it wuz Bizer's time to show off and act. Nothin' to do but what Selinda had got to ride a camel.

She hung back and acted 'fraid. She hain't a bit well, for all she is so fat. She has real dizzy spells sometimes, and is that cowardly that she'd be 'fraid to ride a cow, let alone one of them tall, humbly monsters. But nothin' to do but what Bizer would have his way.

He did it jest to go ahead of us, and I knew it, for I put my foot right down in the first on't.

Josiah would a paid out the money willin'ly ruther than had Bizer go ahead of him.

Bizer said he wanted to give Selinda all the enjoyment he could while on her tower, she had been shet up so much, and hadn't had the pleasures she ort to had.

I knew his motives and Selinda's feelin's, but couldn't break it up, for Selinda had always follered Elder Minkley's orders strict, that he gin her at the altar--

"Wives, obey your husbands."

She didn't rebel outward, but she whispered to me in pitiful axents--

"I hate to ride that creeter--oh, how I hate to! But you know my principles," sez she; "you know I always said that wives ort to obey their pardners."

And I sez, "When pardners and common sense conflict, I foller common sense every time. Howsumever," sez I, "if you want to air them principles of yourn, you won't be apt to find a more lofty place to exhibit 'em."

And I glanced up the gray precipitous sides of that camel, and she looked up 'em, too, with fear and tremblin', but begun to gird her lions, figgeratively speakin', to obey Bizer and embark.

She has always boasted to me and the other neighborin' wimmen that she has never disobeyed her husband once; and I sez to her cheerfully, "Wall, I have, and expect to agin, if the Lord spares my life."

And so Miss Bobbet told her, and Miss Gowdy, and Miss Peedick, and all the rest. She acted so high-headed about it, that we said it some to take down her pride, and some on principle.

We believed there wuz reason in all things, and none of us wimmen felt that we would stand

"On a burnin' deck,
Whence all but we had fled,"

and burn up, even if our pardners had ordered us to. We wuz law-abidin', every one on us, but we felt there wuz times where law ended and common sense begun.

But Selinda argued, I well remember, that if Bizer had ordered her to stay on that deck, she should stay and be sot fire to.

And she praised up little Casey Bianky warmly, while we thought and said that Casey acted like a fool, and felt that Mr. Bianky would much ruther had him run and save himself than to burn up; anyway, old Miss Bianky would, and I believe his pa would.

Men are good-hearted creeters the biggest heft of the time, but failable in judgment sometimes, jest like female wimmen.

But Selinda wuz firm in her belief.

And here this day in Chicago she gin one of the most remarkable proofs of it ever seen in this country.

So while Selinda trembled like a popple leaf, and her false teeth rattled over her dry tongue (besides the camel, she wuz 'fraid as death of the Turkey that driv it, and he did look fierce), the camel knelt down, and the almost swoonin' Selinda was histed up onto his back by the proud and haughty Bizer, and the strange-lookin' Turkey.

She had no more than got seated when the driver give a skairful yell, and the camel give a fearful lunge, and straightened up on its feet, and Selinda's bunnet fell back onto her neck, and lay there through the hull of the enterprise, and her gray hair floated back onchecked, for she dassent let her hands go a minit to fix it.

It wuz a mournin' bunnet and veil, but black gittin' soiled so easy, she had put on a bright green alpaca dress she had, thinkin' that she wouldn't see nobody she knew; and she wore some old yeller mitts for the same reason, and some low, shabby-lookin' shoes, and some white stockin's.

And her weight bein' two hundred and forty, she showed off vivid aginst the settin' sun.

Selinda is a meek woman and obedient, but she cries easy. You have got to take good traits and bad ones in folks. She can't help it. She always cries in class meetin', or anywhere--has cried time and agin a-tellin' how she would be trompled on and lay down and have her head chopped off if Bizer told her to.

And of course it couldn't be expected she would go through this fearful experience without sheddin' tears. No; before she had been up there two minits she begun to cry.

[Illustration: Before she had been up there two minits she begun to cry.]

She always makes up pitiful faces when she weeps. It has been talked on a sight in Jonesville, some sayin' she might help it, and some contendin' that she couldn't; but she skairs children frequent.

But now she dassent leggo a minit to git her handkerchief, so she rode along weepin' silently, and a fearful sight for men or angels, but truly a cryin' monument of wifely devotion.

As she moved off, I could see at the first strain her dress waist, bein' one of the short round ones with a belt, had bust asunder, leavin' a white waist of cotton flannel between 'em, which seemed to be a-growin' wider and wider all the time. (She wears cotton flannel for her health.)

As I see this, and not knowin' what would ensue and take place in her clothin', I cast onto the wind my own fears, and the shrinkin' timidity of my sect, and graspin' my umbrell in my hand, I run along by the side of the lofty quadreped, a-tryin' to reach up and fix her a little.

But I could not; her position wuz too lofty, the mount wuz too precipitous on which she sot.

She see me, but she didn't stop her cryin', and the faces she wuz a-makin' wuz pitiful in the extreme, and skairful to anybody that hadn't seen 'em so much as I had. She wuz half bent, which made her cotton-flannel infirmity harder to witness.

The camel wuz a-swayin' fearful from side to side, and a-lurchin' forwards and a lurchin' backwards at a dangerous rate.

Oh, how dizzy-headed Selinda must have been! How skairt and how dretful her feelin's wuz!

Sez I, "Dismount to once, Selinda Dagget."

"No," sez she; "Bizer has placed me here, and here I will stay."

"You don't know whether you will or not," sez I. "I believe you are a-fallin' off; and," sez I, "I'm 'fraid you'll git killed, Selinda; do git down!"

"I fear it too," sez she, and she looked down on me with agony in her mean, and sez she--

"Good-bye, Sister Allen; if we don't meet agin, we both believe in a better country."

I wuz all carried away by my emotions, or wouldn't spoke out so; but I sez--

"This country is all right enough, if folks didn't act like fools in it." Sez I, "Do you git down and pull down your bask, and wipe your nose and eyes; you look like fury, Selinda Dagget."

"No," sez she; "Bizer wanted me to ride, and I shall die a-pleasin' him. I took vows of obedience onto me at the altar, and if I die here, Sister Allen, tell the female sistern at Jonesville that I died a-keepin' them vows."

Sez I, "I'll tell 'em you died a nateral fool;" and sez I agin, "Git down offen that camel, Selinda Dagget, before you fall off."

And I kep clost by her, and kinder poked at her with my umbrell, to let her know I hadn't deserted her, and havin' a blind idee that I could hold her up with it if the worst come.

Where wuz Bizer durin' this fearful seen? while I wuz a-showin' plain the deathless devotion to my sect--to another one in distress.

He wuz all took up with his own feelin's of pride and show.

He wuz a-ridin' a donkey, and it wuz a-backin' up and a-actin', and took every mite of his strength and firmness to keep on.

He had a tall white hat with a mournin' weed on't, and a long linen duster, and the wind blowed this out some like a balloon.

He looked queer; but as soon as he stiddied himself on't he tried his best to reach the side of Selinda--I'll say that for him. But the donkey wuz obstinate, and kep a-backin' up, and Bizer, bein' his legs dragged, kinder walked along with the donkey under him. Occasionally he would set down for a spell, but the most of his journey wuz done a-walkin' afoot. And the crowd see it and cheered.

It wuz hard on Bizer. Nothin' but pride and ambition led him into the undertakin', or kep him up through it.

As for me, I lost all patience, and my breath, too, and went back to my pardner.

And anon or about that time they made their rounds, and come back where Josiah and I stood.

I reached up a handkerchief to Selinda as quick as I could, but she couldn't wipe her eyes or tend to her nose until she dismounted, or fix the gapin' kasum at the back of her waist.

She greeted me warmly the minit her feet touched terry firmy, as one might who had come out of great peril. She's a good-hearted creeter.

And between us both, with some pins I took out of my huzzy I always carry with me, we fixed her up agin.

And if you'll believe it, the very minit I got her pinned up she begun to act high-headed and to boast of how much principle she'd shown.

And I said, "You've shown more'n principle, Selinda; you've showed cotton flannel that you had ort to have kep to yourself. You have made a panorama that can't be described."

"Yes," sez she; "it will be sunthin' to tell on all my life."

She took it as a compliment. Oh dear me suz!

Bizer had scraped the patent leather all offen the toes of his shoes, and had squandered three dollars in money, but he felt good. Yes, they both said what a excitement this adventure would make in Jonesville when they told on't.

And I thought to myself, if the Jonesvillians could see jest how she looked, and he too, it would be apt to make a excitement.

How many times did I digest this great truth while on my tower! How little we know sometimes what a appearance we are a-makin' before men and angels, when we think we are a-doin' sunthin' wonderful!

Wall, Josiah wuz all took aback; he couldn't seem to bear Bizer's patronizin' ways so well as I could Selinda's. Truly, females learn the lesson well to suffer and be calm.

But he acted kinder surly, and proposed that we should go hum; and bein' tired as a dog, I gin a willin' consent, and Bizer and Selinda parted from us, their way layin' different from ourn.

Wall, that night, after we got back to Miss Plankses, I felt all kind o' shook up in sperit, and considerable as I do when I've eat too hearty, and of too many kinds of food.

You know, you mustn't swaller a big meal too quick, or eat too many kinds of food when you're tired, or it won't set right on your stomach.

I felt real dyspeptic in my mind that night, and I felt that I had wandered out of the sweet, level paths of Moderation and Megumness that I love to wander in.

But I am a eppisodin', and to resoom.

It seemed as if the bed never felt so good to me as it did that night; and the pillers never felt so soft, and quiet, and comfortable. And with a deep sithe of content I went out at once into the Land of Sleep, and bein' too tired to

"tread its windin' ways
Beyend the reach of busy feet,"

I sunk down under the shade of a branchin' Poppy Tree, and laid there becalmed and peaceful till Miss Plankses risin' bell rung--way up the stairway, up into my bedroom--and echoed over into the Land, shook the drowsy boughs over my head, and waked me up.

And then, tired as I wuz the night before, I felt considerable chipper. _

Read next: Chapter 20

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