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Trumps: A Novel, a novel by George William Curtis |
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Chapter 73. The Belch Platform |
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_ CHAPTER LXXIII. THE BELCH PLATFORM "My dear Newt, as a friend who has the highest respect for you, and the firmest faith in your future, I am sure you will allow me to say one thing." "Oh! certainly, my dear Belch; say two," replied Abel, with the utmost suavity, as he sat at table with General Belch. "I have no peculiar ability, I know," continued the other, "but I have, perhaps, a little more experience than you. We old men, you know, always plume ourselves upon experience, which we make do duty for all the virtues and talents." "And it is trained for that service by being merely a synonym for a knowledge of all the sins and rascalities," said Abel, smiling, as he blew rings of smoke and passed the decanter to General Belch. "True," replied the other; "very true. I see, my dear Newt, that you have had your eyes and your mind open. And since we are going to act together--since, in fact, we are interested in the same plans--" "And principles," interrupted Abel, laying his head back, and looking with half-closed eyes at the vanishing smoke. "Oh yes, I was coming to that--in the same plans and principles, it is well that we should understand each other perfectly." General Belch paused, looked at Abel, and took snuff. "I think we do already," replied Abel. "Still there are one or two points to which I would call your attention. One is, that you can not be too careful of what you say, in regard to its bearing upon the party; and the other is, a general rule that the Public is an ass, but you must never let it know you think so. If there is one thing which the party has practically proved, it is that the people have no will of their own, but are sheep in the hands of the shepherd." The General took snuff again. "The Public, then, is an ass and a sheep?" inquired Abel. "Yes," said the General, "an ass in capacity, and in preference of a thistle diet; a sheep in gregarious and stupid following. You say 'Ca, ca, ca,' when you want a cow to follow you; and you say 'Glorious old party,' and 'Intelligence of the people,' and 'Preference of truth to victory,' and so forth, when you want the people to follow you." "An ass, a sheep, and a cow," said Abel. "To what other departments of natural history do the people belong, General?" "Adders," returned Belch, sententiously. "How so?" asked Abel, amused. "Because they are so cold and ungrateful," said the General. "As when, for instance," returned Abel, "the Honorable Watkins Bodley, having faithfully served his constituency, is turned adrift by--by--the people." He looked at Belch and laughed. The fat nose of the General glistened. "No, no," said he, "your illustration is at fault. He did not faithfully serve his constituency. He was not sound upon the great Grant question." The two gentlemen laughed together and filled their glasses. "No, no," resumed the General, "never forget that the great thing is drill--discipline. Keep the machinery well oiled, and your hand upon the crank, and all goes well." "Until somebody knocks off your hand," said Abel. "Yes, of course--of course; but that is the very point. The fight is never among the sheep, but only among the shepherds. Look at our splendid system, beginning with Tom, Jim, and Ned, and culminating in the President--the roots rather red and unsightly, but oh! such a pretty flower, all broadcloth, kid gloves, and affability--contemplate the superb machinery," continued the General, warming, "the primaries, the ward committees, the--in fact, all the rest of it--see how gloriously it works--the great result of the working of the whole is--" "To establish justice, insure domestic tranquillity, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity," interrupted Abel, who had been scanning the Constitution, and who delivered the words with a rhetorical pomp of manner. General Belch smiled approvingly. "That's it--that's the very tone. You'll do. The great result is, who shall have his hand on the crank. And there are, therefore, always three parties in our beloved country." Abel looked inquiringly. "First, the ins, who are in two parties--the clique that have, and the clique that haven't. They fight like fury among themselves, but when they meet t'other great party they all fight together, because the hopes of the crank for each individual of each body lie in the party itself, and in their obedience to its discipline. These are two of the parties. Then there is the great party of the outs, who have a marvelous unanimity, and never break up into quarrelsome bodies until there is a fair chance of their ousting the ins. I say these things not because they are not pretty obvious, but because, as a man of fashion and society, you have probably not attended to such matters. It's dirty work for a gentleman. But I suppose any of us would be willing to pick a gold eagle out of the mud, even if we did soil our fingers." "Of course," replied Abel, in a tone that General Belch did not entirely comprehend--"of course no gentleman knows any thing of politics. Gentlemen are the natural governors of a country; and where they are not erected into a hereditary governing class, self-respect forbids them to mix with inferior men--so they keep aloof from public affairs. Good Heavens! what gentleman would be guilty of being an alderman in this town! Why, as you know, my dear Belch, nothing but my reduced circumstances induces me to go to Congress. By-the-by--" "Well, what is it?" asked the General. "I'm dreadfully hard up," said Abel. "I have just the d----est luck you ever conceived, and I must raise some money." The fat nose glistened again, while the General sat silently pondering. "I can lend you a thousand," he said, at length. "Thank you. It will oblige me very much." "Upon conditions," added the General. "Conditions?" asked Abel, surprised. "I mean understandings," said the General. "Oh! certainly," answered Abel. "You pledge yourself to me and our friends that you will at the earliest moment move in the matter of the Grant; you engage to secure the votes somehow, relying upon the pecuniary aid of our friends who are interested; and you will repay me out of your first receipts. Ele will stand by you through thick and thin. We keep him there for that purpose." "My dear Belch, I promise any thing you require. I only want the money." "Give me your hand, Newt. From the bottom of my soul I do respect a man who has no scruples." They shook hands heartily, and filling their glasses they drank "Success!" The General then wrote a check and a little series of instructions, which he gave to Abel, while Abel himself scribbled an I.O.U., which the General laid in his pocket-book. "You'll have an eye on, Ele," said the General, as he buttoned his coat. "Certainly--two if you want," answered Abel, lazily, repeating the joke. "He's a good fellow, Ele is," said Belch; "but he's largely interested, and he'll probably try to chouse us out of something by affecting superior influence. You must patronize him to the other men. Keep him well under. I have a high respect for cellar stairs, but they mustn't try to lead up to the roof. Good-by. Hail Newt! Senator that shall be!" laughed the General, as he shook hands and followed his fat nose out of the door. Left to himself, Abel walked for some time up and down his room, with his hands buried in his pocket and a sneering smile upon his face. He suddenly drew one hand out, raised it, clenched it, and brought it down heavily in the air, as he muttered, contemptuously, "What a stupid fool! I wonder if he never thinks, as he looks in the glass, that that fat nose of his is made to lead him by." For the sagacious and fat-nosed General had omitted to look at the little paper Newt handed to him, thinking it would be hardly polite to do so under the circumstances. But if he had looked he would have seen that the exact sum they had spoken of had been forgotten, and a very inconsiderable amount was specified. It had flashed across Abel's mind in a moment that if the General subsequently discovered it and were disposed to make trouble, the disclosure of the paper of instructions which he had written, and which Abel had in his possession, would ruin his hopes of political financiering. "And as for my election, why, I have my certificate in my pocket." _ |
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