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The Foolish Dictionary, a non-fiction book by Gideon Wurdz |
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_ Soap, long deferred, maketh the dirt stick. =PAIN= A sensation experienced on receiving a Punch, particularly the London one. * * * * * =PALMISTRY= A plausible excuse for holding hands. * * * * * =PANTS= Trousers' Country Cousins. * * * * * =PARACHUTE= A successful method for getting the drop on the Earth. * * * * * =PARAGON= The model man a woman regrets she gave up for the one she mistakenly married. * * * * * =PARENTS= One of the hardships of a minor's life. * * * * * =PASS= A form of transportation issued free to those who are quite able to pay. =PASSENGER= One who does not travel on a pass. (Antonym for Deadhead). From Eng. pass, to go, and Grk. endidomi, to give up. One who has to give up to go. * * * * * =PARROT= An individual who can never be held responsible for what he says. * * * * * =PASTRY= A deadly weapon carried by cafes, cooks and newly married housekeepers. * * * * * =PATRIOT= One who is willing to take all of Uncle Sam's bonds in a lump. * * * * * =PAWN= v. t., To keep property in the family by leaving it all with your Uncle. * * * * * =PAWNBROKER= A mercenary man to whom money is the one redeeming quality. * * * * * =PEACE= A mythical condition of tranquillity frequently reported from the Phillipines. * * * * * =PEACH= A popular synonym for Fair Woman, probably because the peach is largely a skin and stony at heart. * * * * * =PEARL= A small round product manufactured by an oyster, bought by a lobster and worn by a butterfly. * * * * * =PENITENT= From pen, meaning to write, and intent, meaning determination. One who determines for the right. * * * * * =PESSIMIST= One who paints things blue. And sometimes red. * * * * * =PHILISTINE= In Bible times, one who worried the children of Israel; today, one who worries only himself. From Grk. phloios, bark, and tino, to punish. One who barks to punish. * * * * * =PHILANTHROPIST= One who returns to the people publicly a small percentage of the wealth he steals from them privately. * * * * * =PHILOSOPHER= One who instead of crying over spilt milk consoles himself with the thought that it was over four-fifths water. * * * * * =PHILOSOPHY= Something that enables the rich to say there is no disgrace in being poor. * * * * * =PIANO= A tool frequently used in building a Rough House. * * * * * =PIN= The best dresser in a woman's acquaintance--of remarkable penetration and true as steel, seldom loses its head, follows its own bent and carries its point in whatever it undertakes. * * * * * =PING-PONG= A game invented for the benefit of furniture and crockery dealers. * * * * * =PITY= An emotion awakened in a man's mind when he beholds the children of a woman who might have married him instead. * * * * * =PLATONIC LOVE= An arrangement in which a man and woman attempt a correct imitation of a pair of icicles--and never succeed. * * * * * =PLENTY= A desirable condition that is likely to step out whenever Extravagance steps in. * * * * * =PLUM= A fruit that ripens and falls from the Political Tree--but only after careful grafting. * * * * * =PLUMB= To ascertain the capacity of. =PLUMBER= One who ascertains the capacity of your purse, soaks you with a piece of lead and gets away with the money--a process vulgarly known as "a lead-pipe cinch." * * * * * =POLE-CAT= A small animal to be killed with a pole, the longer the pole the better. * * * * * =POLICEMAN= A never present help in time of trouble. * * * * * =POLYGAMY= A thoughtless way of increasing the family expenses. * * * * * =POLYGLOT= A parrot that can swear in several languages. * * * * * =POSTSCRIPT= The only thing readable in a woman's letter. * * * * * =PRETZEL= The bar-keeper's promoter. * * * * * =PROTECTION= Originally, the swaddling clothes of the infant, Industry; now, merely the shoe-lacings for the giant, Monopoly. * * * * * =PRO= and =CON= Prefixes of opposite meaning. For example, Progress and Congress. * * * * * =PRUDE= A native of Boston. * * * * * =PRUDENCE= A quality of mind that restrains the wise boarder from trying to find out how his landlady makes her hash. * * * * * =PRUDERY= A quality that displays a lack of modesty as a wig does a loss of hair. * * * * * =PRUNE= A plum that has seen better days: the boarding-house veteran and the landlady's pet; badly wrinkled, yet well preserved. * * * * * =PUGILIST= A close-fisted party who is often roped in but never gives up till he's out. * * * * * =PULLMAN PORTER= A legalized train-robber. * * * * * =PUNCH= A weekly obituary notice from London, chronicling the death of Humor. Never make a mountain out of a mole-hill--Try gold, silver, copper or radium--there's more in it. _ |
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