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The Foolish Dictionary, a non-fiction book by Gideon Wurdz |
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_ A miss is as good as her smile. =SADDUCEE= A person holding skeptical religious views. Hopeless, hence sad you see. * * * * * =SAILOR= A man who makes his living on water but never touches it on shore. * * * * * =SANDWICH= An unsuccessful attempt to make both ends meat. * * * * * =SAUSAGE= An aftermath of the dog-days. * * * * * =SCAFFOLD= A work of art that rarely fails to get a hanging. * * * * * =SCARECROW= An operator who repeatedly corners corn, without caws. * * * * * =SCORCHER= A chauffeur in an all-fired hurry. * * * * * =SCULPTOR= A poor unfortunate who makes faces and busts. * * * * * =SELF-MADE= Complimentary term for a respectable crook. * * * * * =SHAMROCK= A three-time loser as a racer at sea, but a four-time winner as an "ad." for tea--and Sir T. * * * * * =SHEPHERD= One who depends on a crook for a living. * * * * * =SHIRT= Every man's bosom friend. * * * * * =SILVER= A metallic form of opium, smoked by Presidential impossibilities. * * * * * =SINNER= A stupid person who gets found out. * * * * * =SNAP= A brisk, energetic quality that enables a man with ginger to take the cake. * * * * * =SNORE= An unfavorable report from headquarters. * * * * * =SOROSIS= A female gas company that lays its pipes on cultivated grounds. * * * * * =SPAGHETTI= A table-dish eaten only by Italians and jugglers. From Lat. spadix, branch, or fork, and gestamen, burden. A burden for the fork. * * * * * =SPIDER= A busy weaver and a good correspondent, who drops a line by every post. * * * * * =STARS= The greatest astronomers known, having studded the heavens for ages. * * * * * =STAYS= A sort of straight-jacket employed in reforming women. * * * * * =STOCKINGS= Woman's only savings for A Rainy Day. * * * * * =STOCKS= An unreliable commodity bought and sold by gamblers. If you win, it's an investment; if you lose, a speculation. * * * * * =STOVE-PIPE= A movable cylinder used as a receptacle for smoke and profanity. * * * * * =SPRING= Formerly a very delightful season but now obsolete except in poetry and the Old Farmer's Almanac. * * * * * =SPINSTER= An ember from which the sparks have flown. * * * * * =SUBWAY= In Boston, a place where one may enjoy continuous disturbance of the peace, disorderly conduct, assault and battery, riot and rebellion. These events are allowed by law, and the entry-fee is five cents. * * * * * =SUCCESS= A goal usually reached by those who employ their time in cultivating a more definite aim in life rather than in searching for a larger target. * * * * * =SUMMER= An oppressive and expensive season invented by rural cottage and hotel owners, railroad and steamboat companies and the Iceman. * * * * * =SUN= A yellow arrival from Way Down East, who goes west daily, operates a heating and lighting trust, draws water, prints pictures, develops crops, liquidates the ice business and tans skins on the side. Profits by his daily rays and always has a shine. * * * * * =SYMPATHY= Feeling for others; very noticeable in Blind Man's Buff. * * * * * =SYNDICATE= A conspiracy to extend the modest business established by Captain Kidd.
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