A Letter To Dr. Helsham

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Title:     A Letter To Dr. Helsham
Author: Jonathan Swift [More Titles by Swift]

SIR,
Pray discruciate what follows.

The dullest beast, and gentleman's liquor,
When young is often due to the vicar,[1]

The dullest of beasts, and swine's delight,
Make up a bird very swift of flight.[2]

The dullest beast, when high in stature,
And another of royal nature,
For breeding is a useful creature.[3]

The dullest beast, and a party distress'd,
When too long, is bad at best.[4]

The dullest beast, and the saddle it wears,
Is good for partridge, not for hares.[5]

The dullest beast, and kind voice of a cat,
Will make a horse go, though he be not fat.[6]

The dullest of beasts and of birds in the air,
Is that by which all Irishmen swear.[7]

The dullest beast, and famed college for Teagues,
Is a person very unfit for intrigues.[8]

The dullest beast, and a cobbler's tool,
With a boy that is only fit for school,
In summer is very pleasant and cool.[9]

The dullest beast, and that which you kiss,
May break a limb of master or miss.[10]

Of serpent kind, and what at distance kills,
Poor mistress Dingley oft hath felt its bills.[11]

The dullest beast, and eggs unsound,
Without it I rather would walk on the ground.[12]

The dullest beast, and what covers a house,
Without it a writer is not worth a louse.[13]

The dullest beast, and scandalous vermin,
Of roast or boil'd, to the hungry is charming.[14]

The dullest beast, and what's cover'd with crust,
There's nobody but a fool that would trust.[15]

The dullest beast, and mending highways,
Is to a horse an evil disease.[16]

The dullest beast, and a hole in the ground,
Will dress a dinner worth five pound.[17]

The dullest beast, and what doctors pretend,
The cook-maid often has by the end.[18]

The dullest beast, and fish for lent,
May give you a blow you'll for ever repent.[19]

The dullest beast, and a shameful jeer,
Without it a lady should never appear.[20]

_Wednesday Night_.

I writ all these before I went to bed. Pray explain them for me, because
I cannot do it.

[Footnote 1: A swine.] [Footnote 2: A swallow.] [Footnote 3: A stallion.] [Footnote 4: A sail.] [Footnote 5: A spaniel.] [Footnote 6: A spur.] [Footnote 7: A soul.] [Footnote 8: A sloven.] [Footnote 9: A sallad.] [Footnote 10: A slip.] [Footnote 11: A sparrow.] [Footnote 12: A saddle.] [Footnote 13: A style.] [Footnote 14: A slice.] [Footnote 15: A spy.] [Footnote 16: A spavin.] [Footnote 17: A spit.] [Footnote 18: A skewer.] [Footnote 19: Assault.] [Footnote 20: A smock.]

[The end]
Jonathan Swift's poem: Letter To Dr. Helsham

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