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The Shopkeeper Turned Gentleman, a play by Moliere |
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Act 2 |
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_ ACT II SCENE I.--MR. JOURDAIN, DANCING MASTER, MUSIC MASTER.
MUS. MAS. When the dance is accompanied by the music, you will find it still more effective, and you will see something charming in the little ballet we have prepared for you. MR. JOUR. It is for this afternoon, mind; and the person for whom I have ordered all this is to do me the honour of coming to dine here. DAN. MAS. Everything is ready. MUS. MAS. But, Sir, this is not enough; a gentleman magnificent in all his ideas like you, and who has taste for doing things handsomely, should have a concert at his house every Wednesday or Thursday. MR. JOUR. But why should I? Do people of quality have concerts? MUS. MAS. Yes, Sir. MR. JOUR. Oh! very well! Then I too must have some. It'll be fine? MUS. MAS. Very. You must have three voices: a treble, a counter-tenor, and a bass; which must be accompanied by a bass-viol, a theorbo lute, and a harpsichord for the thorough-basses, with two violins to play the harmonics. MR. JOUR. You must also have a trumpet-marine. [Footnote: An instrument with one thick string.] The trumpet-marine is an instrument that I like, and a very harmonious one. MUS. MAS. Leave all the arrangements to us. MR. JOUR. Be sure you don't forget to send me, by and by, some singers to sing at table. MUS. MAS. You shall have all that is necessary. MR. JOUR. But, above all, give us a nice ballet. MUS. MAS. You will be pleased with it, and particularly with certain minuets which you shall see in it. MR. JOUR. Ah! minuets are my favourite dance, and you should see me dance one. Come, my master. DAN. MAS. A hat, Sir, if you please. (MR. JOURDAIN _takes the hat from his_ SERVANT, _and puts it on over his night-cap; his master takes him by both hands, and makes him dance to a minuet air which he hums._) La, la, la, la, la, la; la, la, la, la, la, la, la; la, la, la, la, la, la; la, la, la, la, la, la; la, la, la, la, la; in time, if you please; la, la, la, la, la; the right leg, la, la, la; do not shake your shoulders so much; la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la; your two arms are crippled; la, la, la, la, la; hold up your head; turn out your toes; la, la, la; your body erect. MR. JOUR. Eh! eh! MUS. MAS. Wonderfully well done. MR. JOUR. Now I think of it! Teach me to make a bow to a marchioness. I shall have need of it presently. DAN. MAS. A bow to a marchioness? MR. JOUR. Yes; a marchioness, whose name is Dorimene. DAN. MAS. Give me your hand. MR. JOUR. No. You need only do it yourself. I shall be sure to remember. DAN. MAS. If you want to salute her with great respect, you must first of all bow whilst stepping backward, then, advancing towards her, make three bows, and at the last bow bend down to her very knees. MR. JOUR. Do it a little for me to see. (_After the_ DANCING MASTER _has made three bows_) Good. SCENE II.--MR. JOURDAIN, MUSIC MASTER, DANCING MASTER, A SERVANT. SER. Sir, your fencing master is here. MR. JOUR. Make him come in here for my lesson. (_To the_ MUSIC _and_ DANCING MASTERS) I wish you to see me perform. SCENE III.--MR. JOURDAIN, FENCING MASTER, MUSIC MASTER, DANCING MASTER, A SERVANT _holding two foils_. FEN. MAS. (_taking the two foils from the hands of the_ SERVANT, _and giving one to_ MR. JOURDAIN). Now, Sir, the salute. The body upright, resting slightly on the left thigh. The legs not so far apart; the feet in a line. The wrist in a line with the thigh. The point of the foil opposite the shoulder. The arm not quite so much extended. The left hand as high as the eye. The left shoulder more squared. The head erect; the look firm. Advance; the body steady. Engage my blade in quart, and retain the engagement. One, two. As you were. Once more, with the foot firm. One, two; a step to the rear. When you make an attack, Sir, the sword should move first, and the body be well held back. One, two. Engage my blade in tierce, and retain the engagement. Advance; the body steady. Advance; one, two. Recover. Once more. One, two. A step to the rear. On guard, Sir; on guard. (_The_ FENCING MASTER _delivers two or three attacks, calling out_, "On guard!") MR. JOUR. Ah! MUS. MAS. You are doing wonders. FEN. MAS. As I have already told you, the whole art of fencing consists of one of two things--in giving and not receiving; and as I showed you the other day by demonstrative reason, it is impossible for you to receive if you know how to turn aside your adversary's weapon from the line of your body; and this again depends only on a slight movement of the wrist to the inside or the out. [Footnote: Kindly corrected by Mr. Maclaren, The Gymnasium, Oxford.] MR. JOUR. So that a man, without having any courage, is sure of killing his man, and of not being killed himself. FEN. MAS. Exactly. Did you not see plainly the demonstration of it? MR. JOUR. Yes. FEN. MAS. And this shows you of what importance we must be in a state; and how much the science of arms is superior to all the other useless sciences, such as dancing, music.... DAN. MAS. Gently, Mr. Fencing Master; speak of dancing with respect, if you please. MUS. MAS. Pray learn to treat more properly the excellence of music. FEN. MAS. You certainly are odd sort of people to try and compare your sciences to mine. MUS. MAS. Just see the man of importance! DAN. MAS. A fine animal, to be sure, with his plastron. FEN. MAS. Take care, my little dancing master, or I shall make you dance in fine style. And you, my little musician, I'll teach you to sing out. DAN. MAS. And you, my beater of iron, I'll teach you your trade. MR. JOUR. (_to the_ DANCING MASTER). Are you mad to go and quarrel with a man, who understands tierce and quart, and knows how to kill another by demonstrative reason? DAN. MAS. I don't care a straw for his demonstrative reason, and his tierce and his quart. MR. JOUR. (_to the_ DANCING MASTER). Gently, I tell you. FEN. MAS. (_to the_ DANCING MASTER). How! You little impudent fellow! MR. JOUR. Ah! my fencing master! DAN. MAS. (_to the_ FENCING MASTER). How! you great cart-horse! MR. JOUR. Stop! my dancing master! FEN. MAS. If I once begin with you.... MR. JOUR. (_to the_ FENCING MASTER). Gently. DAN. MAS. If I lay my hand upon you.... MR. JOUR. Softly. FEN. MAS. I will beat you after such a fashion.... MR. JOUR. (_to the_ FENCING MASTER). For goodness sake! DAN. MAS. I'll thrash you in such a style.... MR. JOUR. (_to the_ DANCING MASTER). I beg of you.... MUS. MAS. Let us teach him a little how to behave himself. MR. JOUR. (_to the_ MUSIC MASTER). Gracious heavens! Do stop. SCENE IV.--PROFESSOR OF PHILOSOPHY, MR. JOURDAIN, MUSIC MASTER, DANCING MASTER, FENCING MASTER, A SERVANT. MR. JOUR. Oh! you are in the very nick of time with your philosophy. Pray come here and restore peace among these people. PROF. PHIL. What is going on? What is the matter, gentlemen? MR. JOUR. They have got themselves into such a rage about the importance that ought to be attached to their different professions that they have almost come to blows over it. PROF. PHIL. For shame, gentlemen; how can you thus forget yourselves? Have you not read the learned treatise which Seneca composed on anger? Is there anything more base and more shameful than the passion which changes a man into a savage beast, and ought not reason to govern all our actions? DAN. MAS. How, Sir! He comes and insults us both in our professions; he despises dancing, which I teach, and music, which is his occupation. PROF. PHIL. A wise man is above all the insults that can be offered him; and the best and noblest answer one can make to all kinds of provocation is moderation and patience. FEN. MAS. They have both the impertinence to compare their professions to mine! PROF. PHIL. Why should this offend you? It is not for vain glory and rank that men should strive among themselves. What distinguishes one man from another is wisdom and virtue. DAN. MAS. I maintain that dancing is a science which we cannot honour too much. [Footnote: In fact, dancing was much more honoured in Moliere's time than it is now.] MUS. MAS. And I that music is a science which all ages have revered. FEN. MAS. And I, I maintain against them both that the science of attack and defence is the best and most necessary of all sciences. PROF. PHIL. And for what, then, do you count philosophy? I think you are all three very bold fellows to dare to speak before me with this arrogance, and impudently to give the name of science to things which are not even to be honoured with the name of art, but which can only be classed with the trades of prize-fighter, street-singer, and mountebank. FEN. MAS. Get out, you dog of a philosopher. MUS. MAS. Get along with you, you beggarly pedant. DAN. MAS. Begone, you empty-headed college scout. PROF. PHIL. How, scoundrels that you are! (_The_ PHILOSOPHER _rushes upon them, and they all three belabour him_.) MR. JOUR. Mr. Philosopher. PROF. PHIL. Infamous villains! MR. JOUR. Mr. Philosopher! FEN. MAS. Plague take the animal! MR. JOUR. Gentlemen! PROF. PHIL. Impudent cads! MR. JOUR. Mr. Philosopher! DAN. MAS. Deuce take the saddled ass! MR. JOUR. Gentlemen! PROF. PHIL. Scoundrels! MR. JOUR. Mr. Philosopher! MUS. MAS. Devil take the insolent fellow! MR. JOUR. Gentlemen! PROF. PHIL. Knaves, beggars, wretches, impostors! MR. JOUR. Mr. Philosopher! Gentlemen! Mr. Philosopher! Gentlemen! Mr. Philosopher! SCENE V.--MR. JOURDAIN, A SERVANT. MR. JOUR. Well! fight as much as you like, I can't help it; but don't expect me to go and spoil my dressing-gown to separate you. I should be a fool indeed to thrust myself among them, and receive some blow or other that might hurt me. SCENE VI.--PROFESSOR OF PHILOSOPHY, MR. JOURDAIN, A SERVANT. PROF. PHIL. (_setting his collar in order_). Now for our lesson. MR. JOUR. Ah! Sir, how sorry I am for the blows they have given you. PROF. PHIL. It is of no consequence. A philosopher knows how to receive things calmly, and I shall compose against them a satire, in the style of Juvenal, which will cut them up in proper fashion. Let us drop this subject. What do you wish to learn? MR. JOUR. Everything I can, for I have the greatest desire in the world to be learned; and it vexes me more than I can tell that my father and mother did not make me learn thoroughly all the sciences when I was young. PROF. PHIL. This is a praiseworthy feeling. _Nam sine doctrina vita est quasi mortis imago_. You understand this, and you have no doubt a knowledge of Latin? MR. JOUR. Yes; but act as if I had none. Explain to me the meaning of it. PROF. PHIL. The meaning of it is, that, _without science, life is an image of death_. MR. JOUR. That Latin is quite right. PROF. PHIL. Have you any principles, any rudiments of science? MR. JOUR. Oh yes; I can read and write. PROF. PHIL. With what would you like to begin? Shall I teach you logic? MR. JOUR. And what may this logic be? PROF. PHIL. It is that which teaches us the three operations of the mind. MR. JOUR. What are they, these three operations of the mind? PROF. PHIL. The first, the second, and the third. The first is to conceive well by means of universals; the second, to judge well by means of categories; and the third, to draw a conclusion aright by means of the figures _Barbara, Celarent, Darii, Ferio, Baralipton_, &c. MR. JOUR. Pooh! what repulsive words. This logic does not by any means suit me. Teach me something more enlivening. PROF. PHIL. Will you learn moral philosophy? MR. JOUR. Moral philosophy? PROF. PHIL. Yes. MR. JOUR. What does it say, this moral philosophy? PROF. PHIL. It treats of happiness, teaches men to moderate their passions, and.... MR. JOUR. No, none of that. I am devilishly hot-tempered, and, morality or no morality, I like to give full vent to my anger whenever I have a mind to it. PROF. PHIL. Would you like to learn physics? MR. JOUR. And what have physics to say for themselves? PROF. PHIL. Physics are that science which explains the principles of natural things and the properties of bodies, which discourses of the nature of the elements, of metals, minerals, stones, plants, and animals; which teaches us the cause of all the meteors, the rainbow, the _ignis fatuus_, comets, lightning, thunder, thunderbolts, rain, snow, hail, wind, and whirlwinds. MR. JOUR. There is too much hullaballoo in all that; too much riot and rumpus. PROF. PHIL. What would you have me teach you then? MR. JOUR. Teach me spelling. PROF. PHIL. Very good. MR. JOUR. Afterwards you will teach me the almanac, so that I may know when there is a moon, and when there isn't one. PROF. PHIL. Be it so. In order to give a right interpretation to your thought, and to treat this matter philosophically, we must begin, according to the order of things, with an exact knowledge of the nature of the letters, and the different way in which each is pronounced. And on this head I have to tell you that letters are divided into vowels, so called because they express the voice, and into consonants, so called because they are sounded with the vowels, and only mark the different articulations of the voice. There are five vowels or voices, _a, e, i, o, u_. [Footnote: It is scarcely necessary to say that this description, such as it is, only applies to the French vowels as they are pronounced in _pate, the, ici, cote, du_ respectively.] MR. JOUR. I understand all that. PROF. PHIL. The vowel _a_ is formed by opening the mouth very wide; _a_. MR. JOUR. _A, a_; yes. PROF. PHIL. The vowel _e_ is formed by drawing the lower jaw a little nearer to the upper; _a, e_. MR. JOUR. _A, e; a, e;_ to be sure. Ah! how beautiful that is! PROF. PHIL. And the vowel _i_ by bringing the jaws still closer to one another, and stretching the two corners of the mouth towards the ears; _a, e, i_. MR. JOUR. _A, e, i, i, i, i_. Quite true. Long live science! PROF. PHIL. The vowel _o_ is formed by opening the jaws, and drawing in the lips at the two corners, the upper and the lower;_ o_. MR. JOUR. _O, o_. Nothing can be more correct; _a, e, i, o, i, o_. It is admirable! _I, o, i, o_. PROF. PHIL. The opening of the mouth exactly makes a little circle, which resembles an _o_. MR. JOUR. _O, o, o_. You are right. _O_! Ah! what a fine thing it is to know something! PROF. PHIL. The vowel _u_ is formed by bringing the teeth near each other without entirely joining them, and thrusting out both the lips whilst also bringing them near together without quite joining them; _u_. MR. JOUR. _U, u_. There is nothing more true; _u_. PROF. PHIL. Your two lips lengthen as if you were pouting; so that, if you wish to make a grimace at anybody, and to laugh at him, you have only to _u_ him. MR. JOUR. _U, u_. It's true. Oh! that I had studied when I was younger, so as to know all this. PROF. PHIL. To-morrow we will speak of the other letters, which are the consonants. MR. JOUR. Is there anything as curious in them as in these? PROF. PHIL. Certainly. For instance, the consonant _d_ is pronounced by striking the tip of the tongue above the upper teeth; _da_. MR. JOUR. _Da, da_. [Footnote: Untranslatable. _Dada_ equals "cock-horse" in nursery language] Yes. Ah! what beautiful things, what beautiful things! PROF. PHIL. The _f_, by pressing the upper teeth upon the lower lip; _fa_. MR. JOUR. _Fa, fa_. 'Tis the truth. Ah! my father and my mother, how angry I feel with you! PROF. PHIL. And the _r_, by carrying the tip of the tongue up to the roof of the palate, so that, being grazed by the air which comes out with force, it yields to it, and, returning to the same place, causes a sort of tremour; _r, ra_. MR. JOUR. _R-r-ra; r-r-r-r-r-ra_. That's true. Ah! what a clever man you are, and what time I have lost. _R-r-ra_. PROF. PHIL. I will thoroughly explain all these curiosities to you. MR. JOUR. Pray do. And now I want to entrust you with a great secret. I am in love with a lady of quality, and I should be glad if you would help me to write something to her in a short letter which I mean to drop at her feet. PROF. PHIL. Very well. MR. JOUR. That will be gallant; will it not? PROF. PHIL. Undoubtedly. Is it verse you wish to write to her? MR. JOUR. Oh no; not verse. PROF. PHIL. You only wish for prose? MR. JOUR. No. I wish for neither verse nor prose. PROF. PHIL. It must be one or the other. MR. JOUR. Why? PROF. PHIL. Because, Sir, there is nothing by which we can express ourselves except prose or verse. MR. JOUR. There is nothing but prose or verse? PROF. PHIL. No, Sir. Whatever is not prose is verse; and whatever is not verse is prose. MR. JOUR. And when we speak, what is that, then? PROF. PHIL. Prose. MR. JOUR. What! When I say, "Nicole, bring me my slippers, and give me my night-cap," is that prose? PROF. PHIL. Yes, Sir. MR. JOUR. Upon my word, I have been speaking prose these forty years without being aware of it; and I am under the greatest obligation to you for informing me of it. Well, then, I wish to write to her in a letter, _Fair Marchioness, your beautiful eyes make me die of love_; but I would have this worded in a genteel manner, and turned prettily. PROF. PHIL. Say that the fire of her eyes has reduced your heart to ashes; that you suffer day and night for her tortures.... MR. JOUR. No, no, no; I don't want any of that. I simply wish for what I tell you. _Fair Marchioness, your beautiful eyes make me die of love_. PROF. PHIL. Still, you might amplify the thing a little? MR. JOUR. No, I tell you, I will have nothing but those very words in the letter; but they must be put in a fashionable way, and arranged as they should be. Pray show me a little, so that I may see the different ways in which they can be put. PROF. PHIL. They may be put, first of all, as you have said, Fair Marchioness, your beautiful eyes make me die of love; or else, Of love die make me, fair Marchioness, your beautiful eyes; or, Your beautiful eyes of love make me, fair Marchioness, die; or, Die of love your beautiful eyes, fair Marchioness, make me; or else, Me make your beautiful eyes die, fair Marchioness, of love. MR. JOUR. But of all these ways, which is the best? PROF. PHIL. The one you said: _Fair Marchioness, your beautiful eyes make me die of love_. MR. JOUR. Yet I have never studied, and I did all that right off at the first shot. I thank you with all my heart, and I beg of you to come to-morrow morning early. PROF. PHIL. I shall not fail. SCENE VII.--MR. JOURDAIN, A SERVANT. MR. JOUR. What? Has my suit of clothes not come yet? SER. No, Sir. MR. JOUR. That confounded tailor makes me wait a long time on a day like this, when I have so much business to attend to. I am furious. May the deuce fly away with the tailor! May the plague choke the tailor! May the ague shake that brute of a tailor! If I had him here now, that rascally tailor, that wretch of a tailor, I.... SCENE VIII.--MR. JOURDAIN, THE MASTER TAILOR, AN ASSISTANT TAILOR (_bringing a suit of clothes for_ MR. JOURDAIN), A SERVANT. MR. JOUR. Ha! here you are. I was just on the point of getting angry with you. TAIL. I could not come sooner, although I set twenty people to work at your coat. MR. JOUR. You have sent me such a small pair of silk stockings that I had no end of trouble to put them on, and two of the stitches are broken already. TAIL. They are pretty sure to become only too large. MR. JOUR. No doubt, if I keep on breaking the stitches. You also sent me a pair of shoes that hurt me horribly. TAIL. Not at all, Sir. MR. JOUR. How! not at all? TAIL. No; they do not hurt you at all. MR. JOUR. I tell you they do hurt me. TAIL. You fancy so. MR. JOUR. I fancy so because I feel it to be so. Did any one ever hear such an argument! TAIL. See, we have the most beautiful and the best matched suit in the whole court. It is a work of art to have discovered a sober suit of clothes not black; and I bet that the most skilful tailors would not do as much after half a dozen trials. MR. JOUR. Why, what does this mean? You have put all the flowers upside down. TAIL. You did not tell me you wished to have them the other way up. MR. JOUR. Was it necessary to say that? TAIL. Yes, certainly; for all the people of quality wear them in this way. MR. JOUR. All people of quality wear the flowers bottom upwards? TAIL. Yes, Sir. MR. JOUR. Oh, then it's all right. TAIL. If you wish it, I will put them the other way up. MR. JOUR. No, no. TAIL. You have only to say so. MR. JOUR. No, no. I tell you that you have done right. Do you think my clothes fit me well? TAIL. No doubt about it. I defy any painter with his pencil to draw you anything to fit more exactly. I have in my house a workman who to get up a rhinegrave is the greatest genius of our time, and another who in putting together a doublet is the hero of our age. MR. JOUR. Are the wig and feathers as they should be? TAIL. Everything is right. MR. JOUR. (_looking carefully at the tailor's coat_). Oh! oh! Mr. Tailor, you have there some of the stuff of the last coat you made for me! I know it well. TAIL. I thought the stuff so beautiful that I could not help cutting a coat from it for myself. MR. JOUR. Yes; but you should not have cut it from mine. TAIL. Will you put on your coat? MR. JOUR. Yes; give it me. TAIL. Wait a moment. Things are not done in that manner. I have brought my people with me to dress you to music; such coats as these are only put on with ceremony. Hullo there! Come in. SCENE IX.--MR. JOURDAIN, MASTER TAILOR, ASSISTANT TAILORS (_dancing_), A SERVANT. TAIL. Put this gentleman's suit on as you put on those of people of quality. (_The four tailors, dancing, come near_ MR. JOURDAIN; _two of them pull off the breeches he has had on for his exercises; two others take off his waistcoat; then, still dancing, they dress him in his new suit_. MR. JOURDAIN _walks round in the midst of them, and shows them his clothes for them to see whether they fit him_.) TAILS. My noble gentleman, give something, if you please, to the tailors to drink your health with. MR. JOUR. How do you call me? TAILS. My noble gentleman. MR. JOUR. See what it is to be dressed like a person of quality! Go about all your life dressed like a citizen, and nobody will ever call you a "noble gentleman." (_Giving some money_.) This is for "My noble gentleman." TAILS. We are greatly obliged to you, my lord. MR. JOUR. Oh! oh! Wait a minute, my friends. "My lord" deserves something; it is no small thing to be "My lord." Here is what his lordship gives you. TAILS. My lord, we shall go and drink your grace's health. MR. JOUR. "Your grace!" Oh! oh! oh! Stay, don't go yet. "Your grace" to me! (_Aside_) Upon my word, if he goes as far as highness, he will have the whole purse. (_Aloud_) Take this for "Your grace." TAILS. My lord, we most humbly thank you for your liberality. MR. JOUR. He did well to stop. I should have given him all. [Second entry of the BALLET.] [The FOUR ASSISTANTS rejoice, dancing, at the generosity of MR. JOURDAIN.] _ |
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