Chapter 2

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_ CHAPTER II

I felt dretful and how I wuz goin' to break it up and git his mind off I couldn't tell; I talked it over with the children. They wuz goin' to be mortified to death by the idee if carried out and they told me in confidence and the woodhouse kitchen, "It must be stopped!"

And I sez, "How is it goin' to be stopped? I've handled every weepon I know how to lay holt on. I've pompied him, cooked the very best of vittles, argued with him, eppisoded, but all to no use, he's as sot as a hen turkey on a brick bat, and I've got to the end of my chain."

Sez Tirzah Ann, "Have you tried readin' historical novels to him?"

"No," sez I, "I don't dast to be _too_ hash with him, your pa's health hain't what it wuz, I dassent take too hash measures."

Sez she, "Have you tried readin' poetry?"

"Yes," sez I, "I have read Pollock's Course of Time most through to him, and the biggest heft of 'Paradise Lost,' and I read the last named with deep feelin', I can tell you."

"Didn't it do any good?"

"Not a mite," sez I. "He would choke me off in the soarinest passages to boast about some crazy side-show at his Exposition."

Tirzah Ann sithed and sez, "I don't know what can be done."

Thomas J. is more practical and sez, "Can't you git his mind on some work? Hain't there sunthin' that ort to be done round the farm? Or in the house?"

"Id'no," sez I. "He can't plow or reap in February or pick gooseberries or wash sheep. But I know what ort to be done in the house, I tried my best to git him at it in the fall, I do want a furnace and hot water pipes put in to heat the house. We most freeze these cold days, and it is too much for your pa when Ury is away to tend to the fires."

"That's just the thing!" sez Thomas J., "get him interested in that and he will forgit all about the Allen Exposition by the time it is done."

But I sez in a discouraged way, "If I couldn't git him at it in the fall Id'no how I'm goin' to now."

"But it is worth tryin'," sez Thomas J., "for his scheme must be broke up, and if you git your furnace in now it will be all ready for another fall."

"Well," sez I, "I can try." And so I begun that very night on a new tact, or ruther the old tact in a new way, I told him how sot Thomas J. wuz on our havin' a furnace and hot water pipes put in.

Josiah thinks his eyes of his only son, and I see it kinder moved him, but he wouldn't give his consent, and sez:

"What do you want hot water pipes and a furnace for in the summer?"

Sez I pintin' to the snowy fields, "Do you call this summer, Josiah? And Thomas J. sez it will be so nice to have it all ready in the fall. And I do wish, Josiah, you would hear to me."

"Well, well, I am hearin' you, hain't I, and been hearin' for a year back, I hain't deef as an adder!" And he jammed his hat down over his ears and went to the barn. But there wuz a sort of a waverin' expression to his linement that made me have hopes.

Well, when I had, with the children's help and an enormous expenditure of good vittles and eloquence, brought him round to the idee, I found I had another trial worse than the first to contend with. Instead of hirin' a first rate workman who knew his bizness, he wuz bound, on account of cheapness, to hire a conceited creeter who thought he could do anything better than anyone else could.

He knew how to milk, Jabez Wind did, and how to clean stables, and plough and hoe corn. But he felt he could do plumbin' better than them who had handled plumbs for years. And when I see Josiah wuz sot on hirin' him to do the job I felt dretful, for he wuz no more fit for it than our brindle cow to do fine sewin', or our old steer to give music lessons on the banjo. He wuz a creeter I never liked, always tryin' to invent sunthin' and always failin. But Josiah insisted on havin' him because he wuz so much cheaper.

And I sez, "You'll sup sorrow yet, Josiah Allen, with your tendency to save and scrimp. Jabez Wind don't know nothin' about such work; he hain't got any shop or tools and I don't want him meddlin' round my house. We want the rooms warmed good and we don't want a big noise and racket, as I've hearn they make sometimes, I couldn't stand it with such noise and cracklin' goin' on day and night."

"Oh," sez Josiah, "that's one great beauty of Jabezeses invention, it is perfectly noiseless, not a murmur or gurgle from one year's end to the other, and so easy to tend. Jest twice a year, he sez, to put a pail of water in the upper tank, two pails of water a year to insure summer warmth, no dirt, no noise, not much like luggin' in wood from mornin' till night, breakin' your back cuttin' and splittin' it and litterin' up the house."

The idee of the perfect stillness did tempt me, I so love comfort and quiet, and also not havin' to sweep up after chips and kindlin' wood. But yet how did we know these things wuz so? And agin I sez, "How do you know he can do all this? He hain't got any tools."

Sez Josiah, "He's got idees if he hain't got tools. A man can borry tools, but he can't dicker for such idees as Jabez has got. See the things he's undertook."

Sez I, "Anybody can undertake things; his idees hain't made him rich or famous. That air ship of hisen he wuz goin' to sail to Europe on, rared up and spilt him in his uncle's back yard. And his automobile, when he sot off on it and headed it for the road it backed up and took him down that steep hill back of the barn into the creek, where it kep on ploughin' up dirt and slate stuns till his uncle stopped it by main force and lifted Jabez out from under it drippin' like a water rat. And his machine for perpetual motion, his ma uses it now for clothes bars," sez I. "What has he ever done to merit your encomiums?"

"Well," sez he, "he's bound to succeed this time. His idees are some like the hardware man's at Jonesville only Jabez'es are more deep and not nigh so expensive." I never liked Jabez Wind and shouldn't if I'd seen him settin' swingin' his legs off the very top of Fame's pillow. He wuz oncongenial to me, made so from the beginin'. I never knew any particular hurt of him, but he seemed so much like his own sir name, so puffed up and onsubstantial. He wuz middlin' well off to start with, or his ma wuz, but he had used up all her property in his different enterprises.

Now I dote on inventors, they wear a halo in my partial eyes. They're the greatest men of our day, and I mentally kneel at their feet, but gold always has counterfeits. The real inventor, made by the Deity to carry out his plans, is modest, silent, broodin' over his great secrets, away from the multitude where angels minister to him. But Jabez wuz loud, boastin', arrogant, his pert impudent face proclaimin' the great things he wuz goin' to do, but never did. He wuz in love, too, or what he called love, with a girl that wuz a prime favorite of mine, sweet little Rosamond Nickleson, she and I wuz such great friends she often used to come and stay a week at a time with me.

When Jabez Wind came to Jonesville, Rosy wuz about the same as engaged to a good sensible young farmer, Royal Nelson, who lived three milds above Jonesville on the old stage road. He wuz a stiddy, likely young man, who owned a nice farm well stocked, wuz good lookin', good appearin', but ruther bashful and retirin', which made him some times in company a little awkwud in his manners, and most offish where he wanted to please most. But he had a good mind, and his heart wuz pure gold, and he loved Rosy with the deep earnest love, such undemonstrative men often cherish for the one woman in the world for them. His calm gray eyes would light up with the pure light of deathless love when they rested on the sweet face of little Rosy. And he wuz always tryin' to help her in some way, lookin' out for her interest, he seemed to love to protect and wait on her in a way that argued well for the future, but mebby it wuz this constant and almost slavish devotion that made her slight him, she had got so used to his stiddy love that she didn't appreciate it as she'd ort to.

He had paid attention to Rosy for most three years. I thought mebby he wuz such a manly chap he didn't want to hurry her, she wuz so young, but everybody spozed they wuz as good as engaged when Jabez Wind come to Jonesville to live with his uncle, old Kellup Wind. He lost his wife, and Miss Wind, his brother's widder, come to keep house for him and brung Jabez with her. I hurn it wuz the bargain she wuz to have two dollars a week and Jabez'es board. That showed me what he wuz, a young man twenty-five years old hangin' on to his mother's apron strings to support him, or ruther hangin' onto her hard workin' fingers, she wuz a good housekeeper.

Well, Jabez made such a splurge in the social pool of Jonesville society, he made such florid eloquent boasts of the wonderful things he wuz goin' to do in the near future; his clothes wuz so showy, and his looks so showy (shaller I called it), with beady shiny black eyes, red cheeks, mustache and whiskers naturally red like his hair, but dyed black, and he played the fiddle so sweet, the girls said, and he sung comic songs so bea-eu-ti-ful, and he danced so light that he become a general favorite in Jonesville society and the girls all seemed to seek after him. But from the first he singled out Rosy as the object of his special patronizin' affection. She wuz well off, her pa left her a good property in money besides bein' so pretty and good herself.

And she, girls are so queer, the best of 'em, from the very fact that his affection wuz so patronizin' and down stoopin' to her, and kinder oncertain, for onlike Royal he would have spells of slightin' her and waitin' on other girls, why mebby for this very reason she seemed to be carried some distance away with him, and believed all his grand idees and looked forward to the realization of his stupendious schemes, high soundin' schemes, which had took him no furder than the middle of the creek and his uncle's back yard.

His uncle didn't believe in him no more than I did, but stood it with him on account of Karen, bein' a man that loved domestic comfort, and havin' lived in dirt, on pan-cakes and canned meats durin' different rains of incompetence materialized in hired girl form, before Karen come. But Karen worshipped Jabez, his highest mounts of future eminence seemed too low for his footstool in her adorin' eyes, somehow the very loftiness of his airs to her, his own mother who supported him and bought his clothes, seemed to render him more precious in her eyes. Wimmen are queer, queer as dogs.

Well, Jabez knew I wuz onwillin' to have him tackle the job of warmin' our house with his new water pipe invention, because I had spoke my mind about it when he and Karen had been over to spend the evenin', and Karen come over the next mornin' ostensibly to borry a cup of molasses, she wuz lookin' wore out, she'd worked so hard the day before, doin' a big washin' and bringin' the water from the creek, and I sez, "Why didn't Jabez bring it for you?"

"Oh, he wuz so busy with his inventions I couldn't bear to disturb him," sez she, holdin' her hand to her achin' side, "my son is the greatest genius in the world and folks will admit it yet, he's a young man of a thousand."

Sez I, "I should think more on him, Karen, if he should go to work and take care of you instead of you at your age workin' so hard to take care of him."

She married when she wuz quite well along in years and wuz gittin' old now and hadn't ort to work so hard. But her pale face lit up, "Oh, he will take care of me luxuriously when he's completed some of his inventions."

"But," sez I pityin'ly, "you know they hain't worked yet, any on 'em. You hung your washin' yesterday on the remains of his Perpetual Motion, and his motor carriage bein' dug up from the creek, his uncle uses it as a hen coop."

"Oh, but they will be successful, they will."

"I hope so, but I feel it my duty to tell you that I feel dubersome about it, dretful dubersome."

"But," sez she, "the New Perpetually Gushing Hot Water Tank is goin' to make us independently rich. He's takin' the plans now of Luman Heath's kitchen stove and riggin' up the machinery; Luman is to pay him lavishly, you know Luman's wife is my own cousin."

I see how it wuz, Karen's friends, to please her, wuz willin' to offer up their sure comforts and solid foundations as a sacrifice on the altar of friendship and the thought come over me, mebby I'd ort to. But it did seem as if I couldn't.

Sez Karen, "If it is a success at cousin Luman's, as it is dead sure to be, Jabez is goin' to take it to the St. Louis Exposition."

"He thinks the foreign powers will want to treat with him for it. But I told him I would ruther he would let our Government have it. But 'tennyrate he won't let the Powers git the better of him in the contract and control it and enrich themselves at his expense. He will get his onparelled idees patented before he takes it to St. Louis, it wouldn't be safe not to. I spoze the papers will be full of it."

Such talk didn't seem to move me a mite, but it impressed Josiah dretfully and he sez, "I shall have this new invention stand next to my hen coop at the Exposition of St. Josiah."

I shuddered and turned the subject round quick as I could. Well, Karen labored with me over two hours, dwellin' in particular on the perfect stillness of the heatin' apparatus, and agin as before that thought tempted me awfully, for I'd hearn the cracklin' snappin' sounds that sometimes comes from steam heat and dreaded to have it reproduced in my home, and seein' my looks Karen amplified on the idee, How sweet it would be in December to set down in a rockin' chair in the still warmth of a day in July and go through the winter in that luxurious lovely way. She talked till she had to go home almost on the run, for she said Jabez'es mind worked so hard it exhausted his body completely so she had to have the most nourishin' food ready for him at the very minute or he would break right down. But to the last she praised up Jabez'es work. But I wouldn't say a encouragin' word furder than this, "I feel dubersome about it, Karen, dretful dubersome."

That afternoon Rosy come over to stay all night, and she too tackled me on the subject. He had asked her to, always hangin' onto some woman for help. But with her too I used the same tick-tacks I had with Karen, I said mildly after each modest plea for his great genius, and how well he would do the work, "I feel dubersome about it, Rosy, dretful dubersome."

Then she, too, sweetly spoke of the summer warmth, and the entire absence of noise, and agin that thought tempted me, but I sez, "How do you know, Rosy, that it will be entirely noiseless?"

"Oh, I know it will, Jabez sez so. He is sure to succeed, and it will help him so to have your influence, he expects to publish a book of the greater eulogies from noted people on this new invention, and he intends to have your name head the list. When you say this perfectly noiseless machine heats your house too warm in the coldest weather, what a help it will be to him, and your name will be first," she repeated agin.

"He'd better have the President and Cabinet come first," sez I dryly, dry as a chip in dog days.

"No, he spoke about that, but thought he would have them come next to yours, and I approved of it," sez she affectionately, "and so did his ma.

"He will git out the book as soon as he comes home from the St. Louis Exposition with all the big eulogies he gits there on his inventions."

I groaned to myself and got up quick and went into the buttery and took a drink of cold water, I felt so kinder sickish. Well at modest intervals she would politely and gently tackle me about it, at the table and while she wuz washin' dishes, but I held firm, though very considerate and tender to her. I mogulated my axent low and gentle and looked mild at her over my specs, as I washed and she wiped, but my words wuz ever the same.

"I feel dubersome about it, Rosy, dretful dubersome."

At last Josiah's temper riz up and he vowed he wouldn't dally any longer, sez he, "I earned this money by the sweat of my brow and I'm goin' to use it as I'm a minter, and I'm a minter have these water pipes put in by Jabez Wind." (He got the money by sellin' a colt, Id'no as there wuz any great sweat about it).

But he wuz bound to have it done, and he did. And for reasons named I dassent cross him too fur and put my foot right down on the plan. And the children sez, "Better anything, mother, than his celebration. If he don't tear the house down over your head let him go on." (_Let him_! I guess I _had_ to let him.)

Jabez come on with all his riggin'. He'd borrowed tools of the hardware man at Zoar, another of Karen's cousins, and obtained the furnace and pipes on credit, I spozed.

I made all the preparations I could in case of disaster. Took up the carpets in that part of the house, took down the curtains and moved the furniture, used all the precautions I could to escape with life and limb if possible, and insure the safety of my dear but misguided pardner, and then I sot down in the parlor bedroom, the furthest I could git without goin' upstairs, and let the tide of events sweep by me or sweep me away, and I didn't know which it would be. I had to be downstairs anyway, for (though Philury helped), I had to stand with my hand on the hellum, so to speak, and see to everything. What made it worse, too, it come on the coldest snap we'd had all winter.

Well, one of the main arguments by Jabez and Josiah wuz the speed with which this work wuz to be accomplished. The hull thing wuz to be done and we settin' down fannin' ourselves inside of three days, but for over four weeks our house wuz a perfect pandemonium of noise and confusion.

Iron pipes lay round in every direction, screws and vises, nuts and hammers, wrenches and irons of all shapes and descriptions strewed the house from top to bottom, and ashes, dirt and dust wuz rampant, and Jabez rennin' up and down stairs, to and fro, talkin' loud about what a success he wuz makin' of it and how everything wuz workin' jest as he wanted it to, and boasted in particular every time he come acrost me, ashakin' with the cold, how perfectly still and noiseless it wuz goin' to be, and how luxurious and almost enervatin' would be the warmth. And I sez, rubbin' my cold hands and pullin' my heavy woolen shawl closter round me, "It would be a little different than it is now if it wuz still, or if it wuz warm." And agin I shivered in the frigid air and sez:

"You guaranteed we wouldn't be torn up here over three days, and it wuz four weeks yesterday."

"That is because I have took such extra precautions to have it perfectly noiseless. Never," sez he impressively, "from one year's end to the other will you ever hear a sound from that apparatus, not the least murmur or echo of a sound."

"Well, I hope not," sez I, "and I hope to gracious it will be finished some time, for I'm most freezin' and Josiah is takin' cold, as I can see."

"No I hain't nuther," sez Josiah, his voice soundin' real wheezy and husky out from under his heavy wool comforter.

Sez I, "You be cold, Josiah Allen, your nose is blue this minute."

"Well, what if it is! I always liked that color anyway, I'd ruther have it blue that red as madder," sez he glancin' at my most prominent feature.

Sez I, "It is the bitter cold that has turned our noses, Josiah Allen, and when is it goin' to end?"

"It is going to end to-morrow mornin', at seven A.M. we start the fire, and then," sez he proudly, "I will set down in perfect summer heat, calm and happy, and you, too." For I spoze my oncomplainin' misery appealed to his latent manhood; and it had been latent in him for some time. But he wuz driv most beyend his strength, and the cold wuz almost Klondikey, I could make allowance for him. Well, the next day passed, and the next and the next, and finally, jest four weeks and four days after he had guaranteed to have it finished, Jabez hautily announced, and Josiah proudly proclaimed, a fire could be started. Karen wanted to be with us in the first trial of the heat, so she appeared on the seen, so triumphant and overjoyed it fairly made her worn haggard face look considerable brighter.

Rosy had come to spend the day and stay all night, invited by Karen to witness her son's triumph. But I onbeknown to anybody, feelin' I needed a strong arm and cool brain to depend on, had beset Royal Nelson to come and stand by me that day and night, I didn't say Rosy wuz to be there for fear he wouldn't come, for I could see by his white cheeks and sad, yet cool lookin' eyes, that he'd about gin her up. He said to once that he would come, and his sad eyes kinder laughed as he added, "I will stand by you in your affliction."

Well, Jabez, with his face gay and joyous and his tongue waggin', weighted down with big, boastful words, headed the procession down suller; Josiah and Ury filled up the furnace and built the fire, Jabez seemin'ly willin' they should do the work, he's so lazy. Rosy, Karen and I remained upstairs, Philury and I tryin' to mop and sweep up some of the dirt, and before long I hearn a buggy drive up, and see it wuz Royal Nelson, and in a few minutes he come in lookin' solid and reliable as ever.

Well, the upper tank had been filled, and at the welcome news the fire wuz beginnin' to burn bright we all went upstairs watchin' to see the grateful heat come up, and some of our hands wuz on the pipes every minute, when a low hollow rumblin' wuz hearn down in the suller, growin' louder and louder every minute till it got to be perfectly terrific, and Jabez run down there, his coat tails almost layin' level in his haste, and Josiah most fallin' over him, and Royal follerin' on more tranquil lookin' but excited all through I could see.

Ury stayed by us a spell, but as the deep hollow noise strengthened to a loud roar, accompanied by a strange rushin', gurglin' sound, comin' nearer and nearer, he seized Philury by the arm and rushed her outdoors through the snow, not stoppin' till they got to the barn, then he leggo of her and stood in the barn door to reconnoiter. It wuz a awful and skairful seen. I couldn't blame Ury, but like Sara of old, I felt that I must stay by my stuff, and Rosy and Karen hung to each other, and both hung onto me, all on us tremblin' like three popple leaves.

Finally, jest as the three men come hurryin' back into the room to rescue or die with us I spoze, the boilin' water gin a louder, angrier roar, and riz up out of the tank three feet into the air and poured and steamed and deluged all over the floor. Well wuz it I took up the carpet. But Josiah Allen, to prove he feared no danger, had insisted on leavin' the dressin' gown he worshipped hangin' up in the clothes press where the tank wuz. Alas! alas! as he brung it out drippin' and steamin' from the fiery bath, where wuz the once gay colors? Them tossels and red palm leaves on yeller ground that had so lately been the light of his eyes and desire of his heart? Who could tell which wuz palm leaves and which wuz yeller ground? And as for the red tossels, their glory had departed forever. Josiah groaned aloud as he bore it out leavin' a watery wake of red and yeller all the way to the kitchen, where I follered him and told him, so strong is woman's love in the hour of trouble, "Dear Josiah, I am sorry for you, but I told you jest how it would be."

He dashed it onto the floor and hollered out, "You didn't tell me nothin' about it! you never said the word dressin' gown! and I'd like to know what you're sorry about, it is nothin', only a valve has bust or sunthin'."

"Yes," sez I sadly, "I guess it is a sunthin'." Here he kicked aginst the suller door so hard one of the panels has been shaky to this day, and run down there, Jabez follerin' him, while I seized a dipper and a twelve quart pail and hurried up to the flooded deestrick, which we commenced to bail out like a sinkin' boat, Royal, Karen and Rosy helpin' me, and Ury havin' his first fears squenched by the overflow of water (which he expected he said would blow off the hull ruff and top story of the house), he and Philury laid to and helped. _

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