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The Coming of Bill, a novel by P G Wodehouse

BOOK ONE - Chapter IX - The White Hope is Turned Down

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BOOK ONE: Chapter IX - The White Hope is Turned Down


William Bannister Winfield was the most wonderful child. Of course,
you had to have a certain amount of intelligence to see this. To the
vapid and irreflective observer he was not much to look at in the early
stages of his career, having a dough-like face almost entirely devoid
of nose, a lack-lustre eye, and the general appearance of a poached
egg. His immediate circle of intimates, however, thought him a model of
manly beauty; and there was the undeniable fact that he had come into
the world weighing nine pounds. Take him for all in all, a lad of
promise.

Kirk's sense of being in a dream continued. His identity seemed to have
undergone a change. The person he had known as Kirk Winfield had
disappeared, to be succeeded by a curious individual bubbling over with
an absurd pride for which it was not easy to find an outlet. Hitherto a
rather reserved man, he was conscious now of a desire to accost perfect
strangers in the street and inform them that he was not the ordinary
person they probably imagined, but a father with an intensely unusual
son at home, and if they did not believe him they could come right
along and see for themselves.

The only flaw in his happiness at the moment was the fact that his
circle of friends was so small. He had not missed the old brigade of
the studio before, but now the humblest of them would have been
welcome, provided he would have sat still and listened. Even Percy
Shanklyn would have been acceptable as an audience.

Steve, excellent fellow, was always glad to listen to him on his
favourite subject. He had many long talks with Steve on the question of
William's future. Steve, as the infant's godfather, which post he had
claimed and secured at an early date, had definite views on the matter.

Here, held Steve, was the chance of a lifetime. With proper training, a
baby of such obvious muscular promise might be made the greatest
fighter that ever stepped into the ring. He was the real White Hope. He
advised Kirk to direct William's education on the lines which would
insure his being, when the time was ripe, undisputed heavy-weight
champion of the world. To Steve life outside the ring was a poor
affair, practically barren of prizes for the ambitious.

Mrs. Lora Delane Porter, eyeing William's brow, of which there was
plenty, he being at this time extremely short of hair, predicted a less
robust and more intellectual future for him. Something more on the
lines of president of some great university or ambassador at some
important court struck her as his logical sphere.

Kirk's view was that he should combine both careers and be an
ambassador who took a few weeks off every now and then in order to
defend his champion's belt. In his spare time he might paint a picture
or two.

Ruth hesitated between the army, the navy, the bar, and business. But
every one was agreed that William was to be something special.

This remarkable child had a keen sense of humour. Thus he seldom began
to cry in his best vein till the small hours of the morning; and on
these occasions he would almost invariably begin again after he had
been officially pronounced to be asleep. His sudden grab at the hair of
any adult who happened to come within reach was very droll, too.

As to his other characteristics, he was of rather an imperious nature.
He liked to be waited on. He wanted what he wanted when he wanted it.
The greater part of his attention being occupied at this period with
the important duty of chewing his thumb, he assigned the drudgery of
life to his dependants. Their duties were to see that he got up in the
morning, dressed, and took his tub; and after that to hang around on
the chance of general orders.

Any idea Kirk may have had of resuming his work was abandoned during
these months. No model, young and breezy or white-haired and motherly,
passed the studio doors. Life was far too interesting for work. The
canvas which might have become "Carmen" or "A Reverie" or even "The
Toreador's Bride" lay unfinished and neglected in a corner.

It astonished Kirk to find how strong the paternal instinct was in him.
In the days when he had allowed his mind to dwell upon the abstract
wife he had sometimes gone a step further and conjured up the abstract
baby. The result had always been to fill him with a firm conviction
that the most persuasive of wild horses should not drag him from his
bachelor seclusion. He had had definite ideas on babies as a class. And
here he was with his world pivoting on one of them. It was curious.

The White Hope, as Steve called his godson--possibly with the idea of
influencing him by suggestion--grew. The ailments which attacked lesser
babies passed him by. He avoided croup, and even whooping-cough paid
him but a flying visit hardly worth mentioning. His first tooth gave
him a little trouble, but that is the sort of thing which may happen to
anyone; and the spirited way in which he protested against the
indignity of cutting it was proof of a high soul.

Such was the remarkableness of this child that it annoyed Kirk more and
more that he should be obliged to give the exhibition of his
extraordinary qualities to so small an audience. Ruth felt the same;
and it was for this reason that the first overtures were made to the
silent camp which contained her father and her brother Bailey.

Since that evening in the library there had come no sign from the house
on Fifth Avenue that its inmates were aware of her existence. Life had
been too full till now to make this a cause of trouble to her; but with
William Bannister becoming every day more amazing the desire came to
her to try and heal the breach. Her father had so ordered his life in
his relation to his children that Ruth's affection was not so deep as
it might have been; but, after all, he was William Bannister's
grandfather, and, as such, entitled to consideration.

It was these reflections that led to Steve's state visit to John
Bannister--probably the greatest fiasco on record.

Steve had been selected for the feat on the strength of his having the
right of entry to the Fifth Avenue house, for John Bannister was still
obeying his doctor's orders and taking his daily spell of exercise with
the pugilist--and Steve bungled it hopelessly.

His task was not a simple one. He was instructed to employ tact, to
hint rather than to speak, to say nothing to convey the impression that
Ruth in any way regretted the step she had taken, to give the idea that
it was a matter of complete indifference to her whether she ever saw
her father again or not, yet at the same time to make it quite clear
that she was very anxious to see him as soon as possible.

William Bannister, grown to maturity and upholding the interests of his
country as ambassador at some important court, might have jibbed at the
mission.

William Bannister was to accompany Steve and be produced dramatically
to support verbal arguments. It seemed to Ruth that for her father to
resist William when he saw him was an impossibility. William's position
was that of the ace of trumps in the cards which Steve was to play.

Steve made a few objections. His chief argument against taking up the
post assigned to him was that he was a roughneck, and that the job in
question was one which no roughneck, however gifted in the matter of
left hooks, could hope to carry through with real success. But he
yielded to pressure, and the expedition set out.

William Bannister at this time was at an age when he was beginning to
talk a little and walk a little and take a great interest in things.
His walking was a bit amateurish, and his speech rather hard to follow
unless you had the key to it. But nobody could have denied that his
walk, though staggery, was a genuine walk, and his speech, though
limited, genuine speech, within the meaning of the act.

He made no objections to the expedition. On being told that he was
going to see his grandpa he nodded curtly and said: "Gwa-wah," after
his custom. For, as a conversationalist, perhaps the best description
of him is to say that he tried hard. He rarely paused for a word. When
in difficulties he said something; he did not seek refuge in silence.
That the something was not always immediately intelligible was the
fault of his audience for not listening more carefully.

Perhaps the real mistake of the expedition was the nature of its
baggage. William Bannister had stood out for being allowed to take with
him his wheelbarrow, his box of bricks, and his particular favourite,
the dying pig, which you blew out and then allowed to collapse with a
pleasing noise. These properties had struck his parents as excessive,
but he was firm; and when he gave signs of being determined to fight it
out on these lines if it took all the summer, they gave in.

Steve had no difficulty in smuggling William into his grandfather's
house. He was a great favourite below stairs there. His great ally was
the English butler, Keggs.

Keggs was a stout, dignified, pigeon-toed old sinner, who cast off the
butler when not on duty and displayed himself as something of a
rounder. He was a man of many parts. It was his chief relaxation to
look in at Broadway hotels while some big fight was in progress out
West to watch the ticker and assure himself that the man he had backed
with a portion of the loot which he had accumulated in the form of tips
was doing justice to his judgment, for in private Keggs was essentially
the sport.

It was this that so endeared Steve to him. A few years ago Keggs had
won considerable sums by backing Steve, and the latter was always given
to understand that, as far as the lower regions of it were concerned,
the house on Fifth Avenue was open to him at all hours.

To-day he greeted Steve with enthusiasm and suggested a cigar in the
pantry before the latter should proceed to his work.

"He ain't ready for you yet, Mr. Dingle. He's lookin' over some papers
in--for goodness' sake, who's this?"

He had caught sight of William Bannister, who having wriggled free of
Steve, was being made much of by the maids.

"The kid," said Steve briefly.

"Not----"

Steve nodded.

"Sure. His grandson."

Keggs' solemnity increased.

"You aren't going to take him upstairs with you?"

"Surest thing you know. That's why I brought him."

"Don't you do it, Mr. Dingle. 'E's in an awful temper this morning--he
gets worse and worse--he'll fire you as soon as look at you."

"Can't be helped. I've got me instructions."

"You always were game," said Keggs admiringly. "I used to see that
quick enough before you retired from active work. Well, good luck to
you, Mr. Dingle."

Steve gathered up William Bannister, the wheelbarrow, the box of
bricks, and the dying pig and made his way to the gymnasium.

The worst of these pre-arranged scenes is that they never happen just
as one figured them in one's mind. Steve had expected to have to wait a
few minutes in the gymnasium, then there would be a step outside and
the old man would enter. The beauty of this, to Steve's mind, was that
he himself would be "discovered," as the stage term is; the onus of
entering and opening the conversation would be on Mr. Bannister. And,
as everybody who has ever had an awkward interview knows, this makes
all the difference.

But the minutes passed, and still no grandfather. The nervousness which
he had with difficulty expelled began to return to Steve. This was
exactly like having to wait in the ring while one's opponent tried to
get one's goat by dawdling in the dressing room.

An attempt to relieve himself by punching the ball was a dismal
failure. At the first bang of the leather against the wood William
Bannister, who had been working in a pre-occupied way at the dying pig,
threw his head back and howled, and would not be comforted till Steve
took out the rope and skipped before him, much as dancers used to dance
before oriental monarchs in the old days.

Steve was just saying to himself for the fiftieth time that he was a
fool to have come, when Keggs arrived with the news that Mr. Bannister
was too busy to take his usual exercise this morning and that Steve was
at liberty to go.

It speaks well for Steve's character that he did not go. He would have
given much to retire, for the old man was one of the few people who
inspired in him anything resembling fear. But he could not return
tamely to the studio with his mission unaccomplished.

"Say, ask him if he can see me for a minute. Say it is important."

Keggs' eye rested on William Bannister, and he shook his head.

"I shouldn't, Mr. Dingle. Really I shouldn't. You don't know what an
ugly mood he's in. Something's been worrying him. It's what you might
call courting disaster."

"Gee! Do you think I _want_ to do it? I've just got to. That's all
there is to it."

A few moments later Keggs returned with the news that Mr. Bannister
would see Dingle in the library.

"Come along, kid," said Steve. "Gimme hold of the excess baggage, and
let's get a move on."

So in the end it was Mr. Bannister who was discovered and Steve who
made the entrance. And, as Steve pointed out to Kirk later, it just
made all the difference.

The effect of the change on Steve was to make him almost rollicking in
his manner, as if he and Mr. Bannister were the nucleus of an Old Home
Week celebration or two old college chums meeting after long absence.
Nervousness, on the rare occasions when he suffered from it, generally
had that effect on him.

He breezed into the library, carrying the wheelbarrow, the box of
bricks, and the dying pig, and trailing William in his wake. William's
grandfather was seated with his back to the door, dictating a letter to
one of his secretaries.

He looked up as Steve entered. He took in Steve and William in a rapid
glance and guessed the latter's identity in an instant. He had expected
something of this sort ever since he had heard of his grandson's birth.
Indeed, he had been somewhat surprised that the visit had not occurred
before.

He betrayed no surprise.

"One moment, Dingle," he said, and turned to the secretary again. A
faint sneer came and went on his face.

The delay completed Steve's discomfiture. He placed the wheel harrow on
the floor, the box of bricks on the wheelbarrow, and the dying pig on
the box of bricks, whence it was instantly removed and inflated by
William.

"'Referring to your letter of the eighth--'" said Mr. Bannister in his
cold, level voice.

He was interrupted by the incisive cry of the dying pig.

"Ask your son to be quiet, Dingle," he said impassively.

Steve was staggered.

"Say, this ain't my son, squire," he began breezily.

"Your nephew, then, or whatever relation he happens to be to you."

He resumed his dictation. Steve wiped his forehead and looked
helplessly at the White Hope, who, having discarded the dying pig, was
now busy with the box of bricks.

Steve wished he had not come. He was accustomed to the primitive
exhibition of emotions, having moved in circles where the wrathful
expressed their wrath in a normal manner.

Anger which found its expression in an exaggerated politeness was out
of his line and made him uncomfortable.

After what seemed to him a century, John Bannister dismissed the
secretary. Even then, however, he did not come immediately to Steve. He
remained for a few moments writing, with his back turned. Then, just
when Steve had given up hope of ever securing his attention, he turned
suddenly.

"Well?"

"Say, it's this way, colonel," Steve had begun, when a triumphant cry
from the direction of the open window stopped him. The White Hope was
kneeling on a chair, looking down into the street.

"Bix," he explained over his shoulder.

"Kindly ring the bell, Dingle," said Mr. Bannister, unmoved. "Your
little nephew appears to have dropped his bricks into Fifth Avenue."

In answer to the summons Keggs appeared. He looked anxious.

"Keggs,"
said Mr. Bannister, "tell one of the footmen to go out into the avenue
and pick up some wooden bricks which he will find there. Dingle's
little brother has let some fall."

As Keggs left the room Steve's pent-up nervousness exploded in a whirl
of words.

"Aw say, boss, quit yer kiddin'. You know this kid ain't anything to do
with me. Why, say, how would he be any relation of a roughneck like me?
Come off the roof, bo. You know well enough who he is. He's your
grandson. On the level."

Mr. Bannister looked at William, now engaged in running the wheelbarrow
up and down the room, emitting the while a curious sound, possibly to
encourage an imaginary horse. The inspection did not seem to excite him
or afford him any pleasure.

"Oh!" he said.

Steve was damped, but resumed gamely:

"Say, boss, this is the greatest kid on earth. I'm not stringing you,
honest. He's a wonder. On the level, did you ever see a kid that age
with a pair of shoulders on him like what this kid's got? Say, squire,
what's the matter with calling the fight off and starting fair? Miss
Ruth would be tickled to death if you would. Can the rough stuff,
colonel. I know you think you've been given a raw deal, Kirk chipping
in like that and copping off Miss Ruth, but for the love of Mike, what
does it matter? You seen for yourself what a dandy kid this is. Well,
then, check your grouch with your hat. Do the square thing. Have out
the auto and come right round to the studio and make it up. What's
wrong with that, colonel? Honest, they'd be tickled clean through."

At this point Keggs entered, followed by a footman carrying wooden
bricks.

"Keggs," said Mr. Bannister, "telephone for the automobile at once--"

"That's the talk, colonel," cried Steve joyfully. "I know you were a
sport."

"----to take me down to Wall Street."

Keggs bowed.

"Oh Keggs," said Mr. Bannister, as he turned to leave.

"Sir?"

"Another thing. See that Dingle does not enter the house again."

And Mr. Bannister resumed his writing, while Steve, gathering up the
wheelbarrow, the box of bricks, and the dying pig, took William by the
hand and retreated.

* * * * *

That terminated Ruth's attempts to conciliate her father.

There remained Bailey. From Bailey she was prepared to stand no
nonsense. Meeting him on the street, she fairly kidnapped him, driving
him into a taxicab and pushing him into the studio, where he was
confronted by his nephew.

Bailey came poorly through the ordeal. William Bannister, a stern
critic, weighed him up in one long stare, found him wanting, and
announced his decision with all the strength of powerful lungs. In the
end he had to be removed, hiccupping, and Bailey, after lingering a few
uneasy moments making conversation to Kirk, departed, with such a look
about the back of him as he sprang into his cab that Ruth felt that the
visit was one which would not be repeated.

She went back into the studio with a rather heavy heart. She was fond
of Bailey.

The sight of Kirk restored her. After all, what had happened was only
what she had expected. She had chosen her path, and she did not regret
it.

Content of BOOK ONE: Chapter IX - The White Hope is Turned Down [P G Wodehouse's novel: The Coming of Bill]

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Read next: BOOK ONE: Chapter X - An Interlude of Peace

Read previous: BOOK ONE: Chapter VIII - Suspense

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