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The History of Martin
Giving an account of his departure from Jack, and their setting up
for themselves, on which account they were obliged to travel, and
meet many disasters; finding no shelter near Peter's habitation,
Martin succeeds in the North; Peter thunders against Martin for the
loss of the large revenue he used to receive from thence; Harry Huff
sent Marlin a challenge in fight, which he received; Peter rewards
Harry for the pretended victory, which encouraged Harry to huff
Peter also; with many other extraordinary adventures of the said
Martin in several places with many considerable persons.
With a digression concerning the nature, usefulness, and necessity
of wars and quarrels.
How Jack and Martin, being parted, set up each for himself. How
they travelled over hills and dales, met many disasters, suffered
much from the good cause, and struggled with difficulties and wants,
not having where to lay their head; by all which they afterwards
proved themselves to be right father's sons, and Peter to be
spurious. Finding no shelter near Peter's habitation, Martin
travelled northwards, and finding the Thuringians, a neighbouring
people, disposed to change, he set up his stage first among them,
where, making it his business to cry down Peter's powders, plasters,
salves, and drugs, which he had sold a long time at a dear rate,
allowing Martin none of the profit, though he had been often
employed in recommending and putting them off, the good people,
willing to save their pence, began to hearken to Martin's speeches.
How several great lords took the hint, and on the same account
declared for Martin; particularly one who, not having had enough of
one wife, wanted to marry a second, and knowing Peter used not to
grant such licenses but at a swingeing price, he struck up a bargain
with Martin, whom he found more tractable, and who assured him he
had the same power to allow such things. How most of the other
Northern lords, for their own private ends, withdrew themselves and
their dependants from Peter's authority, and closed in with Martin.
How Peter, enraged at the loss of such large territories, and
consequently of so much revenue, thundered against Martin, and sent
out the strongest and most terrible of his bulls to devour him; but
this having no effect, and Martin defending himself boldly and
dexterously, Peter at last put forth proclamations declaring Martin
and all his adherents rebels and traitors, ordaining and requiring
all his loving subjects to take up arms, and to kill, burn, and
destroy all and every one of them, promising large rewards, &c.,
upon which ensued bloody wars and desolation.
How Harry Huff {160a}, lord of Albion, one of the greatest bullies
of those days, sent a cartel to Martin to fight him on a stage at
Cudgels, quarter-staff, backsword, &c. Hence the origin of that
genteel custom of prize-fighting so well known and practised to this
day among those polite islanders, though unknown everywhere else.
How Martin, being a bold, blustering fellow, accepted the challenge;
how they met and fought, to the great diversion of the spectators;
and, after giving one another broken heads and many bloody wounds
and bruises, how they both drew off victorious, in which their
example has been frequently imitated by great clerks and others
since that time. How Martin's friends applauded his victory, and
how Lord Harry's friends complimented him on the same score, and
particularly Lord Peter, who sent him a fine feather for his cap
{160b}, to be worn by him and his successors as a perpetual mark for
his bold defence of Lord Peter's cause. How Harry, flushed with his
pretended victory over Martin, began to huff Peter also, and at last
downright quarrelled with him about a wench. How some of Lord
Harry's tenants, ever fond of changes, began to talk kindly of
Martin, for which he mauled them soundly, as he did also those that
adhered to Peter. How he turned some out of house and hold, others
he hanged or burnt, &c.
How Harry Huff, after a deal of blustering, wenching, and bullying,
died, and was succeeded by a good-natured boy {161a}, who, giving
way to the general bent of his tenants, allowed Martin's notions to
spread everywhere, and take deep root in Ambition. How, after his
death, the farm fell into the hands of a lady {161b}, who was
violently in love with Lord Peter. How she purged the whole country
with fire and sword, resolved not to leave the name or remembrance
of Martin. How Peter triumphed, and set up shops again for selling
his own powders, plasters, and salves, which were now declared the
only true ones, Martin's being all declared counterfeit. How great
numbers of Martin's friends left the country, and, travelling up and
down in foreign parts, grew acquainted with many of Jack's
followers, and took a liking to many of their notions and ways,
which they afterwards brought back into ambition, now under another
landlady {161c}, more moderate and more cunning than the former.
How she endeavoured to keep friendship both with Peter and Martin,
and trimmed for some time between the two, not without countenancing
and assisting at the same time many of Jack's followers; but
finding, no possibility of reconciling all the three brothers,
because each would be master, and allow no other salves, powders, or
plasters to be used but his own, she discarded all three, and set up
a shop for those of her own farm, well furnished with powders,
plasters, salves, and all other drugs necessary, all right and true,
composed according to receipts made by physicians and apothecaries
of her own creating, which they extracted out of Peter's, and
Martin's, and Jack's receipt-books, and of this medley or hodge-
podge made up a dispensatory of their own, strictly forbidding any
other to be used, and particularly Peter's, from which the greatest
part of this new dispensatory was stolen. How the lady, farther to
confirm this change, wisely imitating her father, degraded Peter
from the rank he pretended as eldest brother, and set up herself in
his place as head of the family, and ever after wore her father's
old cap with the fine feather he had got from Peter for standing his
friend, which has likewise been worn with no small ostentation to
this day by all her successors, though declared enemies to Peter.
How Lady Bess and her physicians, being told of many defects and
imperfections in their new medley dispensatory, resolve on a further
alteration, to purge it from a great deal of Peter's trash that
still remained in it, but were prevented by her death. How she was
succeeded by a North-Country farmer {162a}, who pretended great
skill in the managing of farms, though he could never govern his own
poor little farm, nor yet this large new one after he got it. How
this new landlord, to show his valour and dexterity, fought against
enchanters, weeds, giants, and windmills, and claimed great honour
for his victories. How his successor, no wiser than he, occasioned
great disorders by the new methods he took to manage his farms. How
he attempted to establish in his Northern farm the same dispensatory
{162b} used in the Southern, but miscarried, because Jack's powders,
pills, salves, and plasters were there in great vogue.
How the author finds himself embarrassed for having introduced into
his history a new sect different from the three he had undertaken to
treat of; and how his inviolable respect to the sacred number three
obliges him to reduce these four, as he intends to do all other
things, to that number; and for that end to drop the former Martin
and to substitute in his place Lady Bess's institution, which is to
pass under the name of Martin in the sequel of this true history.
This weighty point being cleared, the author goes on and describes
mighty quarrels and squabbles between Jack and Martin; how sometimes
the one had the better and sometimes the other, to the great
desolation of both farms, till at last both sides concur to hang up
the landlord {162c}, who pretended to die a martyr for Martin,
though he had been true to neither side, and was suspected by many
to have a great affection for Peter.
Content of The History of Martin [Jonathan Swift's ebook: A Tale of a Tub]
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