Chapter 10

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_ CHAPTER X

"Are you quite warm there, Agatha?"

"Yes, thank you, quite warm," she said, turning round a little, and then turning back. She sat working, or seeming to work, at a large bay window that fronted the sea at Brighton. Already there had come over her the slight but unmistakable change which indicates the wife--the girl no longer. She had been married just one week.

Her husband sat at a table writing, as was his habit during the middle of the day, in order that they might walk out in the evening. He had often been thus busy during the week, even though it was the first week of the honeymoon.

The honeymoon! How different the word now sounded to Agatha! Yet she had nothing to complain of. Mr. Harper was very kind; watchful and tender over her to a degree which she felt even more than she saw. In the mornings he read to her, or talked, chiefly upon subjects higher and withal pleasanter than Agatha had ever heard talked of before; in the evenings they drove out or walked, till far into the starry summer night. They were together constantly, there never passed between them a quick or harsh word, and yet--

Agatha vainly tried to solve the dim, cloudy "yet" which had no tangible form, and only arose now that the first bewilderment of her changed existence was settling into reality, and she was beginning to recognise herself as Agatha Harper, no longer a girl, but a married woman. The sole conclusion she could come to was, that she must be now learning what she supposed every one had to learn--that a honeymoon is not quite the dream of bliss which young people believe in, and that few married couples are quite happy during the first year of their union.

And Mrs. Harper (or Mrs. Locke Harper, as her husband had had printed on the cards, omitting the name which she had once stigmatised as "ugly,") was probably not altogether wide of the truth, though in this case she judged from mistaken because individual evidence. It is next to impossible that two lives, unless assimilated by strong attachment and rare outward circumstances, if suddenly thrown together, should at once mingle and flow harmoniously on. It takes time, and the influence of perfect love, to melt and fuse the two currents into one beautiful whole. Perhaps, did all young lovers believe and prepare for this, there would be fewer disappointed and unhappy marriages.

Though sitting at the open window, with the sharp sea-breeze blowing in upon her--it happened to be a sunless and gloomy day--Agatha had answered that she was "quite warm." Nevertheless her heart felt cold. Not positively sad, yet void. A great deal of passionate devotion is necessary to make two active human beings content with one another's sole company for eight entire days, having nothing to occupy them but each other.

Wanting this--yet scarcely conscious of her need--the young wife sat, in her secret soul all shivering and a-cold. At last, wearied with the long grey sweep of undulating sea, she closed the window.

"I thought the breeze would be too keen for you," said Mr. Harper, whom her lightest movement always seemed to attract.

"Oh no; but I am tired of watching the waves. How melancholy it must be to live here. I have a perfect terror of the sea."

"Had I known that, I would not have proposed our coming to-day from Leamington to Brighton. But we can leave to-morrow."

"I did not mean that," she answered quickly, dreading lest her husband might have thought her speech ungracious or unkind. "We need not go--unless you wish it."

The bridegroom made no immediate reply: but there was a melancholy tenderness in his eyes, as, without her knowing it, he sat watching his young wife. At length he rose, and putting her arm in his, stood a long time with her at the window.

"I think, dear Agatha, that you are right. The sea is always sad. How dreary it looks now--like a wide-stretched monotonous life whose ending we see not, yet it must be crossed. How shall we cross it?"

Agatha looked inquiringly.

"The sea I mean," he continued, with a sudden change of tone. "Shall we go over to France for a week or two?"

"Oh no"--and she shuddered. "It would kill me to cross the water."

He looked surprised at her unaccountable repugnance, which she had scarcely expressed than she seemed overpowered by confusion. Her husband forbore to question her further; but the next day told her that he had arranged for their quitting Brighton and making a tour through the west of England, proceeding from thence to London.

"Where--as my brother, or rather my brother's solicitor, writes me word--some business about your fortune will require our return in another fortnight. Are you willing, Agatha?"

"Oh yes--quite willing," she cried; for now that her changed life was floating her far away from her old ties, she began to have a yearning for them all.

So the honeymoon dwindled to three weeks, at the close of which Mr. and Mrs. Locke Harper were again in London.

It seemed very strange to Agatha to come back to the known places, and roll over the old familiar London stones, and see all things going on as usual; while in herself had come so wide a gap of existence, as if those one-and-twenty days of absence had been one-and-twenty years.

She had become a little more happy lately; a little more used to her new life. And day by day something undefinable began to draw her towards her husband. It was in fact the dawning spirit of love, which should and might have come before marriage, instead of being, as now, an after-growth. Beneath its influence Nathanael's very likeness altered; his face grew more beautiful, his voice softer. Looking at him now, as he sat by her side, Mr. Harper hardly appeared to her the same man who, returning from the church as her bridegroom, had impressed her with such shrinking awe.

He too was more cheerful. All the long railway journey he had tried to amuse her; the humorous half of his disposition--for Nathanael had, like most good men, a spice of humour about him--coming out as it had never done before. However, as they neared London, he as well as his wife had become rather grave. But when, abruptly turning round, he perceived her earnestly, even tenderly regarding him (at which Agatha was foolish enough to blush, as if it were a crime to be looking admiringly at one's husband), he melted into a smile.

"Here we are in the old quarters, Agatha. The question is, Where shall we go to, since we have no lodgings taken?"

"You should have let me write to Emma, as I wished."

"No," he said, shortly; "it was a pity to trouble her."

"She would not have thought it so, poor dear Emma."

"Were you very intimate with Mrs. Thornycroft? Did you tell her everything in your heart, as women do?"

Agatha was amused by the jealous searching tone and look, so replied carelessly: "Oh yes, all I had to tell, which was not much. I don't deal in mysteries, nor like them. But the chief mystery now seems to be, where are we to go? If Emma may not be troubled, surely Mrs. Ianson, or your brother"--

"My brother is out of town."

"Indeed!" And Agatha looked as she felt, neither glad nor sorry, but purely indifferent. Her husband, observing it, became more cheerful.

"Nay, my dear Agatha, you shall not be inconvenienced. We will go first to some quiet lodgings I know of, where Anne Valery always stays when she is in London--though she has returned home now, I think. And afterwards, if you find the evening very dull"--

"Ah!" exclaimed the young wife, smiling a beautiful negative.

"We will go and take a sentimental walk through those very squares we strolled through that night--do you remember?"

"Yes!"

How strange seemed that recollection!--how little she had then thought she was walking with her future husband!

Yet, when a few hours after she trod the well-known streets, with her wifely feelings, sweet and grave, and thought that the arm on which she now leaned was her own through life, Agatha Harper was not unhappy, nor would she for one moment have wished to be again Agatha Bowen.

The next day, by the husband's express desire--the declaring of which was a great act of self-denial on his part--word was sent to the Thornycrofts of the arrival of Mr. and Mrs. Locke Harper.

Very trembling, shy, and bewitching the bride sat, waiting for the meeting; and when Emma did really come, very tragico-comic, half pleasure, half tears, was the hearty embrace between the two women. Mr. Harper stood and looked on--he played the young husband as composedly as he had done the lover and the bridegroom, except for a slight jealous movement as he saw the clinging, the kisses, the tears, which, with the warmth of a heart thrilled by new emotions and budding out into all manner of new tendernesses, Agatha lavished on her friend.

Yet, whatever he felt, no one could observe but that Nathanael was extremely polite and kind to Mrs. Thorny-croft. She on her part admired him extremely--in whispers.

"How well he looks! Really quite changed! No one would ever think of calling him a 'boy' now. You must be quite proud of your husband, my dear."

Agatha smiled, and a light thrill at her heart betrayed its answer. Very soon she ceased to be shy and shame-faced, and sat talking quite at ease, as if she had been Mrs. Locke Harper for at least a year.

Emma Thornycroft was a person not likely to waste much time on the sentimentalities of such a meeting; she soon dashed into the common-sense question of what were their plans in London? and when they would come and dine with herself and "James" "Quite friendly. We will ask no one, except of course Major Harper."

"He is out of town," said Nathanael.

"What a pity--Yet, no wonder; London is so terribly hot now. Is he quite well?"

"I believe so," Agatha answered for her husband, who had moved off.

"Because James has met him frequently of late, rushing about the City as pale as a ghost, and looking so miserable. We were afraid something was wrong with him."

"Oh, I hope not," exclaimed Agatha, eagerly.

"My brother is quite well," Mr. Harper again observed, from his outpost by the window; and something in his tone unconsciously checked and changed the conversation.

Whether by Agatha's real inclination, or by some unnoticed influence of Nathanael's, who, gentle as his manners were, through a score of other opposing wills seemed always silently to attain his own, Mrs. Thornycroft's hospitable schemes were overruled. At least, the _venue_ was changed from Regent's Park to the Harpers' own temporary home--where, as if by magic, a multitude of small luxuries had already gathered round the young wife. She took all quite naturally, never pausing to think how they came.

It was with a trepidation which had yet its pleasure, that she arrayed herself for this, the first time of her taking her place at the head of her husband's table. She put on a high white gown, which Mr. Harper had once said he liked--she was beginning to be anxious over her dress and appearance now. Glancing into the mirror, there recurred to her mind a speech she had once heard from some foolish matron--"Oh, it does not signify what I wear, or how I look--I'm married!" Agatha thought what a very wrong doctrine that was! and laughed at herself for never having much cared to seem pleasing until she had some one to please. Nay, now for the first time she grumbled at the Pawnee-face, wishing it had been fairer!

But fair or not, when it came timidly and shone over Nathanael's shoulder, he sitting leaning thoughtfully on his hand, the result was such as materially to relieve any womanly doubts about her personal appearance. He kissed her in unwonted smiling tenderness.

"I like that dress; and your curls--softly touching them--your curls fall so prettily. How well you look, Agatha! Happy, too! Is it really so? Are you getting more used to me and my faults, dear?" There was something inexpressibly tender in the way he said "Dear," the only caressing word he ever used.

"Your faults?" re-echoed she in a merry incredulous tone. But before she could say more, the guests most inopportunely arrived. And Agatha, very naturally, darted from her husband to the other side of the room like a flash of lightning.

If the Thornycrofts had expected to find a couple of turtle-doves cooing in a cage, they were certainly disappointed. Mr. and Mrs. Locke Harper had apparently settled down into an ordinary husband and wife, resuming serenely their place in society, and behaving towards each other, and the world in general, just like sensible old married people. Their friends, taking the hint, treated them in like manner; and thus, now and for ever, vanished Agatha's honeymoon.

After dinner, Emma, anxious about Agatha's proceedings, and still more anxious to have a hand in the same, for she was never happy unless busy about her own or other people's affairs, made inquiries as to the future plans of the young couple.

Agatha could give no answer, for, to her great thankfulness, her husband had hitherto avoided the subject. She looked at him for a reply.

"I think, Mrs. Thornycroft, it will probably be three months before I"--he smilingly corrected himself, and said "_we_ return to Canada."

"Then what do you intend to do meanwhile? Of course, Agatha dear, you will remain in London?"

"Oh yes," she replied, accustomed to decide for herself, and forgetting at the moment that there was now another to whose decision she was bound to defer. Blushing, she looked towards her husband, who was talking to Mr. Thornycroft. He turned, as indeed he always did when he heard her speaking; but he made no remark, and the "Yes" passed as their mutual assent to Emma's question.

"I know a place that would just suit you," pursued the latter; "that is, if you take a furnished house."

"I should like it much."

"It is but a cottage--rather small, considering your means; by-the-by, Agatha, how close our friend the Major kept all your affairs. No one imagined you were so rich."

"Neither did I, most certainly. But--the cottage."

"The prettiest little place imaginable. Such a love of a drawing-room! I went there to call on young Northen's sister when she married, last year. Poor thing--sad affair that, my dear."

"Indeed," said Agatha, who now felt an interest in all stories of marriages.

"It happened a fortnight ago, soon after your wedding. They quarrelled--she got through a window, and ran away home to her father. It seems she had never cared a straw for her husband, but had married him out of spite, liking some one else better all the time. His own brother, too, they say."

"What a wicked--wicked thing!" cried Agatha warmly. So warmly, that she did not see, close by her chair, her husband--watching her intently, nay wildly. As she ceased, he rose from his stooping attitude. His countenance became wonderfully beautiful, altogether glowing.

"Really you seem to have comprehended the matter at once," said Mr. Thornycroft, startled in the winding-up of a long harangue about the Corn Laws by the exceedingly bright look which his hearer turned towards him.

"Yes, I think I shall soon comprehend everything," was the answer, as Mr. Harper placed himself on the arm of his wife's chair in the gay attitude of a very boy. She, moving a little, made room for him and smiled. Nay, she even leant silently against his arm, which he had thrown round the back of her chair.

"Come, Agatha, I want to hear about that wonderful house which your friend is persuading you to take. You know, I happen to have a little concern in the matter likewise. Have I not, Mr. Thornycroft?"

"Certainly; since you have turned out to be that no less wonderful personage which my wife has been perpetually boring me about for the last two years--Agatha's Husband," said Mr. Thornycroft, patiently resigning the Corn Laws to their inevitable doom--oblivion.

But Emma, plunging gladly into her native element, discussed the whole house from attic to kitchen. Mr. Harper listened with a complaisant and amused look. Beginning to discern the sterling good there was in the little woman, he passed over her harmless small-mindedness; knowing well that in the wide-built mansion of human nature there must be always a certain order of beings honourable, useful, and excellent in themselves, to form the basement-story.

The twilight darkened while Emma talked, the faster perhaps that her "James," whose respected presence always restrained her tongue, was discovered to be undeniably asleep. But the young couple were excellent listeners. Nathanael still sat balancing himself on the arm of his wife's chair; his hand having dropped playfully among her curls. He joined with gaiety in all the discussions. More than once, in talking of the various arrangements of their new household, his voice faltered, and the hearts of the husband and wife seemed trembling towards one another.

The conversation ended in Emma's receiving _carte-blanche_ to take the house, if practicable, that the Harpers might settle there for three months certain.

"Come, this is better than I expected," cried the worthy little woman. "We shall be neighbours, and I can teach Agatha house-keeping. She will have a nice little _menage_, and can give a proper 'At Home' and charming wedding parties. Shall she not, Mr. Harper?"

"If she wishes."

But Agatha's whispered "No," and kind pressure of the hand, brought to him a most blissful conviction that she did _not_ wish, and that she would be, as she said, "happier living quietly at home." _Home_! what a word of promise that sounded in both their ears!

When the lights came, Mr. Thornycroft woke up; with many apologies, poor man; only, as his wife said, "Everybody knew how hard James worked, and how tired he was at night." The two gentlemen fraternised once more. They began one of those general arguments on the history of the times, which when spoken, are intensely interesting, and being written as intensely prosy. The ladies listened in a most wife-like and pleased submission.

"How well my husband talks--doesn't he?" whispered Emma, with sparkling eyes.

Agatha agreed, and indeed Mr. Thornycroft's strong sense and acute judgment were patent to every one. But when Mr. Harper spoke, his clear views on every point, his trenchant but pleasant wit, by which he rounded off the angularities of argument, and above all his keen, far-seeing intellect, which dived into wondrous depths of knowledge, and invariably brought something precious to light--these things were to the young wife a positive revelation.

She sat attentive, beginning to learn, what strange to say was no pain--her own ignorance, and her husband's superior wisdom. She had never before felt at once so humble and so proud.

When the Thornycrofts departed, and Mr. Harper returned up-stairs from bidding them good-bye, he found his wife in a thoughtful mood.

"Well, dear, have you had a pleasant evening? Are you content with our plans?"

"Yes--indeed, more so than I deserve. Oh, how good you are!" she whispered; and her shortcomings towards him grew into a great burden of regret.

"Hush!" he answered, smiling; "we will not begin discussing one another's goodness, or you know the subject would be interminable. And I would like us to hold a little serious consultation before to-morrow. You are not sleepy?"

"No."

"Stretch yourself out on the sofa, and let me sit beside you. There--are you quite comfortable?"

"Ah, yes," she said, and thought for the hundredth time how sweet it was to have some one to take care of her.

"Now, my wife, listen! You seemed to long for that cottage very much, and you shall have it. Nay, you ought, because at present you are the rich lady; while I, so long as I remain in England, receive none of my salary from Montreal, and am, comparatively speaking, poor. In fact, nothing but that very secondary character, Agatha's Husband.'"

Though he laughed, there was a little jarring tone in this confession; but Agatha was too simple to notice it. He continued quickly,

"Nevertheless, this question is only temporary; I shall be quite your equal in Canada."

"In Canada!" she echoed dolefully. "Oh, surely--surely we need not go?"

"Are you in earnest, Agatha?"

"I am indeed," said she, gathering up courage to speak to him of what ever since her marriage had been growing an inexpressible dread.

"Why so?"

"I--I am afraid to tell."

"Shall I tell you? You cannot bear to leave your old friends? You fear to go into a new country, entirely among strangers, with only your husband?"

His suddenly suspicious tone stopped the frank denial that was bursting to his wife's lips. She only said a little hurt, "If that were true, I would have told you. I always speak exactly what I think."

"Is it so? is it indeed so?" he cried, with a lightening of countenance as sudden as its shade. "Oh, Agatha, forgive me," and his heart seemed melting before her. "I am not good to you--but you do not quite understand me yet."

"I feel that. Yet what can I do?"

"Nothing! Only wait I will try to cure myself without paining you. But, for the sake of our whole life's happiness, henceforward always be open with me, Agatha! Don't hide from me anything! Set your frank goodness against my wicked suspiciousness, and make me ashamed of myself, as now."

He had not spoken so freely or with so much emotion since they were married; and his wife was deeply touched. She made no answer, but half raising herself, crept to his arms, almost as if she loved him. So she truly did, in a measure, though not with the spontaneous, self-existent love, which, once lit in a woman's breast, is like the central fire hidden in the earth's bosom, enduring through all surface variations--through summer and winter, earthquakes, floods, and storms--utterly unchangeable and indestructible. And, however wildly extravagant this simile may sound--however rare the fact it illustrates, nevertheless such Love is a great truth, possible and probable, which has existed and may exist--thank God for it!--to prove that He did not found the poetry of all humanity upon a beautiful deceit.

Something of this mystery was beginning to stir in the wife's heart; the girl-wife, married before her character was half formed--before the perfecting of real love, which, taking, as all feelings must, the impress of individual nature, was in her of slow development.

As Agatha lay, her head hidden on her husband's shoulder, guessing out of her own heart something of what was passing in his, there came to her the first longing after that oneness of spirit, without which marriage is but a false or base union, legal and sanctified before men, but, oh! how unholy in the sight of God!

The young wife felt as if now, and not until now, she could unfold to her husband all the secrets of her heart, all its foolishness, ignorance, and fears.

"If you will listen to me, and not despise me very much, I will tell you something that I have never told to any one until now."

She could not imagine why, but at this soft whisper he trembled; however, he bade her go on.

"You wonder why it is I am so terrified at leaving England? It is not for any of the reasons you said, but for one so foolish that I am half ashamed to confess it. I dare not cross the sea."

"Is that all?" Mr. Harper cried, and the unutterable dread which had actually blanched his cheek disappeared instantaneously. He felt himself another man.

"Wait, and I'll tell you why this is," continued Agatha. "When I was a little child, somewhere about four years old, I was at some seaport town--I don't know where nor ever did, for there was no one with me but my nurse, and she died soon after. One day, I remember being in a little boat going to see a large ship. There were other people with us, especially one lady. Somehow, playing with her, I fell overboard." Here Agatha shuddered involuntarily. "It may be very ridiculous, but even now, when I am ill or restless in mind, I constantly dream over again that horrible drowning."

Her husband drew her closer to him, murmuring, "Poor child!"

"Ah, I was indeed a poor child! When, after being brought to life again--for I fancy I must have been nearly dead--my nurse forbade me ever to speak of what had happened, no one can tell into what a terror it grew. I never shall overcome it, never! The very sight of the sea is more than I can bear. To cross it---to be on it"--

"Hush, dear, quiet yourself," said her husband, soothingly. "Now, tell me all you can remember about this."

"Scarcely anything more, except that when I came to myself I was lying on the beach, with the stranger lady by me."

"Who was she?"

"I have not the slightest idea. Being so young, I recollect little about her--in fact, only one thing: that just as she was leaving me to go on in the little boat, my nurse called out, 'The ship is gone!' and the lady fell flat down--dead, as I thought then. They carried me away, and I never saw or heard of her again."

"How strange!"

"But," continued Agatha, gathering courage as she found her husband did not smile at this story, and beginning to speak with him more freely than she had ever done with any person in her life, "but you have no idea what a vivid impression the circumstance left on my mind. For years I made of this lady--to whom I feel sure I owed in some way or other the saving of my life--a sort of guardian angel I believe I even prayed to her--such a queer, foolish child I was--oh, so foolish!"

"Very likely, dear; we all are," said Mr. Harper, gaily. "And you are quite sure you never saw your angel?"

"No, nor any one like her. The person most like, and yet very unlike, too, in some things, was--don't laugh, please--was Miss Valery. That, I fancy, was the reason why I liked her so from the first, and was ready to do anything she bade me."

"Then when you consented to be married it was not for love of me but of Anne Valery?" And beneath Nathanael's smile lingered a little sad earnest.

His wife did not answer--even yet she was too shy to say the words, "I love you." But she took his hand, and reverently kissed it, whispering,

"I am quite content. I would not have things otherwise than they are. And all I mean by telling such a long foolish story is this--teach me how to conquer myself and my fears, and I will go with you anywhere--even across the sea."

"My own dear wife!" His voice was quite broken; so sudden, so unexpected was this declaration from her, and by the tremblings which shook her all the while he saw how great her struggle had been.

For many minutes, holding her little head on his arm, the young husband sat silent, buried in deep thought; Agatha never saw the changes, bitter, fierce, sorrowful, that by turns swept over the face under which her own lay so calmly, with sweet shut eyes. Strange difference between the woman and the man!

"Agatha," he said at last, "I have quite decided."

"Decided what?"

"That I will give up my office at Montreal, and we will live in England."

She was so astonished that at first she could not speak; then she burst into joyful tears, and hung about him, murmuring unutterable thanks. For the moment he felt as if this reward made his sacrifice nothing, and yet it had cost him almost everything that his manly pride held dear.

"Then you will not go? You will never cross the terrible Atlantic again?"

"I do not promise that: for I must go, soon or late, if only to persuade Uncle Brian to return with me to England.--Uncle Brian! what will he say when he learns that I have given up my independence, and am living pensioner on a rich wife?"

Agatha looked surprised.

"But," continued he, trying to make a jest of the matter, "though I do renounce my income in the New World, I am not going to live an idler on your little ladyship's bounty. I intend to work hard at anything that I can find to do. And it will be strange if, in this wide, busy England, I cannot turn to some honourable profession. If not, I'd rather go into the fields and chop wood with this right hand"--

And suddenly dashing it down on the table, he startled Agatha very much; so much that she again clung to him, and innocently begged him not to be angry with her.

Then, once more, Nathanael took his wife in his arms, and became calm in calming her. Thus they sat, until the silence grew heavenly between the two, and it seemed as if, in this new confidence, and in the joy of mutual self-renunciation, were beginning that true marriage, which makes of husband and wife not only "one flesh," but one soul. _

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