________________________________________________
_ ACT II
[SCENE.-- The same-- Moonlight.]
[Two days have elapsed.]
[WOMEN and YEOMEN of the Guard discovered.]
[No. 13. Night has spread her pall once more
(CHORUS AND SOLO)
People, Yeomen, and Dame Carruthers]
CHORUS.
Night has spread her pall once more,
And the pris'ner still is free:
Open is his dungeon door,
Useless now his dungeon key.
He has shaken off his yoke--
How, no mortal man can tell!
Shame on loutish jailor-folk--
Shame on sleepy sentinel!
[Enter DAME CARRUTHERS and KATE]
DAME.
Warders are ye?
Whom do ye ward?
Warders are ye?
Whom do ye ward?
Bolt, bar, and key,
Shackle and cord,
Fetter and chain,
Dungeon and stone,
All are in vain--
Prisoner's flown!
Spite of ye all, he is free-- he is free!
Whom do ye ward? Pretty warders are ye!
WOMEN.
Pretty warders are ye!
Whom do ye ward?
Spite of ye all, he is free-- he is free!
Whom do ye ward?
Pretty warders are ye!
MEN.
Up and down, and in and out,
Here and there, and round about;
Ev'ry chamber, ev'ry house,
Ev'ry chink that holds a mouse,
Ev'ry crevice in the keep,
Where a beetle black could creep,
Ev'ry outlet, ev'ry drain,
Have we searched, but all in vain, all in vain.
WOMEN.
Warders are ye?
Whom do ye ward?
MEN.
Ev'ry house, ev'ry chink, ev'ry drain,
WOMEN.
Warders are ye?
Whom do ye ward?
MEN.
Ev'ry chamber, ev'ry outlet,
Have we searched, but all in vain.
WOMEN.
Night has spread her pall once more,
And the pris'ner still is free:
MEN.
Warders are we? Whom do we ward?
Whom do we ward?
Warders are we? Whom do we ward?
Whom do we ward?
WOMEN.
Open is his dungeon door,
Useless his dungeon key!
ALL.
Spite of us all, he is free, he is free!
MEN.
Pretty warders are we, he is free!
Spite of us all, he is free, he is free!
WOMEN.
Open is his dungeon door,
MEN.
Spite of us all, he is free, he is free!
Pretty warders are we, he is free! He is free!
WOMEN.
He is free! He is free!
Pretty warders are ye,
ALL.
He is free! He is free!
Pretty warders are ye/we!
[Exeunt all.]
[Enter JACK POINT, in low spirits, reading from a huge volume]
POINT.
[reads]
"The Merrie Jestes of Hugh Ambrose, No.
7863.The Poor Wit and the Rich Councillor. A certayne
poor wit, being an-hungered, did meet a well-fed
councillor.'Marry, fool,' quothe the councillor,
'whither away?' 'In truth,' said the poor wag, 'in
that I have eaten naught these two dayes, I do wither
away, and that right rapidly!' The Councillor laughed
hugely, and gave him a sausage." Humph! the councillor
was easier to please than my new master the
Lieutenant. I would like to take post under that
councillor. Ah! 'tis but melancholy mumming when poor
heart-broken, jilted Jack Point must needs turn to
Hugh Ambrose for original light humour!
[Enter WILFRED, also in low spirits.]
WILFRED.
[sighing]
Ah, Master Point!
POINT.
[changing his manner]
Ha! friend jailer! Jailer that
wast-- jailer that never shalt be more! Jailer that
jailed not, or that jailed, if jail he did, so
unjailery that 'twas but jerry-jailing, or jailing in
joke-- though no joke to him who, by unjailerlike
jailing, did so jeopardise his jailership. Come, take
heart, smile, laugh, wink, twinkle, thou tormentor
that tormentest none-- thou racker that rackest not--
thou pincher out of place-- come, take heart, and be
merry, as I am!--
[aside, dolefully]
-- as I am!
WILFRED.
Aye, it's well for thee to laugh. Thou hast a good
post, and hast cause to be merry.
POINT.
[bitterly]
Cause? Have we not all cause? Is not the
world a big butt of humour, into which all who will
may drive a gimlet? See, I am a salaried wit; and is
there aught in nature more ridiculous? A poor, dull,
heart-broken man, who must needs be merry, or he will
be whipped; who must rejoice, lest he starve; who must
jest you, jibe you, quip you, crank you, wrack you,
riddle you, from hour to hour, from day to day, from
year to year, lest he dwindle, perish, starve,
pine,and die! Why, when there's naught else to laugh
at, I laugh at myself till I ache for it!
WILFRED.
Yet I have often thought that a jester's calling would
suit me to a hair.
POINT.
Thee? Would suit thee, thou death's head and cross-
bones?
WILFRED.
Aye, I have a pretty wit-- a light, airy, joysome wit,
spiced with anecdotes of prison cells and the torture
chamber. Oh, a very delicate wit! I have tried it on
many a prisoner, and there have been some who smiled.
Now it is not easy to make a prisoner smile. And it
should not be difficult to be a good jester, seeing
that thou are one.
POINT.
Difficult? Nothing easier. Nothing easier. Attend, and
I will prove it to thee!
[No. 14. Oh! a private buffoon is a light-hearted loon
(SONG)
Point]
POINT.
Oh! a private buffoon is a light-hearted loon,
If you listen to popular rumour;
From morning to night he's so joyous and bright,
And he bubbles with wit and good humour!
He's so quaint and so terse,
Both in prose and in verse;
Yet though people forgive his transgression,
There are one or two rules that all family fools
Must observe, if they love their profession.
There are one or two rules,
Half-a-dozen, maybe,
That all family fools,
Of whatever degree,
Must observe if they love their profession.
If you wish to succeed as a jester, you'll need
To consider each person's auricular:
What is all right for B would quite scandalize C
(For C is so very particular);
And D may be dull, and E's very thick skull
Is as empty of brains as a ladle;
While F is F sharp, and will cry with a carp,
That he's known your best joke from his cradle!
When your humour they flout,
You can't let yourself go;
And it does put you out
When a person says, "Oh!
I have known that old joke from my cradle!"
If your master is surly, from getting up early
(And tempers are short in the morning),
An inopportune joke is enough to provoke
Him to give you, at once, a month's warning.
Then if you refrain, he is at you again,
For he likes to get value for money:
He'll ask then and there, with an insolent stare,
"If you know that you're paid to be funny?"
It adds to the tasks
Of a merryman's place,
When your principal asks,
With a scowl on his face,
If you know that you're paid to be funny?
Comes a Bishop, maybe, or a solemn D.D.--
Oh, beware of his anger provoking!
Better not pull his hair--
Don't stick pins in his chair;
He won't understand practical joking.
If the jests that you crack have an orthodox smack,
You may get a bland smile from these sages;
But should it, by chance, be imported from France,
Half-a-crown is stopped out of your wages!
It's a general rule,
Tho' your zeal it may quench,
If the Family Fool
Makes a joke that's too French,
Half-a-crown is stopped out of his wages!
Though your head it may rack with a bilious attack,
And your senses with toothache you're losing,
And you're mopy and flat--
they don't fine you for that
If you're properly quaint and amusing!
Though your wife ran away with a soldier that day,
And took with her your trifle of money;
Bless your heart, they don't mind--
they're exceedingly kind--
They don't blame you--as long as you're funny!
It's a comfort to feel
If your partner should flit,
Though you suffer a deal,
They don't mind it a bit--
They don't blame you--so long as you're funny!
POINT.
And so thou wouldst be a jester eh?
WILFRED.
Aye!
POINT.
Now, listen! My sweetheart, Elsie Maynard, was
secretly wed to this Fairfax half an hour ere he escaped.
WILFRED.
She did well.
POINT.
She did nothing of the kind, so hold thy peace and
perpend. Now, while he liveth she is dead to me and I
to her, and so, my jibes and jokes notwithstanding, I
am the saddest and the sorriest dog in England!
WILFRED.
Thou art a very dull dog indeed.
POINT.
Now, if thou wilt swear that thou didst shoot this
Fairfax while he was trying to swim across the river--
it needs but the discharge of an arquebus on a dark
night-- and that he sank and was seen no more, I'll
make thee the very Archbishop of jesters, and that in
two days'time! Now, what sayest thou?
WILFRED.
I am to lie?
POINT.
Heartily. But thy lie must be a lie of circumstance,
which I will support with the testimony of eyes,
ears,and tongue.
WILFRED.
And thou wilt qualify me as a jester?
POINT.
As a jester among jesters. I will teach thee all my
original songs, my self-constructed riddles, my own
ingenious paradoxes; nay, more, I will reveal to thee
the source whence I get them. Now, what sayest thou?
WILFRED.
Why, if it be but a lie thou wantest of me, I hold it
cheap enough, and I say yes, it is a bargain!
[No. 15. Hereupon we're both agreed
(DUET)
Point and Wilfred]
BOTH.
Hereupon we're both agreed,
All that we two
Do agree to
We'll secure by solemn deed,
To prevent all
Error mental.
POINT.
You on Elsie are to call
With a story
Grim and gory;
WILFRED.
How this Fairfax died, and all
I declare to
You're to swear to.
POINT.
I to swear to!
WILFRED.
I declare to,
POINT.
I to swear to!
WILFRED.
I declare to,
BOTH.
I to swear to,/I declare to,
You declare to,/You're to swear to,
I to swear to,/I declare to.
BOTH.
Tell a tale of cock and bull,
Of convincing detail full
Tale tremendous,
Heav'n defend us!
What a tale of cock and bull!
In return for your/my own part
You are/I am making, undertaking
To instruct me/you in the art
(Art amazing, wonder raising)
POINT.
Of a jester, jesting free.
Proud position--
High ambition!
WILFRED.
And a lively one I'll be,
Wag-a-wagging,
Never flagging!
POINT.
Wag-a-wagging,
WILFRED.
Never flagging,
POINT.
Wag-a-wagging,
WILFRED.
Never flagging,
BOTH.
Never flagging,/Wag-a-wagging,
Wag-a-wagging,/Never flagging,
Never flagging,/Wag-a-wagging!
BOTH.
Tell a tale of cock and bull,
Of convincing detail full
Tale tremendous,
Heav'n defend us!
What a tale of cock and bull!
POINT.
What a tale of cock,
WILFRED.
What a tale of bull!
POINT.
What a tale of cock,
WILFRED.
What a tale of bull!
BOTH.
What a tale of cock and bull,
Cock and bull, cock and bull,
Heav'n defend us!
What a tale of cock and bull!
[Exeunt together.]
[Enter FAIRFAX]
FAIRFAX.
Two days gone, and no news of poor Fairfax. The dolts!
They seek him everywhere save within a dozen yards of
his dungeon. So I am free! Free, but for the cursed
haste with which I hurried headlong into the bonds of
matrimony with-- Heaven knows whom! As far as I
remember, she should have been young; but even had not
her face been concealed by her kerchief, I doubt
whether, in my then plight, I should have taken much
note of her. Free? Bah! The Tower bonds were but a
thread of silk compared with these conjugal fetters
which I, fool that I was, placed upon mine own hands.
From the one I broke readily enough-- how to break the
other!
[No. 16. Free from his fetters grim
(BALLAD)
Fairfax]
FAIRFAX.
Free from his fetters grim--
Free to depart;
Free both in life and limb--
In all but heart!
Bound to an unknown bride
For good and ill;
Ah, is not one so tied
A pris'ner still, a pris'ner still?
Ah, is not one so tied
A pris'ner still?
Free, yet in fetters held
Till his last hour,
Gyves that no smith can weld,
No rust devour!
Although a monarch's hand
Had set him free,
Of all the captive band
The saddest he, the saddest he!
Of all the captive band
The saddest, saddest he!
[Enter SERGEANT MERYLL]
FAIRFAX.
Well, Sergeant Meryll, and how fares thy pretty
charge,Elsie Maynard?
MERYLL.
Well enough, sir. She is quite strong again, and
leaves us to-night.
FAIRFAX.
Thanks to Dame Carruthers' kind nursing, eh?
MERYLL.
Aye, deuce take the old witch! Ah, 'twas but a sorry
trick you played me, sir, to bring the fainting girl
to me. It gave the old lady an excuse for taking up
her quarters in my house, and for the last two years
I've shunned her like the plague. Another day of it
and she would have married me!
[Enter DAME CARRUTHERS and KATE]
Good Lord, here she is again! I'll e'en go.
[Going]
DAME.
Nay, Sergeant Meryll, don't go. I have something of
grave import to say to thee.
MERYLL.
[aside]
It's coming.
FAIRFAX.
[laughing]
I'faith, I think I', not wanted here.
[Going]
DAME.
Nay, Master Leonard, I've naught to say to thy father
that his son may not hear.
FAIRFAX.
[aside]
True. I'm one of the family; I had forgotten!
DAME.
'Tis about this Elsie Maynard. A pretty girl, Master Leonard.
FAIRFAX.
Aye, fair as a peach blossom-- what then?
DAME.
She hath a liking for thee, or I mistake not.
FAIRFAX.
With all my heart. She's as dainty a little amid as
you'll find in a midsummer day's march.
DAME.
Then be warned in time, and give not thy heart to her.
Oh, I know what it is to give my heart to one who will
have none of it!
MERYLL.
[aside]
Aye, she knows all about that.
[Aloud]
And why is my boy to take heed of her? She's
a good girl, Dame Carruthers.
DAME.
Good enough, for aught I know. But she's no girl.
She's a married woman.
MERYLL.
A married woman! Tush, old lady-- she's promised to
Jack Point, the Lieutenant's new jester.
DAME.
Tush in thy teeth, old man! As my niece Kate sat by
her bedside to-day, this Elsie slept, and as she slept
she moaned and groaned, and turned this way and that
way-- and, "How shall I marry one I have never seen?"
quoth she-- then, "An hundred crowns!" quoth she--
then,"Is it certain he will die in an hour?" quoth
she-- then, "I love him not, and yet I am his wife,"
quoth she! Is it not so, Kate?
KATE.
Aye, aunt, 'tis even so.
FAIRFAX.
Art thou sure of all this?
KATE.
Aye, sir, for I wrote it all down on my tablets.
DAME.
Now, mark my words: it was of this Fairfax she spake,
and he is her husband, or I'll swallow my kirtle!
MERYLL.
[aside]
Is it true, sir?
FAIRFAX.
[aside to MERYLL]
True? Why, the girl was raving!
[Aloud]
Why should she marry a man who had but an hour
to live?
DAME.
Marry? There be those who would marry but for a
minute, rather than die old maids.
MERYLL.
[aside]
Aye, I know one of them!
[No. 17. Strange adventure!
(QUARTET)
Kate, Dame, Carruthers, Fairfax and Sergeant Meryll]
ALL.
Strange adventure! Maiden wedded
To a groom she's never seen--
Never, never, never seen!
Groom about to be beheaded,
In an hour on Tower Green!
Tower, Tower, Tower Green!
Groom in dreary dungeon lying,
Groom as good as dead, or dying,
For a pretty maiden sighing--
Pretty maid of seventeen!
Seven-- seven-- seventeen!
Strange adventure that we're trolling:
Modest maid and gallant groom--
Gallant, gallant, gallant groom!--
While the funeral bell is tolling,
Tolling, tolling, Bim-a-boom!
Bim-a, Bim-a, Bim-a-boom!
Modest maiden will not tarry;
Though but sixteen year she carry,
She must marry, she must marry,
Though the altar be a tomb--
Tower-- Tower-- Tower tomb!
Tower tomb! Tower tomb!
Though the altar be a tomb!
Tower, Tower, Tower tomb!
[Exeunt DAME CARRUTHERS, MERYLL, and KATE.]
FAIRFAX.
So my mysterious bride is no other than this winsome
Elsie! By my hand, 'tis no such ill plunge in
Fortune's lucky bag! I might have fared worse with my
eyes open! But she comes. Now to test her principles.
'Tis not every husband who has a chance of wooing his
own wife!
[Enter ELSIE]
FAIRFAX.
Mistress Elsie!
ELSIE.
Master Leonard!
FAIRFAX.
So thou leavest us to-night?
ELSIE.
Yes. Master Leonard. I have been kindly tended, and I
almost fear I am loth to go.
FAIRFAX.
And this Fairfax. Wast thou glad when he escaped?
ELSIE.
Why, truly, Master Leonard, it is a sad thing that a
young and gallant gentleman should die in the very
fullness of his life.
FAIRFAX.
Then when thou didst faint in my arms, it was for joy
at his safety?
ELSIE.
It may be so. I was highly wrought, Master Leonard,
and I am but a girl, and so, when I an highly wrought, I faint.
FAIRFAX.
Now, dost thou know, I am consumed with a parlous jealousy?
ELSIE.
Thou? And of whom?
FAIRFAX.
Why, of this Fairfax, surely!
ELSIE.
Of Colonel Fairfax?
FAIRFAX.
Aye. Shall I be frank with thee? Elsie-- I love thee,
ardently, passionately! [ELSIE alarmed and surprised]
Elsie, I have loved thee these two days-- which is a
long time-- and I would fain join my life to thine!
ELSIE.
Master Leonard! Thou art jesting!
FAIRFAX.
Jesting? May I shrivel into raisins if I jest! I love
thee with a love that is a fever-- with a love that is
a frenzy-- with a love that eateth up my heart! What
sayest thou? Thou wilt not let my heart be eaten up?
ELSIE.
[aside]
Oh, mercy! What am I to say?
FAIRFAX.
Dost thou love me, or hast thou been insensible these two days?
ELSIE.
I love all brave men.
FAIRFAX.
Nay, there is love in excess. I thank heaven there are
many brave men in England; but if thou lovest them
all, I withdraw my thanks.
ELSIE.
I love the bravest best. But, sir, I may not listen--
I am not free-- I-- I am a wife!
FAIRFAX.
Thou a wife? Whose? His name? His hours are
numbered--nay, his grave is dug and his epitaph set up!
Come, his name?
ELSIE.
Oh, sir! keep my secret-- it is the only barrier that
Fate could set up between us. My husband is none other
than Colonel Fairfax!
FAIRFAX.
The greatest villain unhung! The most ill-favoured,
ill-mannered, ill-natured, ill-omened, ill-tempered
dog in Christendom!
ELSIE.
It is very like. He is naught to me-- for I never saw
him. I was blindfolded, and he was to have died within
the hour; and he did not die-- and I am wedded to him,
and my heart is broken!
FAIRFAX.
He was to have died, and he did not die? The
scoundrel! The perjured, traitorous villain! Thou
shouldst have insisted on his dying first, to make
sure. 'Tis the only way with these Fairfaxes.
ELSIE.
I now wish I had!
FAIRFAX.
[aside]
Bloodthirsty little maiden!
[Aloud]
A fig for this Fairfax! Be mine-- he will never
know-- he dares not show himself; and if he dare, what
art thou to him? Fly with me, Elsie-- we will be
married tomorrow, and thou shalt be the happiest wife
in England!
ELSIE.
Master Leonard! I am amazed! Is it thus that brave
soldiers speak to poor girls? Oh! for shame, for
shame! I am wed-- not the less because I love not my
husband. I am a wife, sir, and I have a duty, and-- oh,
sir!-- thy words terrify me-- they are not honest-- they
are wicked words, and unworthy thy great and brave
heart! Oh,shame upon thee! shame upon thee!
FAIRFAX.
Nay, Elsie, I did but jest. I spake but to try thee--
[Shot heard]
[Enter SERGEANT MERYLL hastily]
[No. 18. Hark! What was that, sir?
(SCENE)
Elsie, Phoebe, Dame Carruthers, Fairfax. Wilfred, Point,
Lieutenant, Sergeant]
MERYLL.
Hark! What was that, sir?
FAIRFAX.
Why, an arquebus--
Fired from the wharf, unless I much mistake.
MERYLL.
Strange-- and at such an hour! What can it mean!
[Enter CHORUS excitedly]
CHORUS.
Now what can that have been--
A shot so late at night,
Enough to cause a fright!
What can the portent mean?
Are foemen in the land?
Is London to be wrecked?
What are we to expect?
What danger is at hand?
Let us understand
What danger is at hand!
[LIEUTENANT enters, also POINT and WILFRED]
LIEUT.
Who fired that shot? At once the truth declare?
WILFRED.
My lord, 'twas I-- to rashly judge forebear!
POINT.
My lord, 'twas he-- to rashly judge forebear!
WILFRED.
Like a ghost his vigil keeping--
POINT.
Or a spectre all-appalling--
WILFRED.
I beheld a figure creeping--
POINT.
I should rather call it crawling--
WILFRED.
He was creeping--
POINT.
He was crawling--
WILFRED.
He was creeping, creeping--
POINT.
Crawling!
WILFRED.
He was creeping--
POINT.
He was crawling--
WILFRED.
He was creeping, creeping--
POINT.
Crawling!
WILFRED.
Not a moment's hesitation--
I myself upon him flung,
With a hurried exclamation
To his draperies I hung;
Then we closed with one another
In a rough-and-tumble smother;
Col'nel Fairfax and no other
Was the man to whom I clung!
ALL.
Col'nel Fairfax and no other,
Was the man to whom he clung!
WILFRED.
After mighty tug and tussle--
POINT.
It resembled more a struggle--
WILFRED.
He, by dint of stronger muscle--
POINT.
Or by some infernal juggle--
WILFRED.
From my clutches quickly sliding--
POINT.
I should rather call it slipping--
WILFRED.
With a view, no doubt, of hiding--
POINT.
Or escaping to the shipping--
WILFRED.
With a gasp, and with a quiver--
POINT.
I'd describe it as a shiver--
WILFRED.
Down he dived into the river,
And, alas, I cannot swim.
ALL.
It's enough to make one shiver,
With a gasp, and with a quiver,
Down he dived into the river;
It was very brave of him!
WILFRED.
Ingenuity is catching;
With the view my King of pleasing,
Arquebus from sentry snatching--
POINT.
I should rather call it seizing--
WILFRED.
With an ounce or two of lead
I dispatched him through the head!
ALL.
With an ounce or two of lead
He dispatched him through the head!
WILFRED.
I discharged it without winking,
Little time I lost in thinking,
Like a stone I saw him sinking--
POINT.
I should say a lump of lead.
ALL.
He discharged it without winking,
Little time he lost in thinking.
WILFRED.
Like a stone I saw him sinking--
POINT.
I should say a lump of lead.
WILFRED.
Like a stone, my boy, I said--
POINT.
Like a heavy lump of lead.
WILFRED.
Like a stone, my boy, I said--
POINT.
Like a heavy lump of lead.
WILFRED.
Anyhow, the man is dead,
Whether stone or lump of lead!
ALL.
Anyhow, the man is dead,
Whether stone or lump of lead!
Arquebus from sentry seizing,
With the view his King of pleasing,
Arquebus from sentry seizing,
With the view his King of pleasing,
Wilfred shot him through the head,
And he's very, very dead!
And it matters very little
Whether stone or lump of lead,
It is very, very certain that
he's very, very dead!
LIEUT.
The river must be dragged-- no time be lost;
The body must be found, at any cost.
To this attend without undue delay;
So set to work with what dispatch ye may!
[Exit LIEUTENANT]
ALL.
Yes, yes,
We'll set to work with what dispatch we may!
[Men raise WILFRED, and carry him off on their shoulders.]
ALL.
Hail the valiant fellow who
Did this deed of derring-do!
Honours wait on such an one;
By my head, 'twas bravely done,
'twas bravely done!
Now, by my head, 'twas bravely done!
[Exeunt all but ELSIE, POINT, FAIRFAX, and PHOEBE.]
POINT.
[to ELSIE, who is weeping]
Nay, sweetheart, be
comforted. This Fairfax was but a pestilent fellow,
and, as he had to die, he might as well die thus as
any other way. 'Twas a good death.
ELSIE.
Still, he was my husband, and had he not been, he was
nevertheless a living man, and now he is dead; and so,
by your leave, my tears may flow unchidden, Master
Point.
FAIRFAX.
And thou didst see all this?
POINT.
Aye, with both eyes at once-- this and that. The
testimony of one eye is naught-- he may lie. But when
it is corroborated by the other, it is good evidence
that none may gainsay. Here are both present in court,
ready to swear to him!
PHOEBE.
But art thou sure it was Colonel Fairfax? Saw you his face?
POINT.
Aye, and a plaguey ill-favoured face too. A very hang-
dog face-- a felon face-- a face to fright the headsman
himself, and make him strike awry. Oh, a plaguey, bad
face, take my word for it. [PHOEBE and FAIRFAX laugh]
How they laugh! "Tis ever thus with simple folk-- an
accepted wit has but to say "Pass the mustard," and
they roar their ribs out!
FAIRFAX.
[aside]
If ever I come to life again, thou shalt pay
for this, Master Point!
POINT.
Now, Elsie, thou art free to choose again, so behold
me: I am young and well-favoured. I have a pretty wit.
I can jest you, jibe you, quip you, crank you, wrack
you, riddle you--
FAIRFAX.
Tush, man, thou knowest not how to woo. 'Tis not to be
done with time-worn jests and thread-bare sophistries;
with quips, conundrums, rhymes, and paradoxes. 'Tis an
art in itself, and must be studied gravely and
conscientiously.
[No. 19. A man who would woo a fair maid
(TRIO)
Elsie, Phoebe, and Fairfax]
FAIRFAX.
A man who would woo a fair maid,
Should 'prentice himself to the trade;
And study all day,
In methodical way,
How to flatter, cajole, and persuade.
He should 'prentice himself at fourteen,
And practise from morning to e'en;
And when he's of age,
If he will, I'll engage,
He may capture the heart of a queen,
the heart of a queen!
ALL.
It is purely a matter of skill,
Which all may attain if they will.
But every Jack
He must study the knack
If he wants to make sure of his Jill!
If he wants to make sure of his Jill!
ELSIE.
If he's made the best use of his time,
His twig he'll so carefully lime
That every bird
Will come down at his word,
Whatever its plumage and clime.
He must learn that the thrill of a touch
May mean little, or nothing, or much;
It's an instrument rare,
To be handled with care,
And ought to be treated as such,
Ought to be treated as such.
ALL.
It is purely a matter of skill,
Which all may attain if they will:
But every Jack,
He must study the knack
If he wants to make sure of his Jill!
If he wants to make sure of his Jill!
PHOEBE.
Then a glance may be timid or free;
It will vary in mighty degree,
From an impudent stare
To a look of despair
That no maid without pity can see!
And a glance of despair is no guide--
It may have its ridiculous side;
It may draw you a tear
Or a box on the ear;
You can never be sure till you've tried!
Never be sure till you've tried!
ALL.
It is purely a matter of skill,
Which all may attain if they will:
But every Jack,
He must study the knack
If he wants to make sure of his Jill,
If he wants to make sure of his Jill!
But every Jack,
He must study the knack,
But every Jack,
Must study the knack
If he wants to make sure of his Jill!
Yes, every Jack,
Must study the knack
If he wants to make sure of his Jill!
FAIRFAX.
[aside to POINT]
Now, listen to me-- 'tis done thus--
[aloud]
Mistress Elsie, there is one here who, as thou
knowest, loves thee right well!
POINT.
[aside]
That he does-- right well!
FAIRFAX.
He is but a man of poor estate, but he hath a loving,
honest heart. He will be a true and trusty husband to
thee, and if thou wilt be his wife, thou shalt lie
curled up in his heart, like a little squirrel in its
nest!
POINT.
[aside]
'Tis a pretty figure. A maggot in a nut lies
closer, but a squirrel will do.
FAIRFAX.
He knoweth that thou wast a wife-- an unloved and
unloving wife, and his poor heart was near to
breaking. But now that thine unloving husband is dead,
and thou art free, he would fain pray that thou
wouldst hearken unto him, and give him hope that thou
wouldst one day be his!
PHOEBE.
[alarmed]
He presses her hands-- and whispers in her
ear! Ods bodikins, what does it mean?
FAIRFAX.
Now, sweetheart, tell me-- wilt thou be this poor
goodfellow's wife?
ELSIE.
If the good, brave man-- is he a brave man?
FAIRFAX.
So men say.
POINT.
[aside]
That's not true, but let it pass.
ELSIE.
If the brave man will be content with a poor,
penniless, untaught maid--
POINT.
[aside]
Widow-- but let that pass.
ELSIE.
I will be his true and loving wife, and that with my heart of hearts!
FAIRFAX.
My own dear love!
[Embracing her]
PHOEBE.
[in great agitation]
Why, what's all this? Brother--brother-- it is not seemly!
POINT.
[also alarmed, aside]
Oh, I can't let that pass!
[Aloud]
Hold, enough, Master Leonard! An advocate
should have his fee, but methinks thou art over-paying thyself!
FAIRFAX.
Nay, that is for Elsie to say. I promised thee I would
show thee how to woo, and herein lies the proof of the
virtue of my teaching. Go thou, and apply it
elsewhere! [PHOEBE bursts into tears]
[No. 20. When a wooer goes a-wooing
(QUARTET)
Elsie, Phoebe, Fairfax, and Point]
ELSIE.
When a wooer Goes a-wooing,
Naught is truer Than his joy.
FAIRFAX.
Maiden hushing All his suing--
Boldly blushing, bravely coy!
Bravely coy! Boldly blushing--
ELSIE.
Boldly blushing, bravely coy!
ALL.
Oh, the happy days of doing!
Oh, the sighing and the suing!
When a wooer goes a-wooing,
Oh the sweets that never cloy!
PHOEBE.
[weeping]
When a brother leaves his sister
For another, sister weeps,
Tears that trickle,
Tears that blister--
'Tis but mickle Sister reaps!
ALL.
Oh, the doing and undoing,
Oh, the sighing and the suing,
When a brother goes a-wooing,
And a sobbing sister weeps!
POINT.
When a jester Is outwitted,
Feelings fester, Heart is lead!
Food for fishes Only fitted,
Jester wishes He was dead!
Food for fishes Only fitted,
Jester wishes He was dead!
ALL.
Oh, the doing and undoing,
Oh, the sighing and the suing,
When a jester goes a-wooing,
And he wishes he was dead!
Oh, the doing and undoing,
Oh, the sighing and the suing,
When a jester goes a-wooing,
And he wishes he was dead,
And he wishes he was dead!
[Exeunt all but PHOEBE, who remains weeping.]
PHOEBE.
And I helped that man to escape, and I've kept his
secret, and pretended that I was his dearly loving
sister, and done everything I could think of to make
folk believe I was his loving sister, and this is his
gratitude! Before I pretend to be sister to anybody
again, I'll turn nun, and be sister to everybody-- one
as much as another!
[Enter WILFRED]
WILFRED.
In tears, eh? What a plague art thou grizzling for
now?
PHOEBE.
Why am I grizzling? Thou hast often wept for jealousy--
well, 'tis for jealousy I weep now. Aye, yellow,
bilious, jaundiced jealousy. So make the most of that,
Master Wilfred.
WILFRED.
But I have never given thee cause for jealousy. The
Lieutenant's cook-maid and I are but the merest
gossips!
PHOEBE.
Jealous of thee! Bah! I'm jealous of no craven cock-
on-a-hill, who crows about what he'd do an he dared!
I am jealous of another and a better man than thou--
set that down, Master Wilfred. And he is to marry
Elsie Maynard, the pale little fool-- set that down
Master Wilfred-- and my heart is wellnigh broken!
There, thou hast it all! Make the most of it!
WILFRED.
The man thou lovest is to marry Elsie Maynard? Why,
that is no other than thy brother, Leonard Meryll!
PHOEBE.
[aside]
Oh, mercy! what have I said?
WILFRED.
Why, what matter of brother is this, thou lying little
jade? Speak! Who is this man whom thou hast called
brother, and fondled, and coddled, and kissed!-- with
my connivance, too! Oh Lord! with my connivance! Ha!
should it be this Fairfax! [PHOEBE starts] It is! It
is this accursed Fairfax! It's Fairfax! Fairfax, who--
PHOEBE.
Whom thou hast just shot through the head, and who
lies at the bottom of the river!
WILFRED.
A-- I-- I may have been mistaken. We are but fallible
mortals, the best of us. But I'll make sure-- I'll make sure.
[Going]
PHOEBE.
Stay-- one word. I think it cannot be Fairfax-- mind, I
say I think-- because thou hast just slain Fairfax. But
whether he be Fairfax or no Fairfax, he is to marry
Elsie-- and-- and-- as thou hast shot him through the
head, and he is dead, be content with that, and I will
be thy wife!
WILFRED.
Is that sure?
PHOEBE.
Aye, sure enough, for there's no help for it! Thou art
a very brute-- but even brutes must marry, I suppose.
WILFRED.
My beloved.
[Embraces her]
PHOEBE.
[aside]
Ugh!
[Enter LEONARD MERYLL, hastily]
LEONARD.
Phoebe, rejoice, for I bring glad tidings. Colonel
Fairfax's reprieve was signed two days since, but it
was foully and maliciously kept back by Secretary
Poltwhistle, who designed that it should arrive after
the Colonel's death. It hath just come to hand, and it
is now in the Lieutenant's possession!
PHOEBE.
Then the Colonel is free? Oh, kiss me, kiss me, my
dear! Kiss me, again, and again!
WILFRED.
[dancing with fury]
Ods bobs, death o' my life! Art
thou mad? Am I mad? Are we all mad?
PHOEBE.
Oh, my dear-- my dear, I'm well nigh crazed with joy!
[Kissing LEONARD]
WILFRED.
Come away from him, thou hussy-- thou jade-- thou
kissing, clinging cockatrice! And as for thee, sir,
devil take thee, I'll rip thee like a herring for
this! I'll skin thee for it! I'll cleave thee to the
chine! I'll-- oh! Phoebe! Phoebe! Who is this man?
PHOEBE.
Peace, fool. He is my brother!
WILFRED.
Another brother! Are there any more of them? Produce
them all at once, and let me know the worst!
PHOEBE.
This is the real Leonard, dolt; the other was but his
substitute. The real Leonard, I say-- my father's own
son.
WILFRED.
How do I know this? Has he "brother" writ large on his
brow? I mistrust thy brothers! Thou art but a false jade!
[Exit LEONARD.]
PHOEBE.
Now, Wilfred, be just. Truly I did deceive thee
before-- but it was to save a precious life-- and to
save it, not for me, but for another. They are to be
wed this very day. Is not this enough for thee? Come--
I am thy Phoebe-- thy very own-- and we will be wed in
a year-- or two-- or three, at the most. Is not that
enough for thee?
[Enter SERGEANT MERYLL, excitedly, followed by DAME
CARRUTHERS, who listens, unobserved.]
MERYLL.
Phoebe, hast thou heard the brave news?
PHOEBE.
[still in WILFRED's arms]
Aye, father.
MERYLL.
I'm nigh mad with joy!
[Seeing WILFRED]
Why, what's all this?
PHOEBE.
Oh, father, he discovered our secret thorough my folly,
and the price of his silence is--
WILFRED.
Phoebe's heart.
PHOEBE.
Oh, dear, no-- Phoebe's hand.
WILFRED.
It's the same thing!
PHOEBE.
Is it?
[Exeunt WILFRED and PHOEBE.]
MERYLL.
[looking after them]
"Tis pity, but the Colonel had to
be saved at any cost, and as thy folly revealed our
secret, thy folly must e'en suffer for it!
[DAME CARRUTHERS comes down]
Dame Carruthers!
DAME.
So this is a plot to shield this arch-fiend, and I
have detected it. A word from me, and three heads
besides his would roll from their shoulders!
MERYLL.
Nay, Colonel Fairfax is reprieved.
[Aside] Yet, if my complicity in his escape were
known! Plague on the old meddler! There's nothing for it--
[aloud]
-- Hush, pretty one! Such bloodthirsty words ill
become those cherry lips!
[Aside]
Ugh!
DAME.
[bashfully]
Sergeant Meryll!
MERYLL.
Why, look ye, chuck-- for many a month I've-- I've
thought to myself-- "There's snug love saving up in
that middle-aged bosom for some one, and why not for
thee-- that's me-- so take heart and tell her-- that's
thee-- that thou-- that's me-- lovest her-- thee-- and--
and-- well,I'm a miserable old man, and I've done it--
and that's me!" But not a word about Fairfax! The
price of thy silence is--
DAME.
Meryll's heart?
MERYLL.
No, Meryll's hand.
DAME.
It's the same thing!
MERYLL.
Is it?
[No. 21. Rapture, rapture
(DUET)
Dame Carruthers and Sergeant Meryll]
DAME.
Rapture, rapture
When love's votary,
Flushed with capture,
Seeks the notary,
Joy and jollity
Then is polity;
Reigns frivolity!
Rapture, rapture!
Joy and jollity
Then is polity;
Reigns frivolity!
Rapture, rapture!
MERYLL.
Doleful, doleful!
When humanity
With its soul full
Of satanity,
Courting privity,
Down declivity
Seeks captivity!
Doleful, doleful!
Courting privity,
Down declivity
Seeks captivity!
Doleful, doleful!
DAME.
Joyful, joyful!
When virginity
Seeks, all coyful,
Man's affinity;
Fate all flowery,
Bright and bowery,
Is her dowery!
Joyful, joyful!
Fate all flowery,
Bright and bowery,
Is her dowery!
Joyful, joyful!
MERYLL.
Ghastly, ghastly!
When man, sorrowful,
Firstly, lastly,
Of to-morrow full,
After tarrying,
Yields to harrying--
Goes a-marrying.
Ghastly, ghastly!
DAME.
Joyful, joyful!
MERYLL.
Ghastly, ghastly!
DAME.
Joyful, joyful!
MERYLL.
Ghastly, ghastly!
DAME. MERYLL.Joyful, joyful! Ghastly, ghastly!
Joyful, joyful, joyful! Ghastly, ghastly,ghastly!
Rapture, rapture Doleful, doleful!
When love's votary, When humanity
Flushed with capture, With its soul full
Seeks the notary, Of satanity,
Joy and jollity Courting privity,
Then is polity; Down declivity
Reigns frivolity! Seeks captivity!
Rapture, rapture! Doleful, doleful!
Joy and jollity Courting privity,
Then is polity; Down declivity
Reigns frivolity! Seeks captivity!
Rapture, rapture! Doleful, doleful!
Rapture, rapture! Doleful, doleful!
Rapture, rapture, Doleful, doleful,
Rapture, rapture! Doleful, doleful!
Joy and jollity Courting privity,
Then is polity; Down declivity
Reigns frivolity! Seeks captivity!
Rapture, rapture! Doleful, doleful!
[
Exeunt DAME and SERGEANT MERYLL.]
[No. 22. Comes the pretty young bride
(FINALE OF ACT II)
Ensemble]
[Enter YEOMEN and WOMEN]
WOMEN.
Comes the pretty young bride,
a-blushing, timidly shrinking--
Set all thy fears aside--
cheerily, pretty young bride!
Brave is the youth to whom thy lot
thou art willingly linking!
Flower of valour he--
loving as loving can be!
Brightly thy summer is shining,
Brightly thy summer is shining,
Fair as the dawn, as the dawn of the day;
Take him, be true to him--
Tender his due to him--
Honour him, honour him, love and obey!
[Enter DAME, PHOEBE, and ELSIE as Bride]
PHOEBE, ELSIE & DAME.
'Tis said that joy in full perfection
Comes only once to womankind--
That, other times, on close inspection,
Some lurking bitter we shall find.
If this be so, and men say truly,
My day of joy has broken duly
With happiness my/her soul is cloyed--
With happiness is cloyed--
With happiness my/her soul is cloyed--
This is my/her joy-day
unalloyed, unalloyed,
This is my/her joy-day unalloyed!
ALL.
Yes, yes, with happiness her soul is cloyed!
This is her joy-day unalloyed!
[Flourish. Enter LIEUTENANT]
LIEUT.
Hold, pretty one! I bring to thee
News-- good or ill, it is for thee to say.
Thy husband lives-- and he is free,
And comes to claim his bride this very day!
ELSIE.
No! No! recall those words-- it cannot be!
[all four blocks below sung at once]
KATE and CHORUS DAME CARRUTHERS and PHOEBEOh, day of terror! Oh, day of terror!
Oh, day of terror! Oh, day of terror!
Day of terror! The man to whom thou art
Day of tears! allied
Day of terror! Appears to claim thee
Day of tears! as his bride.
Who is the man who, The man to whom thou art
In his pride, allied
Claims thee as his bride? And claim me as his bride.
Day of terror! Day of terror!
Day of tears! Day of tears!
LIEUT., MERYLL, and WILFRED ELSIE
Come, dry these unbecoming tears,
Most joyful tidings greet
thine ears,
Come, dry these unbecoming tears, Oh, Leonard,
Most joyful tidings greet Oh,Leonard,
thine ears, Come thou to my side,
The man to whom thou art allied And claim me as
Appears to claim thee thy loving bride!
as his bride. Day of terror!
The man to whom thou art allied Day of tears!
Appears to claim thee
as his bride.
[
Flourish. Enter COLONEL FAIRFAX,
handsomely dressed, and attended by other Gentlemen]
FAIRFAX.
[sternly]
All thought of Leonard
Meryll set aside.
Thou art mine own! I claim thee as my bride.
ALL.
Thou art his own!
Alas! he claims thee as his bride.
ELSIE.
A suppliant at thy feet I fall;
Thine heart will yield to pity's call!
FAIRFAX.
Mine is a heart of massive rock,
Unmoved by sentimental shock!
ALL.
Thy husband he!
ELSIE.
[aside]
Leonard, my loved one-- come to me.
They bear me hence away!
But though they take me far from thee,
My heart is thine for aye!
My bruised heart,
My broken heart,
Is thine, my own, for aye!
Is thine, is thine, my own,
Is thine, for aye!
ELSIE.
[To FAIRFAX]
Sir, I obey!
I am thy bride;
But ere the fatal hour
I said the say
That placed me in thy pow'r
Would I had died!
Sir, I obey!
I am thy bride!
[Looks up and recognizes FAIRFAX]
Leonard!
FAIRFAX.
My own!
ELSIE.
Ah!
[Embrace]
ELSIE & FAIRFAX.
With happiness my soul is cloyed,
This is our joy-day unalloyed!
ALL.
Yes, yes!
With happiness their souls are cloyed,
This is their joy-day unalloyed!
With happiness their souls are cloyed,
This is their joy-day unalloyed,
Their joy-day unalloyed, unalloyed!
[Enter JACK POINT]
POINT.
Oh, thoughtless crew!
Ye know not what ye do!
Attend to me, and shed a tear or two--
For I have a song to sing, O!
ALL.
Sing me your song, O!
POINT.
It is sung to the moon
By a love-lorn loon,
Who fled from the mocking throng, O!
It's a song of a merryman, moping mum,
Whose soul was sad, and whose glance was glum,
Who sipped no sup, and who craved no crumb,
As he sighed for the love of a ladye.
ALL.
Heighdy! heighdy!
Misery me--lack-a-day-dee!
He sipped no sup, and he craved no crumb,
As he sighed for the love of a ladye!
ELSIE.
I have a song to sing, O!
ALL.
What is your song, O!
ELSIE.
It is sung with the ring
Of the songs maids sing
Who love with a love life-long, O!
It's the song of a merrymaid, peerly proud,
[optional-- nestling near,]
Who loved her lord, and who laughed aloud
[optional-- but dropped a tear]
At the moan of the merryman, moping mum,
Whose soul was sad, and whose glance was glum,
Who sipped no sup, and who craved no crumb,
As he sighed for the love of a ladye!
ALL.
Heighdy! heighdy!
Misery me--lack-a-day-dee!
He sipped no sup, and he craved no crumb,
As he sighed for the love of a ladye!
Heighdy! heighdy!
Misery me--lack-a-day-dee!
He sipped no sup, and he craved no crumb,
As he sighed for the love of a ladye!
Heighdy! heighdy!
Heighdy! heighdy!
Heighdy! heighdy!
[FAIRFAX embraces ELSIE as POINT falls insensible at their feet.]
CURTAIN
[THE END]
[W. S. Gilbert's Play: Yeomen Of The Guard] _
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