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_ ACT III - SCENE I
SCENE I. A Barber's Shop.
[HUMPHRY in new clothes, reading a newspaper.--TOUPEE shaving him.]
HUMPHRY.
Pray now, master barber, what does Constitution mean? I hears so many people a quarrelling about it,--I wish I cou'd get somebody to give me the exclamation of it; here it is among the news too. It's spelt C, O, N, con--S, T, I, sti--consti--T, U, tu--constitu--T, I, ti--constituti--O, N, on--con-sti-tu-ti-on,--but your city folks calls it Constitushon; they've got such a queer pronouncication.
TOUPEE.
Vat you please, sare?
HUMPHRY.
Yes, it pleases me well enough; I only want to know what it magnifies.
TOUPEE.
Je ne vous entens pas, monsieur.
HUMPHRY.
Why, what outlandish dialogue is that you're a talking? I can't understand your lingo as well as the Schoolmaster's, with his monstrous memorandums, and his ignorant mouses.
TOUPEE.
You be 'quainted with monsieur de Schoolmastare, monsieur?
HUMPHRY.
Yes, mounsieur; he and the consumptive old gentleman, old what's his name, was a wrangling about that confounded name that I was axing you about;--caw--con--[Looks at the paper.] aye, Constitution.
TOUPEE.
Dat Constitution is no bon;--de Schoolmastare vas
strike me for dat. By gar, I get de satisfaction!
HUMPHRY.
He talks as crooked as a Guinea niger.
[Aside.]
TOUPEE.
He vas call me--ah, le diable!--block; dis
--[Points to his head.]
blockhead, oui, blockhead.
HUMPHRY.
If you've got a mind, I'll lather him for you.
TOUPEE.
Yes; den I vill lader you for nothing.
HUMPHRY.
You lather me for nothing?
--I'll lather you for less yet, you barber-looking--
TOUPEE.
No, no; me lader you so.
[Lathers HUMPHRY'S face.]
HUMPHRY.
Oh, with soap-suds, you mean:--I ax pardon, mounsieur;
I thought how you was a going for to lather me without
soap-suds or razor, as the old proverb is.
TOUPEE.
Dat is no possible, monsieur.
HUMPHRY.
I believe not; you shou'd be shav'd as clean
as a whistle, if you was; 'faith should you.
TOUPEE.
Yes, I will shave you very clean;
--here is de bon razor for shave de beard.
[Draws the razor over the back of HUMPHRY'S hand, to shew him it can cut a hair.]
HUMPHRY.
[Bellowing out.]
You ill-looking, lousy, beard-combing, head-shaving rascal!
Did you ever know any body for to have a beard upon their hand?
TOUPEE.
You be von big 'merican brute, sur mon ame!
HUMPHRY.
You lie, as the saying is. What a mouth he makes whenever he goes for to talk his gibberage!--He screws it up for all the world like a pickled oyster. I must have a care I don't get some of that snuff out of his nose.
TOUPEE.
You please for taste de snuff?
HUMPHRY.
I don't care if I smell some.
[Takes a pinch of snuff, which makes him sneeze,
while TOUPEE is shaving him; by which he gets his face cut.]
TOUPEE. Prenez garde a vous!
HUMPHRY. The devil take the snuff and you!
[Going.]
TOUPEE.
S'il vous plait, monsieur, you vill please for take de--de--vat
is dat--de lettre--de shallange to monsieur de Schoolmastare, for fight me?
HUMPHRY.
Yes, that I will, with the most carefullest manner;--he shall have it in the greatest pleasure.
[TOUPEE gives a paper to HUMPHRY.]
TOUPEE.
Dat is de bon civility,--I vill be your--a--very good friend.
HUMPHRY.
Thank 'e kindly, Mounsieur.
[Exeunt, severally.] _
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