Shauno And The Shah

________________________________________________
Title:     Shauno And The Shah
Author: Seumas O'Brien [More Titles by O'Brien]

"Well," said Padna to his friend Micus, as they sat on a donkey cart on their way to market, "I wonder if you ever heard tell of Shauno the Rover."

"Wisha, indeed I did not then. Who was he at all?" asked Micus.

"He was a distant relation of my own who lived in the good old days when women stayed at home and looked after the children and the household," said Padna. "And he was as contrary a creature as ever mistook ignorance for knowledge, and like all of his kind he was as happy as the days are long when he was giving trouble to some one else. But, bad luck to him and to all like him, he was the most dissatisfied man that was ever allowed to have all his own way, and 'tis said he could swear in seven languages, and swear all day without getting tired.

"However, though he was queer and contrary, he was a gentleman withal. And he was never known to use his rare vocabulary in the presence of ladies, but would wait until their backs were turned, like a well-trained married man, and then curse and damn them one and all to perdition."

"And was it the way he disliked women?" said Micus.

"Not exactly, but because he couldn't find any particular one that he could like better than another. And that was why he made up his mind to leave the country altogether, and go to foreign parts to look for a wife who might be different from any he might find at home," said Padna.

"Bedad," said Micus, "Shauno must have been a genius or else a fool, and at times it takes a wise man to know one from the other."

"Whatever he was, or whatever he wasn't, one thing is certain, and that is, he was an excellent actor both on and off the stage, and could play the part of poet or peasant, king or beggar, with equal grace and naturalness. And so it was one day, when he got heartily sick of all the tame nonentities he had to deal with, he up and ses to himself: 'Shauno,' ses he, 'there are enough of mollycoddles and pious humbugs in the world without adding to their number, and unless you will do something original now while you are young and foolish, you are not likely to do anything but what some one else tells you to do when you are old.'

"And without saying another word, he went straight home, dressed himself up as Henry the Eighth, and after paying a visit to the mayor of the town, went on board a warship that was lying in the harbour beyond. And when the poor captain saw Shauno attired like a mighty monarch, he got the fright of his life, and never said a word at all until Shauno up and ses: ''Tis a fine day, Captain,' ses he.

"'I know that myself, already,' ses the Captain, 'but who in the name of all the corncrakes in Munster are you, and what brings you here, and what can I do for you besides flinging you overboard to the sharks and the sea gulls?'

"'Oh,' ses Shauno, 'don't be so eager to do something you may be sorry for. All that I want you to do is to land me in Sperrispazuka within five days, and if you will accomplish the feat, I will raise your wages and promote you to the rank of admiral.'

"'And who the blazes are you to come here without being invited and give an order like that to myself?' ses the Captain.

"'Who the devil do you think I could be, or want to be, you impudent varmint, but Henry the Eighth?' ses he. 'By all the people I have made miserable, I'll have you lashed to the mouth of a cannon, and blown to smithereens if you don't do what you are told. How dare you insult the King of England and Scotland, not to mention Ireland and Australia?' ses he.

"Then the bold Captain ses: 'I beg your Majesty's pardon,' ses he. 'I thought you were some play actor or other who had lost his wits. So I hope you will accept my apology for the mistake I have so unfortunately made, and my stupidity likewise.'

"''Tis hard for me ever to forgive or overlook stupidity because, like all religious people, I can't stand in another the faults I have in a large measure myself. But considering that you have been a faithful servant to the family for a number of years, I will let you off with a caution this time. But be sure and never make mistakes again, unless you know what you are doing,' ses Shauno.

"'Thank you for your kind advice,' ses the Captain. 'Is there anything I can do now to please or oblige your Majesty?'

"'There is,' ses Shauno. 'Hold your tongue, put full steam ahead, and tell the sailors not to say their prayers aloud, because I am going to bed this very instant, and don't want to be disturbed. But call me in the morning at eight o'clock sharp,' ses Shauno. 'And be sure and have my breakfast ready on time. I will have a busy day to-morrow. I must shave and read the newspaper.'

"'What will you have for breakfast?' ses the Captain.

"'One fathom and half of drisheen, six fresh eggs, three loaves of bread, goat's ears, ostrich brains, and two heads of cabbage. And I'd like a toothful of something to help me to digest the little repast,' ses Shauno.

"'I suppose a keg or two of rum, or a dozen of stout, will do,' ses the Captain.

"'As there's luck in odd numbers, you had better make it three dozen of stout,' ses Shauno. 'And if I feel like any more, I'll let you know.'

"Well, the old fool of a captain really thought he was Henry the Eighth, and he did everything that Shauno told him, until they reached Sperrispazuka.

"And when the mosques and the turrets of the city hove in sight and the ship once more lay at anchor, Shauno trod the deck with pride and ses to the Captain: 'Captain,' ses he, 'allow me to compliment you on this marvellous achievement. I never before made the journey in such a short space of time, and in honour of the event I will make you a present of two-and-sixpence and make you a Knight of Columbus besides. But before I will take my leave of yourself and the ship, I want a royal salute of twenty-one guns to be fired and burst every pane of glass in the town beyond with the noise. A shout is better than a whisper if you want to be heard, and we all get more by asking for what we want than by remaining silent.'

"'Anyhow,' ses he, 'half the world is living on its wits, or by bluff, if you will, and the other half enjoys itself, so to speak, at the expense of inequality, non-fraternity, and suppression of the people's rights. Yet for all that, most of the well-fed and superfine humbugs we meet every day seem to be as happy and contented as if they deserved to be. And all you have got to do to convince yourself that the wisdom of man has not interfered with the extravagance of women is to look at the way they dress, or look at your bank book at the end of the year if you are married. But be all that as it may, I think that I have said enough, for talk is always cheap, and 'tis doubtful if anything that's cheap or given away for nothing is ever appreciated by the discerning or the undiscerning.'

"'And now,' ses he, 'as I have but a few more words to say, I would advise you, one and all, to be decent to each other while you can, because a time will come when you can't. And 'tis better to do a foolish thing now than to be sorry for not doing it later. On the other hand, 'tis a wise policy to refuse anything you may be offered for nothing, because a compliment bestowed is always like a millstone around a man's neck. Independence, of course, is a fine thing, but it is always purchased at too high a price. And a state of independence is only acquired by either cheating yourself or some one else.

"'But nevertheless,' ses he, 'the man who always thinks of himself first is the last to be neglected. And the man who don't hold his tongue when he has nothing to say is nearly sure to make a fool of himself. Howsomever, the time is now come for me to make my departure. So let loose the guns,' ses he, 'and fire the Royal Salute.'

"And lo and behold! the Captain obeyed his orders, and such noise was never before heard in the harbour of Sperrispazuka. And when silence was resumed Shauno whispered to the Captain and ses: 'I'm going to sojourn here for a month or two, and I'll send a telegram to you to call for me when I am ready to return.' So with that they shook hands and parted.

"And when the ship sailed away, Shauno went ashore and walked around the town until he found a menagerie. Then he hired a complement of one hundred elephants, and numerous pages and attendants, flags, banners, caravans, and the devil knows what."

"And what did he want the elephants for?" said Micus.

"He was going to visit the Shah," said Padna, "and he wanted to make a good impression. And when all the elephants were placed one after another in a line, he took the place of honour himself on the back of the first and largest of the great brutes. And as the procession passed on its way through the town to the Shah's country home, the House of Ten Thousand Windows, everybody--men, women, and children alike--stopped in the streets and took off their hats, thinking that Shauno was the King of England, and he was beginning to think so too, or at least that he was as great an old bla'guard as Henry himself. But when he arrived at the castle gates and found the Shah sitting on his tombstone feeding the pigeons, he was sorely disappointed, because he expected a royal escort to meet him outside the courtyard.

"The Shah was kind of startled when he saw Shauno and his staff, and nearly lost his temper and ses: 'Who in the name of the few decent people that a man meets in the course of a lifetime, are you? And who the devil owns these Irish terriers?' ses he, as he pointed to the elephants.

"'Wisha, bad luck and a dozen daughters to you,' ses Shauno, 'what do the likes of you mean by offering insults to a distinguished foreigner like myself? If you read the newspapers as you should, you would know that I was Henry the Eighth, and that these quadrupeds are neither Irish terriers nor mosquitoes, but elephants.'

"'Is that so?' ses the Shah. 'Wait till I will put on my glasses. My sight is somewhat impaired from reading the names of all my wives and their pedigrees.' And then he put on his glasses and ses: 'Bedad, sure enough, they are not Irish terriers at all, but real live elephants. And 'tis yourself is no one else but Henry the Eighth. I hope to be excused and forgiven for my mistake.'

"'I'll forgive you this time,' ses Shauno.

"'Very well,' ses the Shah, 'you might as well come inside and sit down if you are in no hurry, and we will see if we can't enjoy ourselves, and I will get my servants to look after the terriers, I mean the elephants, while we'll make merry.'

"'The devil a hurry, or a flurry, am I in,' ses Shauno. And with that they adjourned to the Shah's drawing-room, and when they were comfortably seated in two armchairs, the Shah rang for a servant to fetch the decanter and a pack of cards. And when the cards were placed on the table, the Shah grabbed them up and ses to Shauno: 'What is it going to be? A game of Forty-Five, or what? There's nothing like a game of cards to pass a dull hour among dull people.'

"'Forty-Five, of course,' ses Shauno, as he poured out a glass of whiskey for himself and another for the Shah.

"'Right you are,' ses the Shah. 'There's nothing to beat a game of Forty-Five, except a good game of bowls on a hard straight road on a winter's day. Howsomever, I won't give you a demonstration on the art of bowl-playing now, but I will show you how to deal the cards in the true Carrigaline fashion, as introduced by the King of Spain while he was here on a visit many years ago.'

"'Bedad,' ses Shauno, 'I think the Clonakilty, or the Skibbereen deal is just as good, but as they are all the same, we won't allow the matter be a subject for discussion.'

"The cards were duly dealt, and the Shah ses to Shauno: 'What will we play for at all?' ses he.

"'Small stakes for a start, of course,' ses Shauno. 'I'll back every ship in my navy against every ship in yours, if you don't mind.'

"'Done,' ses the Shah, as he placed the decanter on his head and finished the whiskey. Then they took off their coats, and after an exciting game the Shah won. Shauno was very much surprised and disappointed, and said as he pointed to the decanter to have it filled again: 'Damn the bit of luck have I had since I met a red-headed widow two months ago first thing on a Monday morning, and I'm afraid I will never have any luck again.'

"'I wouldn't worry about that, if I were you. We will be all dead one day, and then we won't know whether we were lucky or not,' ses the Shah.

"'That's cold comfort, as the cat said after she jumped into the freezing water when chased by a mad dog. I have ruined my country by my extravagance. She is no longer Mistress of the Seas, and though that may be a consolation to Germany, it will lose for me a good deal of prestige. Howsomever, I am not dead broke yet, and even if a man is dead broke inself, there is no reason why he should go whining about it. A good gambler never cares whose money he spends or how much he loses. I will now,' ses he, 'back Ireland against what I have lost and keep up the custom of my country by treating the Irish with contempt and injustice. So let us play again.'

"'Good,' ses the Shah. 'We'll play again.'

"'I'll give them the tinker's deal for luck this time,' ses Shauno.

"'As you please,' ses the Shah. ''Tis all the same to me, so long as I win. A good gambler never cares how much he takes from his friends, or how many people he makes miserable.'

"This time they played a great game, but Shauno lost again, and it made him more angry than ever.

"'Now,' ses he, 'that I have lost Ireland, it doesn't matter what happens to the rest of my territory. We'll play one game of Twenty-Five, and I'll back my boots, my meerschaum pipe, five ounces of tobacco, and Australia against Ireland and my fleet.'

"'Don't you think you are getting reckless?' ses the Shah.

"'I may be,' ses Shauno. 'But I might as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb. And one poor man more or less won't make much difference. On with the game. Philosophy is only a comfort to a man when he isn't in a state of desperation.'

"'As you will,' ses the Shah. 'Anything at all to please you.'

"So the cards were dealt once more and they played a game of Twenty-Five, and the Shah scored.

"Shauno lost his temper and commenced to swear and break up the furniture, but the Shah only looked on and smiled. Then Shauno flung a chair at him, and ses: 'You bleddy foreign rascal, sure 'tis myself that's the fool for having anything to do with the likes of you. I'll never be able to face home now, after all the misfortune I have had.'

"'Oh,' ses the Shah, 'I wouldn't behave like that if I were you. 'Tis undignified to appear natural in the presence of strangers. We should always reserve ingratitude and bad treatment for our friends. You are a little upset, of course, for losing what didn't belong to you, but you will feel all right again as soon as you will begin to acquire what you don't deserve.'

"'If I had my own way,--' ses Shauno.

"'If we all had our own way, the little glimmer of democracy and decency that we see struggling for existence occasionally would disappear for ever,' ses the Shah. 'Howsomever, don't be downhearted, but take a good drop of poteen, and 'twill give you all the false courage that any man wants.'

"And then he produced a small keg of the best poteen, and they drank glass after glass, and sang all the songs they could remember, from 'The Croppy Boy' to the 'Bard of Armagh,' until they fell on the floor and had to be taken to bed.

"And there they slept for two days and three nights, and on the morning of the third day, Shauno woke up with a bursting headache, and asked the Shah if he was still alive and in the land of the living. And the Shah was surprised that a real aristocrat should be so upset and affected by a night's innocent amusement. Well, they had breakfast together, and after the repast, the Shah took Shauno to see the sights, and when they arrived at the Royal Harem, Shauno fainted when he saw all the wives the poor Shah had to look after. It took him two weeks to count them all, and at the end of that time the Shah ses: 'Well,' ses he, 'how many would you like to take for a present? You can have all you want, because I am expecting another shipload next week as a Christmas box.'

"'Thanks for your kind offer,' ses Shauno. 'But I am cured now. I have made up my mind to go home and live in peace, and remain a bachelor for the remainder of my days.'

"'Oh,' ses the Shah, 'I think you should at least take one, and she will help to remind you of your visit to the Shah of Sperrispazuka.'

"''Tis only too well that I know that, but I have seen all I ever want to see of women,' ses Shauno. 'But I'll tell you what you can do without offending me, or hurting my tender feeling in any way.'

"'What may that be?' ses the Shah.

"'You can loan me a million sovereigns to show there is no ill feeling between us, and send me home in one of your first-class battleships. Of course, I must travel as a private gentleman, and when I will arrive home, I will get my poet laureate to write an ode to your generosity.'

"'I'll loan you all you want,' ses the Shah.

"So there and then he took out his bank book and gave him a cheque for the full amount, and on the morrow Shauno sailed away for England in one of the swiftest ships that ever went to sea, and the Shah never heard of him from that day to this."

"That's the devil's own queer yarn," said Micus. "What did the Shah do when he found out that he had been fooled?"

"Oh, he was as cross as a bag of cats, of course, and retired to the banquet hall of his castle, sent for all his wives, and made this speech:

"'Ladies of all shapes and sizes,' ses he, 'I have good news for you this blessed day. I'm going to make widows of every one here present, and all those who couldn't gain admittance to this large and spacious hall as well.'

"And when they heard what he said, they all burst forth into uproarious applause, and began to fling chairs, benches, stools, ink-bottles, and hairpins at each other. In short, they created the devil of a hullaballoo entirely, and they might have set fire to the place, only he threatened to send for the police. Well, when silence and order was restored, he continued and ses:

"'Ladies,' ses he, 'you will be all glad to hear that I have been fooled and cheated by an impostor, and as I have proved conclusively to my own satisfaction that I am too foolish to live, I have made up my mind to die. Yes, ladies, and to die by my own hand too. But as many of you as possible must have something to remind you of married life and a devoted husband who is about to begin his troubles in the other world by ending his troubles in this. Now,' ses he, 'come forward, one and all, and let each of you pluck a hair from my leonine head, and keep it in a locket as a souvenir until you will go home to the devil, or wherever else you may be destined for.'

"And as the last few words were spoken, he bent down his head, and his wives came along in single file to comply with his request, and before an hour was at an end, the Shah of Sperrispazuka was as bald as a snowball."

"And wouldn't it be easier for him to get a scissors and cut his hair and then distribute the locks, than to do anything so foolish," said Micus.

"Wisha, I suppose it would," said Padna. "But we all do foolish things when we are upset or excited. Well, when that part of the ceremony was all over, he ses, as the tears came to his eyes: 'Ladies,' ses he, 'I have no more to say. My hour is come and I am ready to die. I have here with me on this table a cocktail which is a concoction of ground green bottles, prussic acid, and black beetles mixed with some cheese that was refused by the soldiers at the fall of Rome, and if that won't send me to glory or perdition, may I never again drown one of you in the Canal for losing your beauty. However,' ses he, 'as a last request I would ask you to control your emotion. Let there be no singing of the National Anthem, no dancing of jigs, drinking or carousing, breaking of windows or skulls, or any other patriotic manifestation of public grief, until I am cold in my grave.'

"And then he lifted the fatal glass to his lips and drained its contents to the dregs, and so passed away the Shah of Sperrispazuka."

"I feel like having a drink of something, myself," said Micus.

"So do I," said Padna. "I think we'll stop when we'll come to the Thrush and Magpie."

"As you please," said Micus.

[The end]
Seumas O'Brien's short story: Shauno And The Shah

________________________________________________



GO TO TOP OF SCREEN